Some people think that it is better to build more public parks and sports facilities in new towns rather than shopping malls. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
It is often suggested that it would be better to erect parks and exercise facilities in new urban developments rather than shopping malls. I agree that this would be an ideal solution as it would spur on increased health awareness.
The main reason detractors are in favour of shopping malls is their benefit to the economy. Malls employ hundreds of workers from cashiers to store clerks to managers as well as the various members of janitorial staff charged with maintaining the mall itself. The benefits are clear when you couple these factors with the increased revenue that businesses bring in the form of taxation and propping up the local consumer product market.
Notwithstanding the economic returns malls bring, parks and sports facilities would do more to encourage better health. In most developed nations, buying more products, especially with online services such as Amazon readily available, is no longer a pressing issue. However, health has become the dominant concern of the decade as obesity soars and heart disease has reached pandemic levels. Well maintained, beautifully landscaped parks and outdoor exercise facilities would instill in residents an obligation to work out. If they are numerous, then older people and children, who may not be able to travel far, will also be able to access them.
In conclusion, the job market is less important than the health of ordinary residents. The bigger issue is the feasibility of such an approach given the lack of financial incentive for those towns to prioritise the foundations for their residents’ well-being over business interests.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Improve park collocation Original: erect Suggested revision: create Why it matters: Create is a more natural verb for establishing public parks.
- 2. Refine the collocation Original: spur on increased health awareness Suggested revision: promote greater health awareness Why it matters: The replacement expresses the intended effect more naturally and concisely.
- 3. Identify the group Original: detractors Suggested revision: supporters of shopping malls Why it matters: Detractors means critics, so it does not identify the people arguing in favour of malls.
- 4. Clarify economic benefit Original: their benefit to the economy Suggested revision: the economic benefits they provide Why it matters: The replacement gives the plural malls a clear referent and states the relationship directly.
- 5. Avoid overstatement Original: dominant concern of the decade Suggested revision: a major public concern Why it matters: This wording preserves the importance of health without making an unnecessarily absolute claim.
- 6. Use precise effect Original: instill in residents an obligation to work out Suggested revision: encourage residents to exercise Why it matters: The replacement matches the intended encouragement without implying a formal duty.
- 7. Clarify the reference Original: If they are numerous Suggested revision: If these facilities are widespread Why it matters: The explicit noun phrase removes ambiguity about what they refers to.
- 8. Name the decision-makers Original: financial incentive for those towns Suggested revision: financial incentive for town authorities Why it matters: Authorities, rather than towns as places, make the prioritisation decision described here.
- 9. Use accurate noun Original: foundations for their residents’ well-being Suggested revision: infrastructure supporting their residents’ well-being Why it matters: Infrastructure accurately refers to the public facilities being prioritised.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: The benefits are clear when you couple these factors with the increased revenue that businesses bring in the form of taxation and propping up the local consumer product market. Suggested revision: These benefits are clear when combined with the tax revenue generated by businesses and their support for the local consumer market. Why it matters: The rewrite restores parallel structure and removes the unclear shift to the pronoun you.
- 11. Sequence economic benefits Suggested revision: Present the employment benefit first and the tax and consumer-market benefits second, using a clear link between the direct and wider economic effects. Why it matters: The paragraph lists valid economic points, but their relationship becomes blurred in the final sentence.
Suggested Rewrites
- erect create
- spur on increased health awareness promote greater health awareness
- detractors supporters of shopping malls
- their benefit to the economy the economic benefits they provide
- dominant concern of the decade a major public concern
- instill in residents an obligation to work out encourage residents to exercise
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response presents a clear, consistent preference for parks and sports facilities, balancing the economic case for malls against a well-developed public-health argument. Ideas progress smoothly and are expressed with flexible, accurate language, though a few collocations are slightly overstated or imprecise and the final feasibility point is not fully reconciled with the conclusion. Refine those claims and connect the practical caveat more explicitly to the stated position.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The position is clear throughout, and both the opposing economic case and the preferred health case are directly and substantially developed.
Clarify how the final feasibility concern affects the recommendation so the conclusion fully resolves the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information is logically sequenced across well-focused paragraphs, with cohesive devices used fluently and unobtrusively.
Link the final practical caveat more explicitly to the preceding comparison to preserve a fully resolved progression.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide, precise, and flexible, with only occasional slightly overstated or awkward combinations.
Choose more measured wording for claims such as pandemic levels and use a more natural phrase than foundations for well-being.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is handled accurately, and the response is largely free from grammatical error.
Maintain this control while checking small modifier details, such as hyphenating well-maintained before a noun.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people think that it is better to build more public parks and sports facilities in new towns rather than shopping malls. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.