Some say that music plays an important role in society whilst others think it is simply a form of entertainment. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
The role of music in society is a topic that elicits contrasting opinions. Some argue that music holds a significant position, serving various purposes beyond mere entertainment, while others perceive it solely as a form of amusement. This essay will explore both perspectives and explain why music's role in society cannot be reduced to a mere form of entertainment.
On one hand, detractors may argue that music primarily serves as a form of entertainment. They argue that its primary function is to provide enjoyment and serve as a means of relaxation or escape from daily routines while its broader societal impact is limited. From this perspective, music is seen as a commodity that caters to individual preferences and tastes, meaning that it is mainly consumed for personal pleasure rather than for its societal impact or cultural significance. Critics contend that the emphasis on the recreation aspect of music has overshadowed the artistic and cultural value, compromising its authenticity and significance.
Nevertheless, I believe that music plays a multifaceted role in society, most notably in terms of social advancements and cultural significance. Regarding the former, music has the potential to inspire and educate, instilling profound messages and promoting social change. Throughout history, songs have acted as catalysts for social movements, thereby advocating for social justice and equality. Secondly, music is deeply intertwined with the cultural fabric of societies around the world, reflecting their traditions, beliefs, and values. Traditional music genres and songs are passed down through generations, thus acting as a link to the past and providing insights into the social, religious, and historical contexts of a community.
In conclusion, although some may place a significant emphasis on the recreational role of music, I believe that what it can contribute to society is not confined to mere entertainment. While it brings joy and amusement, its influence extends beyond personal enjoyment, inspiring positive changes and shaping cultural identities.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural collocation Original: holds a significant position Suggested revision: plays a significant role Why it matters: 'Plays a significant role' is the more natural collocation for describing music's importance.
- 2. Complete fixed phrase Original: On one hand Suggested revision: On the one hand Why it matters: The paired discourse expression requires the definite article.
- 3. Use accurate label Original: detractors Suggested revision: supporters of this view Why it matters: These people support the entertainment view rather than necessarily opposing music itself.
- 4. Mark contrast clearly Original: routines while Suggested revision: routines, while Why it matters: The comma clearly separates the contrasting independent clauses joined by 'while'.
- 5. Use adjective form Original: recreation Suggested revision: recreational Why it matters: The adjective 'recreational' correctly modifies 'aspect'.
- 6. Clarify possession Original: the Suggested revision: its Why it matters: The possessive determiner clearly links the value to music.
- 7. Improve collocation Original: advancements Suggested revision: progress Why it matters: 'Social progress' is the more natural collocation for beneficial societal change.
- 8. Use precise verb Original: instilling Suggested revision: conveying Why it matters: Messages are more naturally 'conveyed' through music than 'instilled'.
- 9. Align transition sequence Original: Secondly Suggested revision: In addition Why it matters: This transition fits because the preceding point is not explicitly introduced as 'firstly'.
- 10. Use concise noun phrase Original: what it can contribute to society Suggested revision: its contribution to society Why it matters: The noun phrase expresses the same idea more directly and economically.
Suggested Rewrites
- holds a significant position plays a significant role
- On one hand On the one hand
- detractors supporters of this view
- routines while routines, while
- recreation recreational
- the its
Why this response received Band 8.0
The essay addresses both perspectives directly, maintains a clear opinion, and develops the societal role of music through relevant social and cultural examples. Its main limitation is that the entertainment view is less concretely supported and occasionally drifts into criticizing that view; adding a specific example and sharpening a few awkward lexical choices would make the discussion more evenly developed and precise.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are directly addressed and the opinion is clear and well supported, although the entertainment perspective receives slightly less concrete development.
Add one specific example illustrating music's recreational function to make the treatment of both views equally substantial.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument is logically sequenced, well paragraphed, and smoothly connected with clear internal progression.
Refine the transition within the entertainment paragraph so its final sentence does not blur the boundary between the two perspectives.
Lexical Resource
A wide range of precise topic vocabulary is used fluently, with only occasional slightly unnatural choices.
Replace minor awkward phrases such as recreation aspect with the most idiomatic academic alternatives.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A broad variety of complex structures is handled with strong control, and errors are rare and minor.
Polish the few remaining article and punctuation details to make already accurate complex sentences fully controlled.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some say that music plays an important role in society whilst others think it is simply a form of entertainment. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.