In many countries, sports and exercise classes are replaced with the academic subjects. Discuss the effects of this trend.
Sample Response
Over the past few decades, academic subjects have become increasingly important in this fast-changing information-based society. Nowadays, there has been a growing debate as to whether it would be more effective to replace physical education classes with academic subjects. Despite the importance of sports, I highly believe that it is inevitable and more efficient to focus more on academic subjects for several reasons. Those who argue that sports and exercise classes are needed in school base their case on the following arguments. First of all, sports are a good way to build character and develop personality. That is, there are necessary for learning about competition, cooperation, and good sportsmanship. In addition, as a majority of children these days are addicted to the Internet, they find it hard to leave their computer. Consequently, a growing number of children are becoming overweight or obese due to a lack of exercise. So, if schools foster an environment that deprives students of getting a proper physical education, it will have a long-term negative effect on children both mentally and physically. Nevertheless, people should not ignore the fact that devoting more time and energy to academic subjects will benefit students more in the long run. The time devoted to physical education now would be better spent teaching students English. This is because speaking fluent English will give young people an advantage over other college applicants and job seekers in the near future. Besides, science will undoubtedly benefit youth more than physical education as well. The principles learned in science will provide the necessary foundation for solving and difficult problems that are sure to arise in students' futures. In summary, there are high hopes that educators and parents exercise wisdom in teaching young generations.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use concise phrasing Original: there has been a growing debate as to whether Suggested revision: there is growing debate over whether Why it matters: The replacement expresses the same idea more directly.
- 2. Use natural collocation Original: highly Suggested revision: strongly Why it matters: “Strongly believe” is the standard collocation for firm conviction.
- 3. Use formal phrasing Original: focus more on academic subjects Suggested revision: place greater emphasis on academic subjects Why it matters: The replacement states the intended priority more precisely.
- 4. Use plural noun Original: school Suggested revision: schools Why it matters: The general reference requires the plural noun “schools.”
- 5. Correct the pronoun Original: there Suggested revision: they Why it matters: “They” is needed to refer back to sports and exercise classes.
- 6. Match plural reference Original: computer Suggested revision: computers Why it matters: The plural possessive reference to children calls for the plural noun here.
- 7. Correct the verb pattern Original: deprives students of getting Suggested revision: prevents students from receiving Why it matters: The revised verb pattern is grammatical and natural in this context.
- 8. Express effects precisely Original: a long-term negative effect on children both mentally and physically Suggested revision: long-term negative effects on children’s mental and physical health Why it matters: The replacement directly identifies the two areas affected.
- 9. Use adverb correctly Original: speaking fluent English Suggested revision: speaking English fluently Why it matters: The adverb “fluently” should modify the verb “speaking.”
- 10. Remove faulty conjunction Original: solving and difficult problems Suggested revision: solving difficult problems Why it matters: “And” incorrectly separates the verb from its object.
- 11. Use natural collocation Original: based Suggested revision: driven Why it matters: “Information-driven society” is the more natural collocation here.
- 12. Coordinate paired qualities Original: it is inevitable and more efficient Suggested revision: it is both inevitable and more efficient Why it matters: “Both” makes the coordination of the two qualities clearer.
Suggested Rewrites
- there has been a growing debate as to whether there is growing debate over whether
- highly strongly
- focus more on academic subjects place greater emphasis on academic subjects
- school schools
- there they
- computer computers
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response's strongest feature is its relevant coverage of both adverse physical and social consequences and potential academic benefits, with examples that generally support each side. Its main limitation is that the discussion is presented as one continuous block and ends with a vague conclusion that does not synthesise the effects. The highest-priority improvement is to separate the contrasting effects into clear paragraphs and finish by explicitly weighing their likely overall impact.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses several relevant negative and positive effects and supports them with explanations, but its final position does not clearly synthesise the discussion.
Conclude by directly comparing the health and character costs with the claimed academic benefits and state the likely net effect.
Coherence and Cohesion
The ideas follow a broadly logical contrast between physical education and academic study, but the absence of paragraph breaks and mechanical transitions weaken organisation.
Use separate paragraphs for adverse effects, academic benefits, and the conclusion, with a clear topic sentence for each.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a reasonably varied topic vocabulary and communicates its arguments clearly, despite several awkward or imprecise word combinations.
Replace unnatural combinations with precise phrasing and proofread for accidental additions that distort otherwise clear expressions.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures is used with generally clear meaning, although recurring agreement, pronoun, and sentence-construction errors remain.
Check every complex sentence for a complete clause pattern, consistent pronoun reference, and accurate subject-verb agreement.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In many countries, sports and exercise classes are replaced with the academic subjects. Discuss the effects of this trend.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.