Some education systems make students focus on certain subjects at the age of 15, while others require students to study a wide range of subjects until they leave school. What are the benefits of each system? Which is better?
Sample Response
Many students are made to attend certain classes when they are 15 years of age, while others are required to learn various subjects before leaving school. Although an education system with a broad range of subjects can provide diverse knowledge, that with a narrower range is better as learners have more time for other activities desired.
Those supporting the former education system may claim that students can access a wider range of knowledge that they may need in their later life. Having a chance to attend many classes, students are taught numerous lessons related to various fields, many of which can be of great help when they grow up. For instance, in Vietnam, students aiming at engineering courses in university are only required to have good grades in Maths and Physics. However, the knowledge they have acquired in non-major classes like English or Computer Science can offer them a competitive edge when they apply for a job in a multinational company, compared to those who are not familiar with foreign languages or computers.
On the other hand, students who study only a few subjects have more time for other purposes than those studying so many. With fewer subjects to learn, they have extra time either for stress relievers such as playing some sport or taking a rest or for further research related to their chosen subjects. The former activity helps students relieve pressure at school and recharge their energy, whereas the latter is a good way of reviewing the lesson taught in class. Scientifically, these activities increase their study efficiency and academic performance, so such an education system is much better than that forcing students to learn various subjects.
In conclusion, although the knowledge learnt in various classes is potentially helpful, I believe that a study program with not so many classes is more beneficial to students who can have more time for deeper study or relaxation.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Name the focus precisely Original: certain classes Suggested revision: selected subjects Why it matters: The prompt contrasts subject ranges, so 'selected subjects' is more precise than 'certain classes'.
- 2. Add clear substitute Original: that Suggested revision: one Why it matters: 'One' is needed as a clear substitute for 'education system'.
- 3. Order modifiers naturally Original: other activities desired Suggested revision: other desired activities Why it matters: The adjective 'desired' should normally precede the noun it modifies.
- 4. Use natural time phrase Original: in their later life Suggested revision: later in life Why it matters: 'Later in life' is the idiomatic expression for this future period.
- 5. Correct institution preposition Original: in Suggested revision: at Why it matters: 'At university' is the natural prepositional phrase for studying there.
- 6. Use precise academic term Original: non-major classes Suggested revision: subjects outside their specialisation Why it matters: This wording clearly refers to subjects beyond the students' intended field.
- 7. Use natural plural Original: playing some sport Suggested revision: playing sports Why it matters: The plural uncountable use 'playing sports' is more natural for a general activity.
- 8. Clarify the reference Original: The former activity Suggested revision: These stress-relieving activities Why it matters: The preceding alternative includes both playing sports and resting, so a plural explicit reference is clearer.
- 9. Complete relative clause Original: that forcing students Suggested revision: one that forces students Why it matters: The comparison requires a substitute noun and a finite relative-clause verb.
- 10. Use concise comparison Original: not so many classes Suggested revision: fewer subjects Why it matters: 'Fewer subjects' expresses the contrast directly and matches the essay's terminology.
- 11. Show cause clearly Original: students who can have more time Suggested revision: students because it gives them more time Why it matters: The revision makes the additional time a benefit caused by the programme rather than a defining trait of the students.
Suggested Rewrites
- certain classes selected subjects
- that one
- other activities desired other desired activities
- in their later life later in life
- in at
- non-major classes subjects outside their specialisation
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response directly answers both questions, sustains a clear preference, and develops each system's benefit through well-organised explanation and a relevant example. Its main limitation is occasional awkward or imprecise phrasing, especially in comparisons and references to subjects or activities, with a few compressed structures affecting naturalness. Refine collocations and sentence phrasing while preserving the strong development and progression.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both systems' benefits are fully addressed, the preferred system is consistently identified, and the ideas are well developed with relevant support.
Strengthen the case further by qualifying the broad claim that the narrower curriculum is universally more efficient.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses logically through a clear introduction, two focused body paragraphs, and a conclusion, with cohesive devices used effectively.
Make a few references more explicit so terms such as former and latter cannot momentarily slow the reader.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and generally precise, with effective academic phrasing despite occasional awkward choices such as activities desired and stress relievers.
Replace the few unnatural combinations with idiomatic alternatives and use more exact language when comparing curricula.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is handled with strong control, although a few compressed comparative constructions are awkward or incomplete.
Revise elliptical phrases such as that with a narrower range and that forcing students into fully natural comparative clauses.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some education systems make students focus on certain subjects at the age of 15, while others require students to study a wide range of subjects until they leave school. What are the benefits of each system? Which is better?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.