Some think schools should rewards students who have the best academic results, while others think it’s more important to reward students who achieve other types of success (such as sports, music, and good behaviour). Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
It is common to reward students for their academic success but many today believe schools should also recognise other areas of excellence such as athletics and behaviour. In my opinion, rewarding academic results is more important as it is a powerful motivator and should not be replicated for other pursuits.
Rewarding academic success is part of an historic system of control. The purpose is self-evident: to psychologically compel continued positive results. For example, in many East Asian countries such as Vietnam where good marks are highly valued, it is not uncommon for parents to offer financial incentives to students, schools to regularly hand out certificates of excellence, and teachers to highlight individuals for praise. All these distinctions are powerful extrinsic motivators that draw students away from the, often monotonous, subject being studied itself to monetary gains, public recognition and the esteem of one’s teachers, respectively. This effectively exploits basic desires for respect and reinforces a pattern of academic excellence.
However, despite the benefits listed above, other types of activities contain their own rewards already. A student who behaves well in class will typically earn the appreciation of teachers or simply do it out of their natural temperament and therefore not require compensation. Students with athletic prowess enjoy the reverence of their peers and the sports themselves. These built-in rewards apply to a variety of fields of success outside traditional school subjects. In fact, rewarding behaviours that students already enjoy doing in themselves might actually hinder motivation. Students could potentially become more focused on the reward than the experience itself and an intrinsic drive will become extrinsic, ironically now requiring tangible reinforcement to continue.
In conclusion, rewarding academics is a proven method of reinforcement that could have the opposite effect of decreasing intrinsic motivation when applied to other areas. Teachers and parents should be wary of the subtle difference between encouraging children and establishing a near-Pavlovian relationship.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Add clause comma Original: success but many Suggested revision: success, but many Why it matters: A comma should precede but when it joins two independent clauses.
- 2. Clarify pronoun reference Original: as it is a powerful motivator Suggested revision: because this recognition is a powerful motivator Why it matters: This recognition identifies what acts as the motivator more clearly than it.
- 3. Specify the reference Original: The purpose is self-evident Suggested revision: The purpose of such rewards is clear Why it matters: Naming the rewards creates a clearer link with the preceding sentence.
- 4. Use precise reference Original: distinctions Suggested revision: rewards Why it matters: Rewards refers more directly to the financial incentives, certificates, and praise just listed.
- 5. Fix phrasing and commas Original: the, often monotonous, subject being studied itself Suggested revision: the often monotonous subject matter itself Why it matters: The revision removes unjustified commas and replaces the awkward noun phrase with a natural one.
- 6. Improve natural phrasing Original: other types of activities contain their own rewards already Suggested revision: other activities already provide their own rewards Why it matters: Provide their own rewards is more idiomatic and already sits naturally before the verb.
- 7. Avoid overstatement Original: reverence Suggested revision: admiration Why it matters: Admiration expresses positive peer regard without the excessive intensity of reverence.
- 8. Use natural collocation Original: fields of success Suggested revision: areas of achievement Why it matters: Areas of achievement is a more natural phrase for different forms of success.
- 9. Clarify awkward phrase Original: behaviours that students already enjoy doing in themselves Suggested revision: activities that students already enjoy for their own sake Why it matters: The revision clearly expresses that the activities have intrinsic appeal.
- 10. Correct intended noun Original: rewarding academics Suggested revision: rewarding academic achievement Why it matters: Academics refers to people or fields of study, while academic achievement is what the essay proposes rewarding.
- 11. Use precise verb Original: should not be replicated for other pursuits Suggested revision: should not be extended to other pursuits Why it matters: Extended more clearly describes applying the same reward system to additional activities.
- 12. Refine broad description Original: an historic system of control Suggested revision: a long-established system of control Why it matters: Long-established states the intended sense of duration more precisely than historic.
Suggested Rewrites
- success but many success, but many
- as it is a powerful motivator because this recognition is a powerful motivator
- The purpose is self-evident The purpose of such rewards is clear
- distinctions rewards
- the, often monotonous, subject being studied itself the often monotonous subject matter itself
- other types of activities contain their own rewards already other activities already provide their own rewards
Why this response received Band 7.5
The response is strongest in its sophisticated, tightly controlled argument and precise explanation of extrinsic versus intrinsic motivation. Its main limitation is task coverage: the second body paragraph argues why non-academic success should not be rewarded, rather than explaining why some people believe such success deserves school recognition. Add a genuinely developed case for that opposing view before evaluating it, while retaining the essay's clear position and strong language control.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The position favouring academic rewards is clear and extensively supported, but the case for rewarding other kinds of success is not actually developed.
Explain why supporters believe schools should recognise sporting, musical, or behavioural achievement before presenting the rebuttal based on intrinsic motivation.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses clearly through focused paragraphs, and cohesive relationships are handled smoothly without distracting overuse.
Signal the opposing view more explicitly at the start of the third paragraph so its role in the required discussion is unmistakable.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide, precise, and sophisticated, with effective control of terms such as extrinsic motivation, tangible reinforcement, and athletic prowess.
Refine occasional over-elaborate or awkward wording, such as rewarding behaviours that students already enjoy doing in themselves, for greater naturalness.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide variety of complex structures is used with strong control, and nearly all sentences are accurate and easy to follow.
Polish minor punctuation choices, especially unnecessary commas around embedded modifiers, to make already strong sentences even cleaner.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some think schools should rewards students who have the best academic results, while others think it’s more important to reward students who achieve other types of success (such as sports, music, and good behaviour). Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.