People are having more and more sugar-based drinks. What are the reasons? What can be done to make people drink less?
Sample Response
People are consuming more and more sugar-based drinks such as soft or energy drinks. I will discuss a number of reasons for this as well as several ways to encourage people to reduce their consumption of such drinks.
There are two main reasons why sugar-based drinks are consumed in large amounts everyday. Firstly, such drinks provide extra energy, increase mental alertness and help consumers to maintain high concentration necessary for their work. Most modern jobs are becoming more and more demanding and require people to spend greater effort to succeed, consequently leading to the popularity of sugar-based drinks. Secondly, the increased consumption of sugar-based drinks is linked to consumers’ lack of awareness and knowledge of a healthy diet and lifestyle as well as the dominance of fast food in the food industry. That is why sedentary lifestyles and convenient but nutrient-poor meals which include sugar-based drinks like Coca-Cola or Pepsi are being favored by a large number of people.
Although reducing the consumption of sugar-based drinks is a complex task, there are a few ways that could be done to discourage people from using those drinks regularly. One instance is to impose higher taxes on the production and distribution of sugar-based drinks, which inevitably increases their price. This may have an effect on the amount of such drinks being consumed. Another thing is that there should be more educational propagation campaigns that encourage people to follow healthy dietary guidelines and lifestyles and to refrain from using sugar-based drinks.
In conclusion, the problem of people having more and more sugar-based drinks is caused by a number of factors as discussed in the essay. Increasing taxes on sugar-based drinks and running propagation campaigns to raise consumers’ awareness of their health are two feasible solutions to combat such problem.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Improve collocation Original: high concentration Suggested revision: a high level of concentration Why it matters: This phrasing is a more natural collocation for the degree of concentration required.
- 2. Correct effort collocation Original: spend greater effort Suggested revision: make a greater effort Why it matters: English uses make an effort rather than spend effort.
- 3. Clarify sentence link Original: consequently leading to Suggested revision: which consequently leads to Why it matters: A relative clause clearly links the demanding nature of jobs to the stated consequence.
- 4. Remove redundant wording Original: consumers’ lack of awareness and knowledge of Suggested revision: consumers’ lack of awareness of Why it matters: Awareness and knowledge overlap here, so one precise noun is sufficient.
- 5. Clarify meal relationship Original: nutrient-poor meals which include Suggested revision: nutrient-poor meals accompanied by Why it matters: Drinks more naturally accompany meals than form part of them.
- 6. Correct passive collocation Original: ways that could be done Suggested revision: measures that could be taken Why it matters: Measures are taken, whereas ways cannot be done in this construction.
- 7. Name the measure Original: instance Suggested revision: measure Why it matters: Measure accurately identifies the proposed policy action.
- 8. State the effect directly Original: have an effect on the amount of Suggested revision: reduce the quantity of Why it matters: The revision expresses the intended reduction more directly and precisely.
- 9. Use natural campaign term Original: educational propagation campaigns Suggested revision: educational campaigns Why it matters: Propagation is unnatural in this context and adds no useful meaning.
- 10. Fix parallel collocations Original: follow healthy dietary guidelines and lifestyles Suggested revision: follow healthy dietary guidelines and adopt healthier lifestyles Why it matters: People follow guidelines but adopt lifestyles, so the coordinated verbs need different collocations.
- 11. Add correct determiner Original: such Suggested revision: this Why it matters: The singular count noun requires an appropriate determiner here.
- 12. Clarify drink categories Original: soft or energy drinks Suggested revision: soft drinks or energy drinks Why it matters: Repeating drinks makes the two beverage categories immediately clear.
Suggested Rewrites
- high concentration a high level of concentration
- spend greater effort make a greater effort
- consequently leading to which consequently leads to
- consumers’ lack of awareness and knowledge of consumers’ lack of awareness of
- nutrient-poor meals which include nutrient-poor meals accompanied by
- ways that could be done measures that could be taken
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response is strongest in its clear structure and direct coverage of both the causes of rising sugary-drink consumption and possible remedies. Its main limitation is that several claims remain general or only briefly justified, while a few unnatural word choices reduce precision. The highest-priority improvement is to develop each cause-and-solution link with a more specific explanation or example and use more natural collocations.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both parts of the task are answered with relevant causes and feasible solutions, although some supporting explanations remain general.
Develop each main point with a specific causal explanation or concrete example showing why it would increase or reduce consumption.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses logically through causes and solutions, with clear paragraphing and generally effective linking.
Use a wider range of less mechanical transitions and make the link between each claim and its consequence more explicit.
Lexical Resource
A good range of topic vocabulary conveys the ideas precisely overall, despite several awkward collocations such as educational propagation campaigns.
Replace unnatural combinations with idiomatic choices such as public health campaigns, make a greater effort, and reduce consumption.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex sentences are used with generally good control, and the occasional article, modifier, or phrasing error does not impede meaning.
Proofread complex clauses for article use and natural grammatical patterns, especially constructions such as ways that could be used.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
People are having more and more sugar-based drinks. What are the reasons? What can be done to make people drink less?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.