Some educators believe that every child should be taught how to play a musical instrument. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Many teachers feel that learning to play a musical instrument is an indispensable part of a student’s education. In my opinion, there are socioeconomic concerns with this tenet but it is still advisable overall.
Detractors can easily argue not every child has access to the supportive environment required to learn an instrument. Firstly, a family might not have enough money if a child wants to learn piano or buy a quality guitar. There are also related expenses that include the fees for private lessons and other equipment. Added to this, they will need their parents to have enough time to drive them to and from rehearsals and recitals. At home, the entire family will have to listen to them practice and this could be contentious if there are a lot of people living in one home or a child shares their room with siblings or relatives. All these factors affect underprivileged children and place them at a decided disadvantage.
Nonetheless, the above issues can be mitigated with more funding for schools and the developmental benefits of music outweigh all other concerns. Research has shown that in early development, physical changes take place in the brains of both children and adolescents. Some of these relate to music and children who take up an instrument, even if they quit later, have demonstrated improved cognitive flexibility and creativity in longitudinal studies across a variety of cultural backgrounds. Apart from the scientific grounding, it also common sense that children will feel more fulfilled and derive a lot of joy from playing music. This can provide a boost to not only academics but also their long-term mental well-being.
In conclusion, though policymakers will have to account for accessibility issues, learning an instrument is key for neurodevelopment. Schools, parents, and teachers should work together to ensure the best chances of success.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use a clearer phrase Original: concerns with this tenet Suggested revision: concerns about this proposal Why it matters: Proposal refers more clearly to the suggested policy, while concerns about is the natural collocation.
- 2. Clarify the reference Original: it is still advisable overall Suggested revision: teaching every child an instrument is still advisable overall Why it matters: Replacing the vague pronoun makes the writer's position immediately clear.
- 3. Add the reporting link Original: argue not every child Suggested revision: argue that not every child Why it matters: The reporting verb needs that before the following clause here.
- 4. Add the article Original: learn piano Suggested revision: learn the piano Why it matters: The definite article is conventionally used when referring to learning a musical instrument.
- 5. Streamline the example Original: related expenses that include the fees Suggested revision: related expenses, including fees Why it matters: The participial phrase introduces examples of expenses more concisely.
- 6. Use a natural linker Original: Added to this Suggested revision: In addition Why it matters: In addition is the more natural transition for adding another practical requirement.
- 7. State the effect clearly Original: this could be contentious Suggested revision: this could cause tension Why it matters: The revision clearly identifies the possible effect on the household.
- 8. Improve the collocation Original: decided Suggested revision: distinct Why it matters: Distinct disadvantage is the more natural collocation in this context.
- 9. Separate independent clauses Original: schools and the developmental Suggested revision: schools, and the developmental Why it matters: A comma is needed before and because it joins two independent clauses.
- 10. Use academic wording Original: Apart from the scientific grounding Suggested revision: Beyond the scientific evidence Why it matters: Scientific evidence is clearer and more idiomatic than scientific grounding here.
- 11. Add the missing verb Original: it also common sense Suggested revision: it is also common sense Why it matters: The clause requires the linking verb is.
- 12. Sentence rewrite Original: This can provide a boost to not only academics but also their long-term mental well-being. Suggested revision: This can boost not only children's academic performance but also their long-term mental well-being. Why it matters: The rewrite restores parallel structure and makes the possessive reference explicit.
Suggested Rewrites
- concerns with this tenet concerns about this proposal
- it is still advisable overall teaching every child an instrument is still advisable overall
- argue not every child argue that not every child
- learn piano learn the piano
- related expenses that include the fees related expenses, including fees
- Added to this In addition
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response is strongest in its nuanced, well-developed position: it acknowledges genuine access barriers while persuasively explaining why musical education remains worthwhile. The main limitation is occasional awkward or imprecise language, including a missing verb and a few strained collocations, which slightly weakens an otherwise polished argument. The highest-priority improvement is to proofread for natural phrasing and small grammatical omissions while preserving the essay's clear line of reasoning.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response presents a clear qualified agreement and develops both the accessibility concern and the developmental case in substantial, relevant detail.
Strengthen the conclusion by restating more explicitly why the benefits justify teaching every child despite the acknowledged practical barriers.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument is logically sequenced, paragraphs have clear functions, and cohesive devices guide the reader smoothly through the qualification and rebuttal.
Tighten a few long explanatory sequences so that each supporting point advances the central argument as efficiently as possible.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide, flexible, and often precise, although a few choices such as “tenet” and “scientific grounding” sound slightly strained in context.
Prefer natural academic collocations over unusually elevated choices when the simpler expression conveys the intended meaning more precisely.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex sentence forms are varied and generally well controlled, with only rare slips such as the missing verb in “it also common sense.”
Proofread specifically for omitted function words and verbs so that isolated small errors do not interrupt otherwise fluent sentences.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some educators believe that every child should be taught how to play a musical instrument. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.