Many people believe that schools should teach children to become good citizens and workers rather than independent individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give your own opinion and relevant examples.
Sample Response
The debate about whether educational institutions should primarily aim at producing good citizens and workers or great thinkers has different sides. Personally, I consider the latter quite highly even though independent humans result in some advantages. However, I am of the opinion that the former presents many more.
The two most important reasons why schools need to produce free thinkers are as follows; First, the kids are going to be more responsible, which is a very important skill to become successful. For instance, they will know how to look after themselves like going to school all by themselves, doing their homework, and helping out with house chores, this way the parents will be less burdened. Second, the children will be physically and mentally very strong as they will be able to cope with a hard situation better and with less stress and will be less influenced by their peers and therefore will be faster in their development.
However, there is one reason that can not be overlooked which is no other than the need for quality humans and employees. The conclusion is that this method could lead to a better society. Children will have qualities of various good manners and become a perfect community to live with. Besides, if people turn out to be good workers that would also mean high earnings which would in turn lower the unemployment rate. Thus, it would lessen the people's interest in committing a crime which is a way of solving inequality at the same time.
To conclude, the development of independent individuals is indeed important and necessary, but I am of the opinion that being good people and workers is the priority.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural phrasing Original: has different sides Suggested revision: has generated differing views Why it matters: The replacement expresses disagreement about the issue with a natural academic collocation.
- 2. Correct the collocation Original: consider the latter quite highly Suggested revision: value the latter highly Why it matters: The verb "value" correctly expresses assigning importance to the latter aim.
- 3. Choose an appropriate noun Original: humans Suggested revision: individuals Why it matters: "Individuals" is the natural formal noun for people in this educational context.
- 4. Complete the comparison Original: the former presents many more Suggested revision: the former offers many more advantages Why it matters: The comparison needs a noun to specify what the former approach offers more of.
- 5. Introduce the list correctly Original: as follows; First Suggested revision: as follows: first Why it matters: A colon, rather than a semicolon, should introduce the reasons that follow.
- 6. Use a formal noun Original: kids Suggested revision: children Why it matters: "Children" is more appropriate than the informal "kids" in an academic essay.
- 7. Use a direct verb Original: going to be more responsible Suggested revision: become more responsible Why it matters: The direct verb makes the predicted developmental change more concise and precise.
- 8. Correct the collocation Original: skill to become successful Suggested revision: quality for achieving success Why it matters: The replacement expresses the relationship between responsibility and success more naturally.
- 9. Use natural collocation Original: cope with a hard situation Suggested revision: cope with difficult situations Why it matters: English normally uses "difficult situations" rather than "a hard situation" in this general claim.
- 10. Use precise modification Original: better and with less stress Suggested revision: more effectively and with less stress Why it matters: "More effectively" modifies the verb "cope" more precisely than "better."
- 11. Use the correct structure Original: will be faster in their development Suggested revision: will develop more quickly Why it matters: The adverb "quickly" correctly modifies the verb describing their development.
- 12. Remove wordiness Original: which is no other than Suggested revision: namely Why it matters: The concise connector introduces the specific reason without the cumbersome original phrase.
Suggested Rewrites
- has different sides has generated differing views
- consider the latter quite highly value the latter highly
- humans individuals
- the former presents many more the former offers many more advantages
- as follows; First as follows: first
- kids children
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response maintains a recognizable position and uses a clear four-paragraph structure, with relevant discussion of independence and social contribution. Its main limitation is that the case for prioritizing good citizens and workers is thin and sometimes supported by unclear causal links, while awkward collocations and long, loosely controlled sentences reduce precision. The priority is to develop the preferred side with concrete evidence and express each causal step in shorter, grammatically controlled sentences.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A relevant position is maintained and both perspectives are discussed, but the preferred side is insufficiently developed and some supporting claims are unclear.
Build the argument for good citizens and workers around one or two specific reasons, each supported by a convincing example.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing and basic progression are clear, although mechanical sequencing and loosely connected causal claims weaken the flow within paragraphs.
Organize each body paragraph around one controlling idea and make every following sentence explicitly advance that idea.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is adequate for the topic, but several awkward collocations and imprecise expressions reduce clarity and naturalness.
Use conventional phrases such as responsible citizens, skilled employees, and lower crime rates instead of forcing unfamiliar combinations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts varied complex sentences, but run-ons, punctuation problems, and loosely controlled coordination occur repeatedly.
Break long sentences into clearly punctuated units and check that each clause has an unambiguous subject and grammatical link.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Many people believe that schools should teach children to become good citizens and workers rather than independent individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give your own opinion and relevant examples.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.