Some people believe that professional athletes serve as positive role models for young people, while others argue that their behavior both on and off the field has a negative influence. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
Sample Response
While some argue that athletes are positive role models, inspiring young individuals to pursue their dreams and excel, others contend that their behavior is harmful on the whole. In my opinion, despite the negatives, sports professionals are still generally positive role examples for younger people.
One legitimate criticism of athletes concerns incidences of aggressive behavior and substance abuse. These high-profile stories can have outsized influence on young and impressionable minds. Well-publicized scandals involving certain NFL players, for example, have highlighted the importance of addressing the anti-social behavior exhibited by athletes and its potential impact on fans. A fan who reads articles about athletes arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs or charged for domestic violence assaults may over time become desensitized as to the serious nature of such offenses. In rare instances, they may even intentionally or unconsciously emulate these actions.
However, a more compelling argument in favor of professional athletes serving as positive role models relates to their character. Athletes generally possess unwavering dedication and perseverance. For instance, Serena Williams, a tennis legend, showcases her relentless work ethic and determination to overcome barriers in a public setting, inspiring countless young athletes to push past obstacles and achieve greatness. Moreover, athletes often demonstrate the importance of teamwork, sportsmanship, and fair play. Kobe Bryant, a basketball icon, was renowned for his commitment to team morale and his ability to uplift his teammates in pressure-filled moments. His leadership qualities and dedication to the game have left an indelible mark on aspiring basketball players and ordinary fans alike, encouraging them to embrace the values of collaboration and respect.
After considering both perspectives, I firmly believe that professional athletes do serve as positive role models for young people. Nonetheless, by providing specific examples of inspiring athletes and addressing any drawbacks, a balance between admiration and critical thinking can be maintained.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use concise wording Original: on the whole Suggested revision: overall Why it matters: The single adverb states the same idea more directly.
- 2. Use standard collocation Original: examples Suggested revision: models Why it matters: 'Role model' is the established term for a person whose behavior others emulate.
- 3. Choose the correct noun Original: incidences Suggested revision: incidents Why it matters: 'Incidents' means individual events, whereas 'incidences' refers to rates of occurrence.
- 4. Add the article Original: have outsized influence Suggested revision: have an outsized influence Why it matters: The singular count noun 'influence' requires an article in this construction.
- 5. Correct legal collocation Original: charged for domestic violence assaults Suggested revision: charged with domestic violence Why it matters: The verb 'charged' takes 'with', and the shorter noun phrase expresses the intended offence naturally.
- 6. Correct the preposition Original: desensitized as to the serious nature Suggested revision: desensitized to the seriousness Why it matters: The adjective 'desensitized' takes the preposition 'to'.
- 7. Use parallel opposites Original: intentionally Suggested revision: consciously Why it matters: 'Consciously' forms the logical counterpart to 'unconsciously'.
- 8. Use direct wording Original: in a public setting Suggested revision: publicly Why it matters: The adverb states the manner more concisely without changing the claim.
- 9. Choose accurate wording Original: addressing any drawbacks Suggested revision: acknowledging the drawbacks Why it matters: The essay recognizes drawbacks rather than resolving or dealing with them.
- 10. Use a clear subject Original: a balance between admiration and critical thinking can be maintained Suggested revision: readers can maintain a balance between admiration and critical thinking Why it matters: An explicit subject makes clear who can maintain this balance.
Suggested Rewrites
- on the whole overall
- examples models
- incidences incidents
- have outsized influence have an outsized influence
- charged for domestic violence assaults charged with domestic violence
- desensitized as to the serious nature desensitized to the seriousness
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response addresses both perspectives directly, maintains a clear opinion, and develops its stronger positive case with specific, relevant examples. Organisation and language are controlled and persuasive, although the negative side is somewhat less fully explored and the final sentence becomes slightly abstract and detached from the writer's own conclusion. The main refinement is to balance the depth of the two sides and end with a sharper synthesis of the argument.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are directly discussed, the opinion is consistent, and the ideas are well supported, though the negative case is less extensively developed.
Give the opposing side one further layer of explanation and make the final sentence explicitly reinforce why the positive influence ultimately outweighs it.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses logically through a clear introduction, contrasting body paragraphs, and conclusion, with cohesive devices used effectively.
Tighten the conclusion so its final sentence synthesises the preceding comparison instead of introducing a more general recommendation.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide, precise, and appropriately academic, with effective topic-specific phrasing and only occasional slightly awkward combinations.
Refine isolated phrases such as domestic violence assaults and positive role examples into more natural, economical collocations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used accurately and flexibly, with only minor lapses that do not impede communication.
Polish the few cumbersome noun phrases and long clause chains to make otherwise strong sentences even more concise and natural.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people believe that professional athletes serve as positive role models for young people, while others argue that their behavior both on and off the field has a negative influence. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.