The amount of time spent on sports and exercise should be increased in school in order to tackle the problem of overweight children. Do you think this is the best way to deal with this problem? What other solutions can you suggest?
Sample Response
Addressing the issue of overweight children, some propose increasing the time allocated to sports and exercise in schools as a solution. However, this essay argues that while physical activity is essential, solely increasing sports time in schools might not be the most effective strategy. Instead, a multifaceted approach involving nutritional education and parental involvement offers more viable solutions.
Merely increasing sports and exercise time in schools might not sufficiently address the complex issue of childhood obesity. Children spend a limited time in school and solely relying on this period for physical activity may not counterbalance sedentary lifestyles outside of school hours. Additionally, focusing solely on increased sports time may overlook the crucial role of diet and nutritional habits in combating obesity.
One alternative solution involves integrating comprehensive nutritional education into the school curriculum. Educating children about healthy eating habits, balanced diets, and the importance of nutritional choices can instil lifelong healthy practices. For instance, introducing practical nutrition classes or workshops can empower children to make informed dietary decisions, complementing physical activity for a holistic approach to health.
Another solution revolves around fostering parental involvement and awareness. Parents play a pivotal role in shaping children's lifestyles, including diet and physical activity. Schools can organize workshops or information sessions targeting parents, educating them on creating a conducive home environment that promotes healthy eating and active lifestyles.
In conclusion, while increasing sports time in schools is beneficial, it alone cannot effectively address childhood obesity. A comprehensive strategy that includes nutritional education within schools and encourages parental involvement holds more promise. By combining physical activity with nutritional education and parental engagement, a holistic approach can significantly mitigate the challenge of childhood obesity.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use concise terminology Original: Addressing the issue of overweight children Suggested revision: Addressing childhood obesity Why it matters: The replacement states the issue more concisely and naturally.
- 2. Improve the collocation Original: solely increasing sports time Suggested revision: solely increasing the time devoted to sport Why it matters: This is a more natural formal collocation than “sports time”.
- 3. Choose a precise adjective Original: viable Suggested revision: effective Why it matters: “Effective” directly expresses the solutions' ability to address the problem.
- 4. Use natural phrasing Original: spend a limited time in school Suggested revision: spend a limited amount of time at school Why it matters: This phrasing is more idiomatic for the amount of time children are at school.
- 5. Fix clause structure Original: and solely relying on this period Suggested revision: so relying solely on this period Why it matters: The new connector makes the participial clause follow logically from the preceding statement.
- 6. Clarify the effect Original: counterbalance sedentary lifestyles Suggested revision: offset the effects of sedentary lifestyles Why it matters: Exercise can offset the effects of a lifestyle rather than the lifestyle itself.
- 7. Use a natural collocation Original: nutritional Suggested revision: eating Why it matters: “Eating habits” is the more natural expression for habitual dietary behaviour.
- 8. Clarify the outcome Original: can instil lifelong healthy practices Suggested revision: can help children develop lifelong healthy habits Why it matters: The revision makes the affected group explicit and uses a more natural collocation.
- 9. Clarify the relationship Original: complementing physical activity for a holistic approach to health Suggested revision: thereby complementing physical activity as part of a holistic approach to health Why it matters: “Thereby” clearly links informed decisions to the resulting holistic approach.
- 10. Use clearer wording Original: conducive Suggested revision: supportive Why it matters: “Supportive” expresses the intended home conditions more directly.
Suggested Rewrites
- Addressing the issue of overweight children Addressing childhood obesity
- solely increasing sports time solely increasing the time devoted to sport
- viable effective
- spend a limited time in school spend a limited amount of time at school
- and solely relying on this period so relying solely on this period
- counterbalance sedentary lifestyles offset the effects of sedentary lifestyles
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response’s strongest feature is its direct, consistently maintained position, supported by two relevant alternatives and clear explanations of why school exercise alone is insufficient. Its main limitation is that the support remains somewhat general and repeats the same holistic-health framing rather than examining practical limitations or outcomes in depth. Prioritise one more specific, developed example showing how a proposed measure would reduce obesity.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response fully answers both questions with a clear position and two relevant, logically developed alternatives.
Develop one proposal with a more concrete example or causal detail to make the support more incisive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through well-focused paragraphs, and cohesive devices guide the reader smoothly without becoming intrusive.
Reduce repetition of the contrast between exercise alone and a holistic approach by varying how later points are linked.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide, precise, and appropriately formal, with effective phrases such as “counterbalance sedentary lifestyles” and “conducive home environment.”
Vary repeated terms such as “solely,” “nutritional education,” and “holistic approach” to sharpen lexical flexibility.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex sentence structures is used accurately, with only minor awkwardness that does not impede communication.
Refine occasional constructions such as “educating them on creating” so complex phrasing remains fully natural.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The amount of time spent on sports and exercise should be increased in school in order to tackle the problem of overweight children. Do you think this is the best way to deal with this problem? What other solutions can you suggest?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.