Very few school children learn about the value of money and how to look after it, yet this is a critical life skill that should be taught as a part of the school curriculum. Do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Schools usually deal with different academic subjects while overlook teaching money management skills. This is why many students, who do well in school, struggle while taking care of their finances in real life. Academic studies and financial intelligence cannot be seen as inherent contradictions but as two mutually independent competencies. So, I believe that the value of money and money management should be taught in schools. The author of the book “Rich Dad Poor Dad” terms Financial Independence as you being able to make your money work for you and not the other way around. Students who get to learn about how to spend, invest and save money rarely find themselves in financial predicaments despite what their salaries bring in. Such skills are often inculcated through family and teachers. And students, who lack these skills, usually find themselves with insufficient funds no matter how much their jobs pay them. They never learn to develop their assets. It renders them dependents on their jobs for life as it is their only source of income. The earnings are mostly spent on their liabilities leaving them with paltry savings. If money management is taught as a part of the school curriculum, all the students will get a chance to learn such skills. They will grow up to have more knowledge of money and finance. Consecutively, they will have a better perspective while making financial decisions. This will lead to a more stable, enriched and self-reliant society. Lessons learned in schools last for a long and that is why teaching money management to students is so vital. To conclude, earning money may not be the goal in life but it is the money that provides us with our basic needs and a sense of security. Learning the skills to value and handle money is a crucial part of life. Thus, I believe that lessons for financial management should be made a part of the school curriculum so that more and more students can have a financially stable future.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use gerund after while Original: while overlook teaching Suggested revision: while overlooking the teaching of Why it matters: The reduced clause after “while” requires an -ing form and a clearer noun phrase.
- 2. Use infinitive complement Original: struggle while taking care of Suggested revision: struggle to take care of Why it matters: “Struggle” is normally followed by a to-infinitive when describing a difficult action.
- 3. Correct verb pattern Original: terms Financial Independence as Suggested revision: defines financial independence as Why it matters: “Define X as” is the appropriate collocation, and the general concept does not need capitals.
- 4. Clarify salary contrast Original: despite what their salaries bring in Suggested revision: regardless of how much they earn Why it matters: The original phrase is awkward and does not express the contrast clearly.
- 5. Use agent preposition Original: through family and teachers Suggested revision: by families and teachers Why it matters: The passive verb “are inculcated” takes “by” to identify the people teaching the skills.
- 6. Remove restrictive commas Original: students, who lack these skills, Suggested revision: students who lack these skills Why it matters: The relative clause identifies which students are meant, so it should not be enclosed by commas.
- 7. Use adjective complement Original: renders them dependents Suggested revision: renders them dependent Why it matters: “Render” takes the adjective “dependent” here, not the plural noun “dependents.”
- 8. Clarify the reference Original: The earnings are mostly spent Suggested revision: Their earnings are mostly spent Why it matters: The possessive determiner clearly links the earnings to the students being discussed.
- 9. Use result connector Original: Consecutively Suggested revision: Consequently Why it matters: “Consequently” expresses a result, whereas “consecutively” means in an uninterrupted sequence.
- 10. Use precise decision phrase Original: have a better perspective while making financial decisions Suggested revision: make better-informed financial decisions Why it matters: The revision expresses the intended benefit more directly and naturally.
- 11. Complete time expression Original: last for a long Suggested revision: last for a long time Why it matters: The duration phrase requires the noun “time” after “a long.”
- 12. Use concise modifier Original: different academic subjects Suggested revision: various academic subjects Why it matters: “Various” expresses the range of subjects more concisely than “different.”
Suggested Rewrites
- while overlook teaching while overlooking the teaching of
- struggle while taking care of struggle to take care of
- terms Financial Independence as defines financial independence as
- despite what their salaries bring in regardless of how much they earn
- through family and teachers by families and teachers
- students, who lack these skills, students who lack these skills
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response presents a clear, consistent position and supports it with a logical explanation of how financial education could benefit individuals and society. Its main weakness is presentation: the entire discussion forms one paragraph, while several claims remain general and a few awkward grammatical and lexical choices reduce precision. Prioritise clear paragraph divisions and develop each reason with a specific, credible example.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
A clear position is maintained and relevant benefits are explained, although support is sometimes general or repetitive.
Develop each main reason with a concrete example showing how school-based financial education changes later decisions.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically and linking is generally clear, but the response is presented as one undivided paragraph.
Separate the introduction, main arguments, and conclusion into purposeful paragraphs with distinct central ideas.
Lexical Resource
A good range of topic vocabulary conveys precise ideas, despite several awkward collocations and some repetition.
Refine word combinations such as those concerning salaries, dependence, and long-lasting lessons for more natural expression.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Varied sentence structures communicate meaning clearly, but recurring errors in verb forms, complements, and noun forms reduce control.
Proofread complex sentences for accurate verb patterns and forms, particularly constructions such as while plus a verb and render plus an object.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
Very few school children learn about the value of money and how to look after it, yet this is a critical life skill that should be taught as a part of the school curriculum. Do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.