New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
Sample Response
Currently, it is true that the way children spend their leisure time has been changed by new technology. While this has several benefits, I believe that the drawbacks far outweigh them.
On the one hand, there are some advantages to children spending their spare time on advanced technologies. Firstly, many children tend to enjoy playing computer games, and such games might help improve their cognitive development. For example, strategic games require players to be good at problem-solving and be able to deal with unexpected situations, so children who play these games can better their logical thinking and problem-solving skills. Secondly, since the source of online information is huge and readily available, young people might benefit from early exposure to the Internet. If people are able to browse the Internet at a young age, they can start their learning process earlier, and as a result, can advance their knowledge as they grow up.
However, I would argue that the advantages discussed above are outweighed by the disadvantages. One main drawback is that children who enjoy spending time in front of the computer screen are often reluctant to do exercise. Low physical activity levels are likely to result in children becoming overweight, and in turn, they would end up being obese. In addition, some games tempt people to continue playing for hours, which could lead to gaming addiction. In role-playing games, for instance, people might need to stay in front of the computer for several hours in order to progress to higher levels, and therefore children may spend an excessive amount of time on games.
In conclusion, while there are some advantages to children spending time on advanced technologies, it seems to me that the disadvantages are more significant.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove empty framing Original: Currently, it is true that Suggested revision: Currently, Why it matters: It is true that adds no meaning and weakens the opening statement.
- 2. Use direct active form Original: has been changed by new technology Suggested revision: has changed because of new technologies Why it matters: The active form is more natural for describing a broad continuing change.
- 3. Use natural collocation Original: spare time on advanced technologies Suggested revision: spare time using new technologies Why it matters: People use technologies rather than spend time on them in this context.
- 4. Remove redundant hedge Original: many children tend to enjoy Suggested revision: many children enjoy Why it matters: Tend to is unnecessary because many already limits the generalisation.
- 5. Improve parallel structure Original: be good at problem-solving and be able to deal Suggested revision: solve problems and deal Why it matters: Parallel base verbs make the two required abilities more concise and balanced.
- 6. Use natural verb Original: better Suggested revision: improve Why it matters: Improve is the standard verb for developing a skill or ability.
- 7. Correct quantity wording Original: the source of online information is huge Suggested revision: the amount of online information is vast Why it matters: Amount refers to the quantity of information, whereas source does not.
- 8. Use natural collocation Original: advance Suggested revision: expand Why it matters: Expand their knowledge is the more natural collocation here.
- 9. Use concise collocation Original: reluctant to do exercise Suggested revision: reluctant to exercise Why it matters: The verb exercise is more concise and natural in this construction.
- 10. Keep subject consistent Original: people Suggested revision: children Why it matters: Children is the relevant group throughout the argument, while people is unnecessarily broad.
- 11. Keep reference consistent Original: people Suggested revision: children Why it matters: Retaining children as the subject keeps the example aligned with the essay topic.
- 12. Sentence rewrite Original: Low physical activity levels are likely to result in children becoming overweight, and in turn, they would end up being obese. Suggested revision: Low levels of physical activity are likely to cause children to become overweight or obese. Why it matters: The rewrite removes the inconsistent modal shift and the redundant progression from overweight to obese.
Suggested Rewrites
- Currently, it is true that Currently,
- has been changed by new technology has changed because of new technologies
- spare time on advanced technologies spare time using new technologies
- many children tend to enjoy many children enjoy
- be good at problem-solving and be able to deal solve problems and deal
- better improve
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response answers the question directly, maintains a clear comparative position, and develops both benefits and drawbacks with relevant explanations and examples. The main limitation is occasional imprecision or repetition in otherwise strong language, particularly in descriptions of technology and online information; the highest-priority improvement is to tighten those expressions and make the comparison of overall significance slightly more explicit.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response fully addresses both sides and sustains a clear view that the disadvantages are more significant.
Add one sentence explicitly weighing the long-term severity of the health and addiction risks against the educational benefits.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing is purposeful, progression is easy to follow, and cohesive devices connect ideas without obscuring the argument.
Reduce minor repetition of children, games, and advantages by using tighter referencing within each paragraph.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and generally precise, though a few phrases such as advanced technologies and the source of online information is huge sound unnatural.
Use more idiomatic combinations, such as digital technology and a vast amount of online information, to improve precision.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A broad range of complex sentences is handled accurately, with only occasional awkward passive or conditional choices.
Prefer direct constructions and keep hypothetical verb forms consistent, especially when describing likely consequences for children.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.