Many people say that the 9/11 is a significant world event that has changed the world. Discuss the influence on world economy and other aspects taken by 9/11 incident.
Sample Response
On 11th September, the whole world was shocked by the terrorist attack on New York, the centre of American politics, finance and economy. Four airplanes crashed, two of which ruined the twin trade towers, causing unprecedented losses. The New York Stocked Exchange was forced to be halted for four days, and the financial area in Manhattan a week away. According to the report by New York Municipality, the attack resulted in a loss of 100 billion dollars, direct or indirect.
Undoubtedly, 9/11 incident makes Americas economy slide downward more sharply than ever before, with a decrease of Don Jones at 8000 points shortly after the attack. In contrast with economic losses, the perspective of markets has become more and more uncertain. Market orientated economy requires our confidence in economic rules. Investors are not willing to release their capital to the ever-changing market; for fear that they could not get the expected profit. 9/11 terrorist attack also causes many psychological problems to the Americans. The instability of society prohibited their trips outside, undermining their anxiety of consumption, which is a heavier attack on the stimulation of economic revival. On the other hand, we should not be too pessimistic about the positive effects of the attack. The crackdown on terrorism globally has connected American government with other countries, including China, which is beneficial to the capital market in the world. Furthermore, the war against terrorism stimulates American economy by the dimensional expenditure and cut down of taxes. An open financial market, flexible policy and advantageous information technology foretell vigorous opportunities for economic development. 9/11 incident is the largest catastrophe in human history, which not only deprived people of husbands, wives, relatives and friends but also made the world economy recede. We should adopt an optimistic attitude, overcoming the temporary recession and cultivating a prosperous future.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use correct name Original: twin trade towers Suggested revision: Twin Towers Why it matters: The established name of the buildings is 'Twin Towers'.
- 2. Correct institution name Original: New York Stocked Exchange Suggested revision: New York Stock Exchange Why it matters: 'Stock' is the correct word in the institution's name.
- 3. Avoid double passive Original: was forced to be halted Suggested revision: was forced to close Why it matters: The revision removes the awkward double passive construction.
- 4. Use natural attribution Original: According to the report by New York Municipality Suggested revision: According to a report by the New York City government Why it matters: This wording gives the attribution in more natural English.
- 5. Use adverbial form Original: direct or indirect Suggested revision: directly and indirectly Why it matters: Adverbs are required to describe how the loss was incurred.
- 6. Add article and plural Original: Undoubtedly, 9/11 incident Suggested revision: Undoubtedly, the 9/11 attacks Why it matters: The event requires a definite article, and 'attacks' accurately matches the plural events described.
- 7. Add possessive apostrophe Original: Americas economy Suggested revision: America's economy Why it matters: The apostrophe marks the possessive form of 'America'.
- 8. Correct index name Original: Don Jones Suggested revision: Dow Jones Why it matters: 'Dow Jones' is the intended name of the market index.
- 9. Use movement preposition Original: at 8000 points Suggested revision: to 8,000 points Why it matters: 'To' indicates the level reached after a decrease.
- 10. Use natural collocation Original: the perspective of markets Suggested revision: the outlook for markets Why it matters: 'The outlook for markets' is the natural expression for future market prospects.
- 11. Use investment collocation Original: release their capital to Suggested revision: invest their capital in Why it matters: 'Invest capital in a market' is the correct collocation.
- 12. Remove faulty semicolon Original: market; for fear Suggested revision: market for fear Why it matters: The dependent 'for fear' phrase should not be separated from the main clause by a semicolon.
Suggested Rewrites
- twin trade towers Twin Towers
- New York Stocked Exchange New York Stock Exchange
- was forced to be halted was forced to close
- According to the report by New York Municipality According to a report by the New York City government
- direct or indirect directly and indirectly
- Undoubtedly, 9/11 incident Undoubtedly, the 9/11 attacks
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response identifies several relevant economic effects and extends the discussion to public anxiety and international cooperation, showing a clear attempt to address the full topic. Its impact is weakened by a single overlong body paragraph, loosely connected claims, and frequent inaccurate word combinations that sometimes obscure the intended meaning. Reorganise the discussion by type of influence and express each causal link in simpler, more precise language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response discusses economic, psychological, and international effects, but several claims are insufficiently explained or only loosely connected to the incident's influence.
Develop each non-economic effect with a clear cause-and-result explanation rather than moving quickly between broad assertions.
Coherence and Cohesion
The overall direction is identifiable, but most ideas are compressed into one long paragraph and several transitions do not express the actual relationship between claims.
Use separate paragraphs for economic decline, social effects, and international responses, with accurate logical connectors within each section.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a broad and ambitious vocabulary, but frequent inaccurate word choices and collocations sometimes make meaning difficult to recover.
Prefer precise familiar terms such as stock index, consumer confidence, government spending, and tax cuts over unsuitable approximations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
There is a useful range of complex sentence forms, although article, tense, possessive, punctuation, and clause-control errors occur regularly.
Control sentence boundaries and check articles, possessives, and tense consistency, especially in long sentences containing several causal ideas.