All over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. What are the reasons for this rise in obesity? How could it be tackled?
Sample Response
Over the last few years, obesity has become a serious problem. These days, it affects an increasing number of both children and adults. Causes of overweight must be considered and addressed effectively; otherwise, societies will suffer from even greater health problems. This essay will look at the causes of this problem and make some suggestions about how to tackle it. One of the main causes of overweight is the high intake of junk food such as hamburgers, chips, and fried chicken. Many people prefer to have a takeaway meal or pick up a pre-prepared food in the supermarket, which contain high salt and fat, rather than cooking a healthy meal at home. For instance, in the UK, sales of junk food have risen significantly over the last few years. The solution is for the government to increase sales tax on any food that is considered to be unhealthy. This would make consumers decrease their intake of this type of food and start to make the healthy home-made one. People lack the knowledge of food ingredients and their health issues and thus do not make informed decisions while talking foods. Easy access to private cars has reduced the walking and cycling habit of people. The quality and ingredients of quick foods/ fast foods are not strictly monitored by the authority. Another problem is that fewer and fewer persons are doing sports. This is because of the high expenses of registration in a gym. For example, the monthly fees of gyms in the UK are around 40 or 50 pounds, which is very difficult to be afforded by many. To address this, the government could assign more money for sports facilities such as gyms to become more affordable. So that many persons would hopefully do sports and consequently start to lose weight. A third cause of the problem is the sedentary lifestyle many families are living all the time. The high quality of life and having many facilities make our lifestyle lazier. Many families have more than one car and they are using all the cars all the time to go to their destinations, even if it can be reached by bus or on foot. The way forward might be for the government to increase the price of oil and charge owners of private cars for road use. This would make people go to their destinations on foot or by bicycles instead of using their cars. To sum up, obesity becomes an increasingly worrying issue affecting a wide range of age groups. In my view, government, parents and school all have a role to play in tackling the problem. Action must be taken urgently; otherwise, our country will face even more serious problems in health.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. More natural noun phrase Original: Causes of overweight Suggested revision: The causes of obesity Why it matters: 'Overweight' is usually an adjective; 'obesity' is the stronger noun for this task.
- 2. Uncountable noun Original: a pre-prepared food Suggested revision: pre-prepared food Why it matters: 'Food' is usually uncountable here, so remove the article.
- 3. Agreement error Original: which contain high salt and fat Suggested revision: which contains high levels of salt and fat Why it matters: The relative clause refers to 'food', so the verb should be singular and the collocation needs 'levels of'.
- 4. Unnatural reference Original: make the healthy home-made one Suggested revision: prepare healthy home-made meals Why it matters: 'The healthy home-made one' is unclear; name the noun directly.
- 5. Wrong word Original: talking foods Suggested revision: choosing foods Why it matters: This appears to be a word-choice or spelling error and changes the meaning.
- 6. Natural collocation Original: the walking and cycling habit of people Suggested revision: people's habits of walking and cycling Why it matters: The suggested phrase is more idiomatic and precise.
- 7. Plural institution Original: by the authority Suggested revision: by the authorities Why it matters: For government regulators in general, use the plural 'authorities'.
- 8. Use natural plural Original: fewer and fewer persons Suggested revision: fewer and fewer people Why it matters: 'Persons' sounds legal or formal; 'people' is natural in this essay.
- 9. Awkward collocation Original: high expenses of registration in a gym Suggested revision: high gym membership fees Why it matters: This is the standard phrase for the cost of using a gym.
- 10. Passive form Original: which is very difficult to be afforded by many Suggested revision: which many people find difficult to afford Why it matters: The original passive is unnatural and wordy.
- 11. Sentence fragment Original: So that many persons would hopefully do sports Suggested revision: This would encourage many people to do sports Why it matters: 'So that' creates a dependent clause and cannot stand alone as a sentence.
- 12. Parallel structure Original: The high quality of life and having many facilities make our lifestyle lazier Suggested revision: A high standard of living and access to many conveniences make our lifestyles more sedentary Why it matters: The original mixes noun and gerund forms and uses 'lazier' imprecisely.
Suggested Rewrites
- Causes of overweight The causes of obesity
- a pre-prepared food pre-prepared food
- which contain high salt and fat which contains high levels of salt and fat
- make the healthy home-made one prepare healthy home-made meals
- talking foods choosing foods
- the walking and cycling habit of people people's habits of walking and cycling
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response fully addresses both causes and solutions and gives several relevant examples. Development is clear, but some points are listed rather than deeply explained, and the final reference to parents and schools is not developed in the body.
Keep three main cause-solution pairs, but develop each with a clearer causal chain and make sure every actor named in the conclusion has been discussed in the body.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a logical overall structure and progression from diet to exercise to sedentary lifestyles. Cohesion is sometimes mechanical, and several ideas are inserted without smooth linking to the surrounding argument.
Use one focused paragraph per cause-solution pair and add linking sentences that explain how each new point connects to obesity.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is generally adequate and topic-related, with useful phrases such as 'sedentary lifestyle' and 'sports facilities'. However, there are repeated collocation problems and word-choice slips such as 'talking foods' and 'persons'.
Replace unnatural IELTS collocations with standard phrases: 'obesity' or 'being overweight', 'people', 'eating food', 'fast food', and 'authorities'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex sentences is used, and meaning is usually clear. Errors with agreement, articles, fragments, and clause control are frequent enough to limit accuracy.
Edit for subject-verb agreement and sentence boundaries, especially after linking phrases such as 'So that' and in relative clauses after plural nouns.