As countries have developed there has been a trend towards smaller family sizes. Why does this happen? How does this affect society?
Sample Response
Ever since the genesis of industrialisation, the world has gone through many paradigm shifts. This is also evident in the fact that average family size is getting smaller. It is argued that rising costs of living and career-oriented thinking are the primary reasons for this trend. These causes and their effects will be analysed in this essay To begin, ever since the industrial revolution, rising cost of living in cities has compelled people to shrink the size of their families due to economic reasons. This has resulted in families spending more time with their offspring, since the number of children, among which parents have to divide their time, has reduced dramatically. For example, a recent study conducted by Save the Children, a not for profit organisation, found that children of the modern era do much better than their earlier counterparts in schools and colleges. This would perhaps not be possible if parents had to spend a large amount of their time nurturing the needs of a higher number of children. Hence, the impact a small family size has on child’s academics is clear. In addition, the advent of technology has removed the need for human intervention in many jobs, as a consequence, now more people have to compete for fewer jobs. Such circumstances have made people more career oriented than they used to be, therefore, starting and expansion of families has moved to the bottom of the pecking order of many people’s priorities. The most evident effect of this on society is an ageing population in many of the western countries in the world. For instance, in Germany, the population growth rate is in negative, which could perhaps mean that the current generation of Germany will not be able to replace their dying forefathers in numbers. Therefore the devastating impact of small families is also evident. As is clear, improved academic performances of children on the one hand and the probable extinction of genes of some, on the other hand, are the two of most prominent impacts of decreasing family sizes. It is thus hoped that people will muse upon greatly before choosing their career paths and starting families.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Separate the sentences Original: essay To begin Suggested revision: essay. To begin Why it matters: A full stop is required before the new sentence and transition.
- 2. Use plural costs Original: rising cost of living Suggested revision: rising costs of living Why it matters: Costs is conventionally plural in this expression.
- 3. Use concise wording Original: shrink the size of their families due to economic reasons Suggested revision: have smaller families for economic reasons Why it matters: The revision removes wordiness while preserving the stated cause.
- 4. Use whom for people Original: among which parents have to divide their time Suggested revision: among whom parents have to divide their time Why it matters: Whom, not which, refers to the children as people.
- 5. Use academic verb Original: do much better Suggested revision: perform much better Why it matters: Perform states the comparison in schools and colleges more precisely.
- 6. Correct the collocation Original: nurturing the needs Suggested revision: meeting the needs Why it matters: People meet needs rather than nurture them.
- 7. Use concise quantity Original: a higher number of children Suggested revision: more children Why it matters: The shorter comparative expresses the same quantity clearly.
- 8. Correct possessive phrasing Original: the impact a small family size has on child’s academics Suggested revision: the effect of smaller families on children's academic performance Why it matters: The revision corrects the missing determiner and uses a natural noun phrase.
- 9. Use parallel forms Original: starting and expansion of families Suggested revision: starting and expanding families Why it matters: The coordinated activities should use parallel gerund forms.
- 10. Correct the expression Original: is in negative Suggested revision: is negative Why it matters: A growth rate is described as negative without the preposition in.
- 11. Use accurate reference Original: dying forefathers in numbers Suggested revision: older generation numerically Why it matters: Forefathers normally refers to distant ancestors rather than the present older generation.
- 12. Add transition comma Original: Therefore the devastating impact Suggested revision: Therefore, the devastating impact Why it matters: The introductory transition should be followed by a comma.
Suggested Rewrites
- essay To begin essay. To begin
- rising cost of living rising costs of living
- shrink the size of their families due to economic reasons have smaller families for economic reasons
- among which parents have to divide their time among whom parents have to divide their time
- do much better perform much better
- nurturing the needs meeting the needs
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response answers both questions and offers a clear range of causes and social effects, with several ideas extended through explanation and examples. Its main limitation is that the presentation is a single dense block and some conclusions, especially about genetic extinction, are exaggerated or insufficiently reasoned. The highest-priority improvement is to organise causes and effects into distinct paragraphs and develop each claim with more precise, credible logic.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
Both causes and societal effects are addressed with a clear central argument, although some claims are overgeneralised or only partly convincing.
Replace exaggerated conclusions with carefully qualified effects and explain the causal link between each trend and its social consequence.
Coherence and Cohesion
The overall sequence from causes to effects is discernible, but the lack of paragraphing and several overlong transitions weaken clarity and progression.
Divide the response into an introduction, separate cause and effect paragraphs, and a conclusion, with one controlling idea in each body paragraph.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and often appropriately academic, but several unnatural collocations and imprecise expressions reduce control.
Use more natural combinations such as negative population growth and academic performance, and avoid inflated expressions whose meaning is uncertain.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied complex structures, but recurring comma splices, article errors, and awkward clause construction reduce accuracy.
Separate independent clauses correctly and proofread articles, agreement, and sentence boundaries before adding further complex structures.
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