Some people believe that success is about hard work and determination. Others think that success has a connection with money and personal appearance. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
Success is a concept that elicits varying perspectives among individuals. While some contend that success is the result of hard work and determination, others believe that it is intrinsically linked to monetary wealth and outward appearance. In this essay, I will discuss both perspectives. However, personally, I am convinced that success stems from hard work and perseverance.
On the one hand, there exists a notion in society that success is synonymous with material wealth and physical appearance and they are the key ingredients for achieving success. This perspective posits that financial affluence and an appealing appearance are paramount in achieving success. Monetary wealth ensures better education and greater societal links which often help people reach the top of the success ladder. For instance, students from wealthy families are often ahead of their poor counterparts. This exemplifies how health and beauty can help people achieve success.
On the other hand, an opposing viewpoint asserts that genuine success is derived from dedication and perseverance. This school of thought believes that success is a culmination of relentless effort, determination, and resilience in the face of challenges. Individuals who exemplify this belief emphasize the importance of hard work, setting goals, and consistent effort in achieving success. They argue that those who work diligently towards their aspirations, despite obstacles, ultimately achieve success. For instance, according to many Ivy League universities, seven out of ten scholarships are achieved by students from less fortunate families. This exemplifies that poor students are often ahead in the competition to achieve success.
Personally, I subscribe to the belief that success is primarily about hard work and determination. True success is not merely achieved by material wealth or physical appearance but by the dedication, perseverance, and resilience exhibited in pursuit of one's goals. Hard work is the cornerstone of achievement, driving individuals towards their objectives and fostering a sense of fulfilment.
In conclusion, while societal notions of success may be multifaceted, I firmly advocate for the view that genuine success is fundamentally tied to hard work and determination rather than financial wealth or external appearances.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove redundant transition Original: However, personally, Suggested revision: Personally, Why it matters: The opinion does not contradict the promise to discuss both views, so However is unnecessary.
- 2. Improve the collocation Original: paramount in achieving success Suggested revision: essential for achieving success Why it matters: Essential for is a more natural collocation for factors presented as necessary.
- 3. Use natural collocation Original: societal links Suggested revision: social connections Why it matters: Social connections is the conventional term for helpful relationships between people.
- 4. Use neutral comparison Original: their poor counterparts Suggested revision: their less wealthy counterparts Why it matters: The replacement identifies the economic contrast more precisely and neutrally.
- 5. Correct inconsistent word Original: health and beauty Suggested revision: wealth and beauty Why it matters: Health contradicts the paragraph's stated focus on financial affluence and appears to be a word-choice error.
- 6. Clarify the group Original: Individuals who exemplify this belief Suggested revision: Supporters of this view Why it matters: The replacement directly identifies people who hold the stated viewpoint.
- 7. Make the list parallel Original: hard work, setting goals, and consistent effort Suggested revision: hard work, clear goals, and consistent effort Why it matters: Using three noun phrases creates a parallel grammatical list.
- 8. Correct scholarship collocation Original: scholarships are achieved by Suggested revision: scholarships are awarded to Why it matters: Scholarships are awarded to recipients rather than achieved by them.
- 9. Use precise wording Original: poor students Suggested revision: students from less affluent families Why it matters: The replacement states the intended economic comparison more precisely.
- 10. Clarify the comparison Original: ahead in the competition to achieve success Suggested revision: more successful in this competition Why it matters: The original combination is awkward, while the replacement preserves the comparative claim.
- 11. Correct adverb placement Original: not merely achieved by material wealth Suggested revision: not achieved merely through material wealth Why it matters: The revised placement and preposition clearly express that wealth is not the means of genuine success.
- 12. Sentence rewrite Original: On the one hand, there exists a notion in society that success is synonymous with material wealth and physical appearance and they are the key ingredients for achieving success. Suggested revision: On the one hand, some people believe that material wealth and physical appearance are the key ingredients for achieving success. Why it matters: The rewrite removes the faulty pronoun reference and redundant clauses while preserving the stated view.
Suggested Rewrites
- However, personally, Personally,
- paramount in achieving success essential for achieving success
- societal links social connections
- their poor counterparts their less wealthy counterparts
- health and beauty wealth and beauty
- Individuals who exemplify this belief Supporters of this view
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response is strongest in its clear organisation, consistent position, and well-developed explanation of perseverance as a route to achievement. Its main limitation is that the role of personal appearance is largely asserted rather than explained, one sentence confuses wealth with health, and the scholarship statistic is presented without credible context. The highest-priority improvement is to develop each part of the opposing view with a plausible mechanism and reliable example before comparing it directly with the value of sustained effort.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
Both perspectives and a clear opinion are presented, but the appearance component is underdeveloped and some supporting examples are insufficiently credible or precise.
Explain separately how money and appearance might create opportunities, then compare those advantages with how effort produces lasting success.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses logically through the two views, the writer’s opinion, and the conclusion, with clear paragraph focus and effective cohesion.
Reduce slight repetition between the opinion paragraph and conclusion by using the former for direct comparison and the latter only for synthesis.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied, precise, and appropriately academic, with strong control of abstract language about achievement, resilience, and social advantage.
Proofread for isolated lexical slips, particularly the accidental substitution of “health” for “wealth,” and avoid repeating key terms unnecessarily.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used accurately and flexibly, with only rare minor lapses that do not affect communication.
Refine the coordination in the first body paragraph so pronoun reference and the relationship between material wealth and appearance remain fully clear.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people believe that success is about hard work and determination. Others think that success has a connection with money and personal appearance. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.