Write about the following topic The increase in people’s life expectancy means that they have to work until an older age to pay for their retirement. One alternative is that people start to work at a younger age. Is this alternative a positive or negative development?
Sample Response
Over the past few decades, people have become used to the idea that they will have to devote a larger proportion of their life to work, and some of them even continue to work after the legal age of retirement. The fact is that as human life expectancy increases, only a few jobs can ensure that people have a comfortable retirement. Therefore, many people are choosing to enter the workforce much earlier than before, and in my opinion, this is a negative development.
I agree that starting to work at a young age is advantageous for young people, but they should only consider this as a way of gaining experience. Having a job while studying with the aim of saving money to enjoy retirement is both unrealistic and counter-productive. For one, most part-time jobs students can do, like bartending or tutoring, only offer quite low salaries, certainly not enough to contribute to their retirement. Also, many high paying jobs, such as lawyers or doctors, require a qualification that can take up to 6 years to get, and therefore are not possible for young people to do at a young age.
On the other hand, people nowadays are still fit to continue working well into their sixties or even seventies. I believe working keeps people not only mentally but also physically healthy, which is extremely important for the elderly. For example, my grandfather admits that he felt so bored and unhealthy after retirement that he had to set up a workshop near his house and has been working there ever since. This example also suggests that people should not consider working at a younger age as a way to save money for retirement.
In conclusion, I understand there are reasons for young people to start their working lives earlier than the generations of their parents or grandparents. However, working after the retirement age is a way to enjoy a longer life expectancy, and therefore there is no obligation to have a job and save money from an earlier age.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use plural lives Original: life Suggested revision: lives Why it matters: The plural possessive subject people requires lives in this general statement.
- 2. Use concise retirement phrase Original: saving money to enjoy retirement Suggested revision: saving for retirement Why it matters: Saving for retirement expresses the intended purpose more directly and naturally.
- 3. Improve job phrasing Original: most part-time jobs students can do Suggested revision: most part-time jobs available to students Why it matters: Available to students is a more concise and formal way to describe these jobs.
- 4. Use precise wage phrase Original: quite low salaries Suggested revision: relatively low wages Why it matters: Relatively low wages is more precise for comparing pay from part-time work.
- 5. Use formal wording Original: up to 6 years to get Suggested revision: up to six years to obtain Why it matters: Obtain is more appropriate than get in formal academic prose, and small numbers are conventionally written as words.
- 6. Correct job construction Original: and therefore are not possible for young people to do Suggested revision: and are therefore unavailable to young people Why it matters: Jobs are available or unavailable rather than possible or impossible to do.
- 7. Add clause marker Original: I believe working keeps people Suggested revision: I believe that working keeps people Why it matters: That clearly introduces the clause following the reporting verb believe.
- 8. Use natural age phrase Original: working after the retirement age Suggested revision: working beyond retirement age Why it matters: Beyond retirement age is the more concise and natural expression.
- 9. Correct life expectancy collocation Original: a way to enjoy a longer life expectancy Suggested revision: a way to make the most of a longer life expectancy Why it matters: People can make the most of longer lives, whereas enjoy does not collocate naturally with life expectancy here.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: The fact is that as human life expectancy increases, only a few jobs can ensure that people have a comfortable retirement. Suggested revision: The fact is that, as life expectancy increases, only a few types of employment can provide enough financial security for a comfortable retirement. Why it matters: The rewrite clarifies the intended link between employment and retirement security.
Suggested Rewrites
- life lives
- saving money to enjoy retirement saving for retirement
- most part-time jobs students can do most part-time jobs available to students
- quite low salaries relatively low wages
- up to 6 years to get up to six years to obtain
- and therefore are not possible for young people to do and are therefore unavailable to young people
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response presents a clear negative position and supports it with well-developed, relevant reasoning about low student earnings, professional qualifications, and the viability of working later in life. Organisation and language control are strong, though a few claims and word choices could be made more precise. The highest priority is to sharpen the link between each supporting point and why starting work earlier is specifically a negative development.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response directly answers the question with a clear position and develops relevant reasons and an effective personal example.
Make the negative consequences of starting work early more explicit, rather than relying partly on the advantages of working later.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through a clear introduction, focused body paragraphs, and a consistent conclusion, with cohesive devices used effectively.
Refine the transition into the second body paragraph so its role as an alternative to early employment is immediately explicit.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is flexible and precise across the topic, with only occasional slightly awkward wording or repetition.
Polish a few expressions about retirement and longer life expectancy to make the final claims more idiomatic and exact.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is handled accurately, and the few minor lapses do not impede communication.
Review punctuation and phrasing in the longest sentences to sustain the same high level of control throughout.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Write about the following topic The increase in people’s life expectancy means that they have to work until an older age to pay for their retirement. One alternative is that people start to work at a younger age. Is this alternative a positive or negative development?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.