There are more and more effective security measures in large cities to reduce crime. For example, installation of anti-crime devices in cities. Does this endeavor bring more benefits than problems? What is your stand on this?
Sample Response
Crime has been a menace to society for ages, and unlawful activities have been seeing a rise for the past few years. The judicial system has improved over the years as more stringent laws have been put in effect, especially in urban areas. Moreover, with the aid of advanced technology, keeping track of almost every segment of a locality has become convenient for the authorities. With that in mind, I believe there are both merits and demerits to such modern systems and in the following paragraphs, I will elaborate on the same.
Firstly, we have to acknowledge the sheer brilliance of the advancement in security equipment that humanity has achieved lately. The ability to monitor suspicious transactions, conversations or even actions without the risk of being noticed has led law enforcement to evade crime to a substantial degree. Secondly, these improvements have made it considerably easier to locate criminals and bring them to justice.
However, there are some grave complications with the use of such surveillance methods. The authority and control that these safety measures bring along with themselves is tremendous and can have dangerous consequences if not utilised judiciously. Therefore, in the wrong hands, such mechanisms have the potential to harm society to a great extent. There have also been instances of misuse of these technological facilities for illegal activities by hackers.
Finally, I would conclude by saying that progress in the area of public safety is a must and should be facilitated as much as possible. That being said, proper guidelines should be defined for the use of such safeguards to avoid problematic repercussions.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural phrasing Original: unlawful activities have been seeing a rise Suggested revision: unlawful activities have been increasing Why it matters: The replacement expresses the upward trend more naturally and directly.
- 2. Correct the preposition Original: in Suggested revision: into Why it matters: The standard expression for implementing laws is 'put into effect'.
- 3. Choose precise wording Original: keeping track of almost every segment of a locality Suggested revision: monitoring almost every part of a locality Why it matters: The revision describes technological surveillance more precisely.
- 4. Clarify the reference Original: elaborate on the same Suggested revision: discuss these points Why it matters: The replacement removes a vague reference and clearly points back to the merits and demerits.
- 5. Correct the collocation Original: has led law enforcement to evade crime Suggested revision: has helped law enforcement prevent crime Why it matters: Law enforcement prevents crime; 'evade crime' incorrectly suggests escaping from it.
- 6. Use concise wording Original: harm society to a great extent Suggested revision: cause considerable harm to society Why it matters: The revision is more concise and uses a more natural academic collocation.
- 7. Use formal wording Original: is a must Suggested revision: is essential Why it matters: 'Is essential' conveys the claim in a more appropriately formal register.
- 8. Choose natural verb Original: defined Suggested revision: established Why it matters: Guidelines are more naturally described as being established than defined in this context.
- 9. Avoid vague wording Original: problematic repercussions Suggested revision: harmful consequences Why it matters: The replacement states the negative outcome more precisely and naturally.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: Firstly, we have to acknowledge the sheer brilliance of the advancement in security equipment that humanity has achieved lately. Suggested revision: First, we should acknowledge the remarkable recent advances in security equipment. Why it matters: This revision preserves the claim while removing inflated and cumbersome wording.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: The authority and control that these safety measures bring along with themselves is tremendous and can have dangerous consequences if not utilised judiciously. Suggested revision: The authority and control that these safety measures provide are tremendous and can have dangerous consequences if not utilised judiciously. Why it matters: The rewrite fixes subject-verb agreement and removes the incorrect reflexive construction.
- 12. Sentence rewrite Original: There have also been instances of misuse of these technological facilities for illegal activities by hackers. Suggested revision: Hackers have also misused these technological facilities for illegal activities. Why it matters: The active construction makes the agent and action immediately clear.
Suggested Rewrites
- unlawful activities have been seeing a rise unlawful activities have been increasing
- in into
- keeping track of almost every segment of a locality monitoring almost every part of a locality
- elaborate on the same discuss these points
- has led law enforcement to evade crime has helped law enforcement prevent crime
- harm society to a great extent cause considerable harm to society
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response is strongest in its clear organisation and confident discussion of both the crime-reduction benefits and the risks of surveillance. Its main limitation is that the position is only fully apparent in the conclusion, while several claims remain general rather than being concretely explained. The highest priority is to state the comparative judgement from the outset and develop each side with a specific mechanism or example.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses benefits and problems and ultimately supports security measures with safeguards, although some ideas are only generally developed.
State clearly in the introduction whether the benefits outweigh the problems and support each main claim with a concrete explanation or example.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information progresses logically through an introduction, contrasting body paragraphs, and a consistent conclusion, with clear paragraphing and referencing.
Use less formulaic sequencing and make the logical relationship between each claim and its consequence more explicit.
Lexical Resource
A broad vocabulary conveys the argument effectively, though several collocations such as "evade crime" and "bring along with themselves" are imprecise.
Prioritise natural collocations, such as "prevent crime" and "give authorities considerable power", over elaborate but awkward phrasing.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A varied range of complex structures is used with generally strong control, and the few awkward constructions do not impede meaning.
Refine agreement and pronoun structures in longer sentences so that complex ideas are expressed more naturally and precisely.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
There are more and more effective security measures in large cities to reduce crime. For example, installation of anti-crime devices in cities. Does this endeavor bring more benefits than problems? What is your stand on this?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.