Some Educationalists Say That Every Child Should Be Taught How to Play a Musical Instrument. To What Extent Do You Agree or Disagree?
Sample Response
The paradigm shift has made it mandatory for the children to be updated with the latest technology to get good grades. So, children have a very hectic schedule and they have no time to entertain themselves. I agree with the statement that teaching musical instruments is a good option as they can feel stress-free from their routine and it helps in building aesthetic sense in them.
To commence with, due to cut-throat competition, children feel suffocated and have become bookworms and are highly expected to get higher grades in their studies. This thing has made them depressed. If they are taught to play any musical equipment: guitar, violin, or piano; then, they can remain stress-free and feel more jubilant. They will exhibit outstanding performance not only in their academic programs but also in the entertainment industry. To exemplify, introducing musical instruments in their curriculum would help a lot. They can kill two birds with one stone. They are able to reduce their stress as well as can build their career in this field. The epitome of it can be seen on the television that how the little champs are awarded the title of great musicians or singers.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix number agreement Original: a very hectic schedule Suggested revision: very hectic schedules Why it matters: The plural subject “children” requires a plural complement here.
- 2. Use natural wording Original: they have no time to entertain themselves Suggested revision: have little time to relax Why it matters: “Relax” expresses the intended relief from a busy schedule more naturally.
- 3. Clarify the activity Original: teaching musical instruments Suggested revision: teaching children to play musical instruments Why it matters: The original wording incorrectly makes the instruments sound like the recipients of teaching.
- 4. Fix stress collocation Original: feel stress-free from their routine Suggested revision: gain relief from their routines Why it matters: “Stress-free from” is not the natural collocation for relief from routine pressure.
- 5. Improve the collocation Original: building aesthetic sense in them Suggested revision: developing their aesthetic sense Why it matters: English normally uses “develop” with “aesthetic sense,” and the possessive makes the reference clear.
- 6. Express pressure clearly Original: highly expected to get higher grades Suggested revision: under intense pressure to achieve higher grades Why it matters: The original phrase is an unnatural way to describe strong expectations placed on children.
- 7. Use a clear reference Original: thing Suggested revision: pressure Why it matters: Naming the preceding pressure creates a clearer link between the sentences.
- 8. Choose the precise noun Original: equipment Suggested revision: instrument Why it matters: A guitar, violin, or piano is a musical instrument rather than musical equipment.
- 9. Fix parallel structure Original: as well as can build Suggested revision: and build Why it matters: The two coordinated verbs should share the modal “can” and use parallel base forms.
- 10. Use precise wording Original: a good option Suggested revision: a beneficial approach Why it matters: The revision conveys the positive evaluation more precisely in an academic register.
- 11. Use a natural opener Original: commence Suggested revision: begin Why it matters: This transition introduces the first reason more naturally.
- 12. Fix clause punctuation Original: piano; then, Suggested revision: piano, then Why it matters: A comma, not a semicolon followed by another comma, should separate the conditional clause from its result.
Suggested Rewrites
- a very hectic schedule very hectic schedules
- they have no time to entertain themselves have little time to relax
- teaching musical instruments teaching children to play musical instruments
- feel stress-free from their routine gain relief from their routines
- building aesthetic sense in them developing their aesthetic sense
- highly expected to get higher grades under intense pressure to achieve higher grades
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response establishes a clear position and offers a relevant explanation of how music could relieve academic pressure, with some ambitious vocabulary. Its main limitation is that it is substantially under length and develops only one broad line of argument, leaving the case narrow and incomplete. Add a distinct, fully explained second reason, support it with a realistic example, and close with a concise conclusion.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear agreement position is supported by a relevant benefit, but the under-length response develops only one narrow argument and lacks a conclusion.
Add a fully developed second reason with a specific example, then restate the extent of agreement in a conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The two paragraphs follow a generally understandable progression, though linking is sometimes mechanical and several supporting points are loosely connected.
Organise the response into an introduction, two distinct reason paragraphs, and a conclusion, using linking phrases only where the logic requires them.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a reasonably varied vocabulary, but several collocations are unnatural or imprecise, including references to musical equipment and building a career.
Prefer accurate, natural combinations such as musical instruments, develop an aesthetic appreciation, and pursue a musical career.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures communicates the main ideas, but recurring article, clause, and punctuation errors reduce control.
Review article use and clause boundaries, especially around semicolons, relative clauses, and constructions such as not only...but also.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
Some Educationalists Say That Every Child Should Be Taught How to Play a Musical Instrument. To What Extent Do You Agree or Disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.