Every year an increasing number of students choose to go to another country for their higher education. Do you think the benefits of this development outweigh the problems associated with it?
Sample Response
The past twenty years have seen a dramatic change of the number of students who go abroad to begin college in China. In this essay, I will explore the advantages and disadvantages of this trend.
On the other hand, there are disadvantages too. Firstly, it costs people a lot of money to begin college in foreign countries. Many families have to take out all their savings to support their children to go abroad. Secondly, some students cannot stand the big difference of the new environment, they maybe quit their study and come back home.
To conclude, given the undisputable fact that to begin college in foreign countries helps students with their studies and promotes the mutual understanding between countries, even if there are some drawbacks, I think the benefits outweigh the problems.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix noun preposition Original: of Suggested revision: in Why it matters: The noun ‘change’ takes ‘in’ when referring to a quantity that varies.
- 2. Use suitable transition Original: On the other hand Suggested revision: However Why it matters: ‘On the other hand’ normally contrasts with a previously developed opposing point, which is absent here.
- 3. Place adverb naturally Original: disadvantages too Suggested revision: also disadvantages Why it matters: ‘There are also disadvantages’ is the more natural adverb position in formal writing.
- 4. Use academic collocation Original: money to begin college in foreign countries Suggested revision: money to study at universities abroad Why it matters: The revised phrase is a more natural way to describe overseas higher education.
- 5. Choose correct money verb Original: take out all their savings Suggested revision: use all their savings Why it matters: ‘Take out savings’ means withdraw them, whereas the sentence means spend or use them for support.
- 6. Fix complement structure Original: support their children to go abroad Suggested revision: support their children's studies abroad Why it matters: The possessive noun phrase gives ‘support’ a natural and grammatical object.
- 7. Use standard word form Original: undisputable Suggested revision: indisputable Why it matters: ‘Indisputable’ is the standard adjective meaning impossible to dispute.
- 8. Use gerund subject Original: that to begin college in foreign countries helps Suggested revision: that studying abroad helps Why it matters: A gerund phrase forms a natural subject after ‘the fact that’.
- 9. Remove unnecessary article Original: the mutual understanding Suggested revision: mutual understanding Why it matters: The abstract noun phrase is used generally here and does not take ‘the’.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: Secondly, some students cannot stand the big difference of the new environment, they maybe quit their study and come back home. Suggested revision: Secondly, some students cannot cope with major differences in the new environment, so they may quit their studies and return home. Why it matters: The rewrite fixes the comma splice, modal form, number, and awkward collocations while preserving the claim.
Suggested Rewrites
- of in
- On the other hand However
- disadvantages too also disadvantages
- money to begin college in foreign countries money to study at universities abroad
- take out all their savings use all their savings
- support their children to go abroad support their children's studies abroad
Why this response received Band 5.0
The response states a clear final position and gives two understandable disadvantages, using some appropriately formal vocabulary. However, at only 132 words it omits any developed discussion of the claimed benefits, so the comparison required by the question is largely unsupported. The priority is to add a full benefits paragraph, develop both sides with reasons or examples, and explicitly compare their relative importance.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear opinion is stated, but the response is substantially under length and develops only disadvantages while merely asserting the benefits in the conclusion.
Develop at least one substantial advantage and compare it directly with the financial and adaptation problems before reaching the final judgement.
Coherence and Cohesion
The short response has recognisable paragraphing and basic sequencing, but 'On the other hand' lacks a preceding contrasting argument and progression is incomplete.
Use a complete four-paragraph progression in which each body paragraph develops one side and the conclusion follows from that comparison.
Lexical Resource
There is some useful topic vocabulary, but the limited response and awkward combinations such as 'change of the number' restrict flexibility and precision.
Expand the range of accurate education-related collocations and replace unnatural phrases with forms such as 'increase in the number' and 'study abroad.'
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Simple and some complex structures communicate the main meaning, though agreement, word-form, punctuation, and sentence-boundary errors occur noticeably.
Review clause boundaries and verb forms, especially comma splices and constructions such as 'they may quit their studies.'
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Every year an increasing number of students choose to go to another country for their higher education. Do you think the benefits of this development outweigh the problems associated with it?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.