In the past, sports champions used to be motivated by the desire to win a match or to break the world records. These days, they are more likely to be motivated by prize money and the opportunity to be famous. What message does this send to young people and how does this attitude to sport affect the sports themselves?
Sample Response
In the bygone days, the aim of an athlete was to win the competition or to set a new world record. Nowadays, it has changed, as many players are motivated by the prize and the popularity. The following essay will discuss how the effect of the changes to the young generation and how it has affected to the sports industry. To begin with, as athletes’ motivation has changed nowadays, it brings some negative effects to the young people. It is a fact that many football or basketball stars are highly paid and become very popular these days. The condition has led them into a luxurious or glamorous lifestyle, and many of them are married to a famous actress or a supermodel. It has conveyed some negative messages to the young people that professional athletes world is a world of parties, wealth and hedonism lifestyles. Meanwhile, in the past, athletes’ motivation was to be the best in his field and become a good role model for the young generation with their hardworking attitude. As professional players are highly paid these days, it has changed the paradigm of the sports industry. Sports leagues are becoming commercialised as they need the money to pay these athletes. Ticket prices are ridiculously expensive, and during a live game on television, so many commercials are added. And then, many games are showing more of an individual attraction rather than a solid teamwork, as each of the athletes is trying to become the dominant player. And last but not least, many sports leagues are filled with negative issues nowadays due to the commercialization, such as athletes strike on salary cap or corruption by some sports bodies. In conclusion, it is true that sports have become an attractive business nowadays. Many athletes are well paid and sports leagues have become a great opportunity for some parties. Despite all the fortunes, the pure essences of sports which are sportive, teamwork and discipline are all lost. Athletes are becoming more individualistic and have some negative lifestyles and it could be a bad example for the young generation. And then sports industrialisation has negatively affected many sports organisations. Therefore it is the government’s task to set some clear regulation about the world of sport.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use concise time phrase Original: In the bygone days Suggested revision: In the past Why it matters: The concise phrase is more natural in an academic essay.
- 2. Clarify the subject Original: Nowadays, it has changed Suggested revision: Nowadays, this motivation has changed Why it matters: The explicit noun identifies what has changed.
- 3. Use prompt terminology Original: the prize and the popularity Suggested revision: prize money and fame Why it matters: The revision precisely names the two modern incentives.
- 4. Correct the noun phrase Original: how the effect of the changes to the young generation Suggested revision: the effects of these changes on young people Why it matters: 'Effects' takes 'on', and the plural form matches the multiple consequences.
- 5. Remove faulty preposition Original: affected to the sports industry Suggested revision: affected the sports industry Why it matters: The transitive verb 'affected' takes a direct object.
- 6. Correct effect collocation Original: brings some negative effects to Suggested revision: has negative effects on Why it matters: An influence has an 'effect on' a group.
- 7. Clarify the reference Original: The condition has led Suggested revision: This situation has led Why it matters: 'This situation' clearly refers to athletes becoming wealthy and famous.
- 8. Match plural reference Original: luxurious or glamorous lifestyle Suggested revision: luxurious, glamorous lifestyles Why it matters: The plural pronoun refers to multiple athletes and therefore requires 'lifestyles'.
- 9. Add possessive apostrophe Original: professional athletes world Suggested revision: professional athletes' world Why it matters: The world is associated with multiple athletes, requiring a plural possessive.
- 10. Use adjective form Original: hedonism Suggested revision: hedonistic Why it matters: The noun 'hedonism' must become an adjective before 'lifestyles'.
- 11. Match plural pronouns Original: athletes’ motivation was to be the best in his field Suggested revision: athletes' motivation was to be the best in their fields Why it matters: The possessive pronoun and noun must agree with the plural 'athletes'.
- 12. Clarify purpose Original: commercialised as they need the money Suggested revision: commercialised to generate money Why it matters: The infinitive clearly expresses the financial purpose without an ambiguous pronoun.
Suggested Rewrites
- In the bygone days In the past
- Nowadays, it has changed Nowadays, this motivation has changed
- the prize and the popularity prize money and fame
- how the effect of the changes to the young generation the effects of these changes on young people
- affected to the sports industry affected the sports industry
- brings some negative effects to has negative effects on
Why this response received Band 6.5
The essay addresses both questions in substantial detail, explaining the materialistic message sent to young people and several commercial, cultural, and organisational effects on sport. Its strongest feature is the breadth of relevant consequences, while frequent awkward wording, grammatical errors, and absent paragraphing reduce precision and readability. Prioritise grouping the two task parts clearly and expressing the strongest causal links in accurate, concise language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both the message to young people and effects on sport are well covered with relevant explanations, though some claims are broad and the proposed government response is not developed.
Select the strongest consequences and explain their causal connection to money-driven motivation rather than adding a final undeveloped solution.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses logically from youth influence to commercialisation and a concluding synthesis, but the single long paragraph and repetitive 'And then' links weaken organisation.
Use one body paragraph for young people and another for sport, each beginning with a clear topic sentence.
Lexical Resource
The essay shows a sufficient range for sport, money, and social influence, but frequent inaccurate collocations and word forms reduce precision.
Use natural phrases such as 'financial rewards,' 'hedonistic lifestyle,' 'teamwork,' 'salary disputes,' and 'commercialisation of sport.'
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Varied structures generally convey the argument, though agreement, article, preposition, pronoun, and clause errors recur throughout.
Check possessives and agreement in sentences about athletes, and revise long clauses into complete sentences with consistent tense.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In the past, sports champions used to be motivated by the desire to win a match or to break the world records. These days, they are more likely to be motivated by prize money and the opportunity to be famous. What message does this send to young people and how does this attitude to sport affect the sports themselves?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.