For schoolchildren, their teachers have more influence on their intelligence and social devel opment than their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Both teachers and parents play a significant role in a child’s upbringing. In this essay, I will discuss why I disagree that teachers are a greater influence on the intelligence and social development of children than their parents.
The first few years of a child’s life are spent almost entirely in the company of their parental figures. These years are critical in the social development of a child, as they contain their first attempts to communicate with other people in order to receive the care and attention necessary for survival. Most school children start their education between the ages of four to seven years. Therefore, they have already experienced a considerable amount of parental influence before teachers are even introduced to them.
Other significant factors in the intelligence and social development of a child are the socioeconomic circumstances that they are brought up in. The quality of a child’s social life, schooling and health are all socioeconomic factors that heavily influence a child. These factors are a direct consequence of the circumstances brought about by the child’s parents. Better teachers will endow a child with greater intelligence and social skills, however, better teachers are, on average, found at better schools. The attendance of a child at a good school is usually the consequence of a decision made by their parents.
I believe that parents are a far greater influence on the intelligence and social development of children than teachers because, firstly, the early developmental years of a child’s life are almost entirely influenced by the company of their parents and, secondly, because the socioeconomic factors of a child’s life are usually a direct consequence of the factors which effect their parents.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural wording Original: in the company of their parental figures Suggested revision: in the care of their parents Why it matters: The revision describes the early caregiving relationship more naturally and directly.
- 2. Improve verb choice Original: contain Suggested revision: include Why it matters: Include is the more natural verb for events occurring within a period of time.
- 3. Make purpose concise Original: in order to receive Suggested revision: to receive Why it matters: The infinitive alone expresses purpose clearly and more concisely.
- 4. Use concise phrasing Original: a considerable amount of parental influence Suggested revision: considerable parental influence Why it matters: The shorter noun phrase conveys the same degree without unnecessary wording.
- 5. Correct paired prepositions Original: between the ages of four to seven years Suggested revision: between the ages of four and seven Why it matters: Between pairs with and, and years is redundant after ages.
- 6. Use natural expression Original: before teachers are even introduced to them Suggested revision: before they even meet their teachers Why it matters: The active wording describes the relationship more naturally while preserving the timing.
- 7. Use formal relative clause Original: circumstances that they are brought up in Suggested revision: circumstances in which they are brought up Why it matters: The revised relative clause is clearer and more appropriate for formal writing.
- 8. Fix comma splice Original: skills, however, better Suggested revision: skills; however, better Why it matters: A semicolon is required before however when it joins two independent clauses.
- 9. Use concise possessive Original: The attendance of a child at a good school Suggested revision: A child's attendance at a good school Why it matters: The possessive construction is more concise and natural.
- 10. Clarify parental influence Original: the company of their parents Suggested revision: their parents' care Why it matters: The revision expresses the intended source of early influence more precisely.
- 11. Correct word and reference Original: the factors which effect their parents Suggested revision: the circumstances that affect their parents Why it matters: Affect is the required verb, and circumstances avoids the unclear repetition of factors.
- 12. Sentence rewrite Original: The quality of a child’s social life, schooling and health are all socioeconomic factors that heavily influence a child. Suggested revision: A child’s social life, schooling and health are all strongly influenced by socioeconomic circumstances. Why it matters: The rewrite corrects the illogical classification of these aspects as socioeconomic factors while retaining the paragraph's intended relationship.
Suggested Rewrites
- in the company of their parental figures in the care of their parents
- contain include
- in order to receive to receive
- a considerable amount of parental influence considerable parental influence
- between the ages of four to seven years between the ages of four and seven
- before teachers are even introduced to them before they even meet their teachers
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response’s strongest feature is a clear, consistent disagreement supported by a logical account of early parental influence and socioeconomic circumstances. Its main limitation is that the link between those circumstances and children’s intelligence is sometimes asserted rather than fully demonstrated, while some wording is repetitive. The highest-priority improvement is to explain that causal link with a concrete example and reduce repeated terms.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The essay maintains a clear disagreement and develops two relevant reasons, though the second reason’s connection to intelligence is not always fully explained.
Show more explicitly, preferably through a concrete example, how parental socioeconomic circumstances shape a child’s intellectual development.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response follows a clear progression from early parental influence to socioeconomic influence and ends with a concise restatement of the position.
Improve the internal flow of the second body paragraph by making each step in the cause-and-effect chain more explicit.
Lexical Resource
The essay demonstrates a good range of topic-appropriate vocabulary, but repeated words such as child, influence, factors, and consequence reduce flexibility.
Vary repeated key terms carefully and replace awkward choices such as endow a child with greater intelligence with more natural academic phrasing.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A variety of complex sentences is handled with generally good control, although a few punctuation and form errors remain noticeable.
Correct structures such as between four and seven, avoid joining independent clauses with a comma before however, and distinguish affect from effect.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
For schoolchildren, their teachers have more influence on their intelligence and social devel opment than their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.