Students leave high school without learning the way how to manage their money. What are the reasons and solutions of this issue?
Sample Response
There is a common problem among high school graduates these days where students are leaving school without any knowledge or skill in personal money management. This essay will outline a number of reasons for this trend and a number of possible solutions to help tackle the issue.
Firstly, one of the main causes of this problem is that the majority of high school students live with their parents and are completely financially dependent upon them. Most students do not need to work to earn money while at high school, as their parents pay for all their needs, and therefore do not gain any understanding about the realities of earning and saving money. Usually, the only money that students receive is from their parents and this is typically in the form of pocket-money, which is given with the intent of it being spent. Therefore, young people only really learn how to spend money, and not how to earn, save or manage it wisely.
However, there are a number of viable solutions to help students deal with this problem. Firstly, basic money management skills could be included as a compulsory subject for students in their high school years, which would help equip them with the knowledge and skills to manage their own personal finances when they leave school, move out of home and enter employment. The second possible step that could be taken to help curb this problem is through education at home. Parents need to take responsibility to make sure that their children are adequately educated in such matters to ensure their children maintain a successful and independent financial situation after graduating and leaving home.
In conclusion, although money management is a problem for a lot of school leavers, there are a number of viable solutions to counteract this problem.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use a precise relative Original: where students are leaving school Suggested revision: in which students leave school Why it matters: A problem is more precisely referred to with “in which,” and the simple present suits a general trend.
- 2. Remove redundant wording Original: possible solutions to help tackle Suggested revision: possible solutions to tackle Why it matters: A solution already implies help, so the shorter phrase is more concise.
- 3. Correct the preposition Original: about Suggested revision: of Why it matters: The noun “understanding” takes “of” before the subject being understood.
- 4. Clarify the construction Original: given with the intent of it being spent Suggested revision: given with the intention that it be spent Why it matters: The revised clause expresses the intended purpose more naturally.
- 5. Use a precise verb Original: deal with this problem Suggested revision: address this problem Why it matters: “Address” more precisely describes taking action on the underlying problem.
- 6. Correct the verb pattern Original: take responsibility to make sure Suggested revision: take responsibility for ensuring Why it matters: “Take responsibility” is followed by “for” and a gerund in this construction.
- 7. Use concrete wording Original: adequately educated in such matters Suggested revision: adequately taught these skills Why it matters: The revision identifies the practical skills more directly than the vague phrase “such matters.”
- 8. Improve the collocation Original: successful and independent financial situation Suggested revision: financial independence Why it matters: “Financial independence” is the natural concise expression for the intended outcome.
- 9. Choose a natural verb Original: counteract Suggested revision: address Why it matters: Problems are normally “addressed,” whereas “counteract” is less natural with this noun.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: Firstly, basic money management skills could be included as a compulsory subject for students in their high school years, which would help equip them with the knowledge and skills to manage their own personal finances when they leave school, move out of home and enter employment. Suggested revision: Firstly, basic money-management skills could be taught as a compulsory high-school subject, equipping students to manage their personal finances after leaving school, moving out of home and entering employment. Why it matters: This revision makes the skills the content of a subject and reduces repetition while preserving the proposed solution.
Suggested Rewrites
- where students are leaving school in which students leave school
- possible solutions to help tackle possible solutions to tackle
- about of
- given with the intent of it being spent given with the intention that it be spent
- deal with this problem address this problem
- take responsibility to make sure take responsibility for ensuring
Why this response received Band 7.5
The response is strongest in its clear explanation of financial dependence and its practical school- and home-based solutions. Its main limitation is the narrow treatment of causes, since parental support is essentially the only reason explored, while some points are repeated rather than extended. The highest-priority improvement is to develop a second distinct cause with a specific consequence or example and connect it explicitly to an appropriate solution.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses both causes and solutions with relevant, well-explained ideas, although the causes side is limited to one central reason.
Develop a second distinct reason for students' weak financial skills and show how a corresponding solution would address it.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress clearly through a logical introduction, cause paragraph, solution paragraph, and conclusion, with generally smooth cohesion.
Refine transitions such as the shift introduced by 'However' so that they express the precise relationship between sections.
Lexical Resource
A sufficiently wide and mostly precise vocabulary supports the discussion, including effective financial and educational language, despite some repetition and awkward phrasing.
Vary repeated words such as 'students,' 'problem,' and 'money' while choosing more natural collocations throughout.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex sentence structures is used accurately, and the few minor weaknesses do not impede meaning.
Polish occasional preposition and clause choices to make already accurate complex sentences more idiomatic and concise.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Students leave high school without learning the way how to manage their money. What are the reasons and solutions of this issue?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.