In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
Sample Response
Weight and health of a person are inter-related aspects. Nowadays, it seems that obesity has become a significant concern in some countries, as a result people there are getting relatively unhealthy than before. In this essay, the factors relating to over-weight and the ways to tackle them would be discussed.
There seem to be various reasons on why people become a victim of obesity. Firstly, the popularity of public and private vehicles have, to a large extent, discouraged people from walking to their works, shopping places etc. Secondly, there are few people who are regularly involved in some forms of exercises to burn their calories. Furthermore, the increasing trend of intake of junk foods like noodles, chips and cafeteria products as burgers, pizzas etc. have significantly contributed to dumping calories in people. For example, a guy from my neighbourhood does not go to the gym and takes a large amount of high-calorie fast foods. As a result, his weight is 74 kg while he is only 20 years old.
Modifications in sedentary lifestyles and proper diet could certainly address the problem to a large extent. To be more specific, consumption of calorie should be done according to the body requirements, by calculating the age, height-weight ratio. Diet should be balanced, inclusive of fats, carbohydrates, vitamins and minerals in required quantities rather than just oily and spicy. Additionally, exercises are also inevitable factors for a healthy body and it should be encouraged among all age groups. One should be motivated to give up sedentary habits and lead a more active life by walking, running, jogging, going to the gym etc.
Therefore, I would like to conclude that inappropriate food habits and non-active lifestyles are the contributors to obesity which can only be dealt with careful meal planning and calorie burning activities.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix comma splice Original: countries, as a result people Suggested revision: countries; as a result, people Why it matters: A semicolon separates the clauses and a comma follows the linking phrase.
- 2. Correct comparison Original: relatively unhealthy than before Suggested revision: less healthy than before Why it matters: The comparative phrase requires less healthy rather than relatively unhealthy.
- 3. Use closed spelling Original: over-weight Suggested revision: overweight Why it matters: Overweight is written as one word in this use.
- 4. Use direct future Original: would be discussed Suggested revision: will be discussed Why it matters: Will is clearer for announcing what the essay is about to discuss.
- 5. Remove wrong preposition Original: reasons on why Suggested revision: reasons why Why it matters: The noun reasons connects directly to why without on.
- 6. Use precise wording Original: a victim of obesity Suggested revision: obese Why it matters: The adjective expresses the condition more directly and neutrally.
- 7. Match singular subject Original: popularity of public and private vehicles have Suggested revision: popularity of public and private vehicles has Why it matters: The singular head noun popularity requires has.
- 8. Use uncountable noun Original: their works Suggested revision: work Why it matters: Work is uncountable when referring generally to a workplace or employment.
- 9. Fix noun forms Original: some forms of exercises Suggested revision: some form of exercise Why it matters: Exercise is uncountable when it refers generally to physical activity.
- 10. Improve collocation Original: trend of intake of junk foods Suggested revision: trend towards consuming junk food Why it matters: This wording uses the natural pattern trend towards and treats food generically.
- 11. Complete example phrase Original: cafeteria products as Suggested revision: cafeteria products such as Why it matters: Examples introduced by as require the full phrase such as.
- 12. Use natural expression Original: dumping calories in people Suggested revision: increasing people's calorie intake Why it matters: Calories are consumed rather than dumped in people.
Suggested Rewrites
- countries, as a result people countries; as a result, people
- relatively unhealthy than before less healthy than before
- over-weight overweight
- would be discussed will be discussed
- reasons on why reasons why
- a victim of obesity obese
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response clearly identifies several relevant causes and proposes practical changes to diet and activity, with a straightforward structure that keeps the argument easy to follow. Its main limitation is uneven development, especially the weak illustrative example, alongside frequent awkward wording and grammar errors. The highest priority is to explain each cause-solution link more precisely while improving sentence-level accuracy.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response addresses both causes and measures with relevant ideas, though support is uneven and the personal example does not convincingly demonstrate obesity.
Develop fewer ideas more fully by explaining how each proposed measure directly counters a stated cause and by using a more meaningful example.
Coherence and Cohesion
The four-part structure and sequencing are clear, but cohesion is sometimes mechanical and some references between ideas are imprecise.
Use more natural transitions and clearer referencing so that examples, consequences, and solutions connect explicitly to the claims they support.
Lexical Resource
There is enough topic vocabulary to discuss diet, exercise, and lifestyle, but recurring awkward collocations and word-choice errors reduce precision.
Replace unnatural phrases such as dumping calories and non-active lifestyles with accurate, idiomatic combinations, and check noun forms and countability.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures conveys the main meaning, but agreement, article, plural, and preposition errors recur throughout.
Prioritise subject-verb agreement and noun-phrase accuracy, then proofread complex sentences for pronoun reference and missing articles or prepositions.