In many countries, teenagers are encouraged to find part-time jobs. Some think this is a good development while others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
Some believe that teenagers ought to take part in hourly paid work while others feel this is not a good idea. In my opinion, though this can be an added burden for teenagers, it offers a host of benefits related to life experience.
Opponents of part-time work for teenagers seize on the mental repercussions of stress. Teenagers already deal with so many life problems ranging from the chemical changes inherent in puberty to social stress to academic pressure. There are countries such as South Korea and Japan where the academic workload rarely allows for recreation time, let alone paid work. Adding in a job and its encumbent concerns can only worsen a teenager’s mental health and, in the most extreme cases, lead to depression and nervous breakdowns. Even students not affected as deeply are sure to be less happy due to stress.
Regardless, working is a maturing experience. Work continues and hastens the lifelong process of negotiating one’s own priorities against the expectations of others. Most high schoolers start with a low-paying part-time position and that may educate them about the importance of having a good education. They are also likely to begin developing the qualities that will serve them well in a variety of future workplaces including teamwork skills, organisation, and perseverance. The experience will also give them a window into an industry and help them make more informed choices for their future career.
In conclusion, though work can take a toll on mental well-being it is a positive, overall maturing experience. Teenagers should try a variety of jobs in order to have a clear overview of possible working environments.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use task-specific term Original: hourly paid work Suggested revision: part-time paid work Why it matters: 'Part-time paid work' matches the type of employment discussed in the task.
- 2. Use natural wording Original: seize on the mental repercussions of stress Suggested revision: focus on the mental effects of stress Why it matters: The revision conveys the same point in a clearer and less strained collocation.
- 3. Use natural collocation Original: recreation time Suggested revision: time for recreation Why it matters: 'Time for recreation' is the more idiomatic noun phrase.
- 4. Remove extra preposition Original: Adding in a job Suggested revision: Adding a job Why it matters: The verb 'add' takes the job directly as its object in this structure.
- 5. Correct word choice Original: its encumbent concerns Suggested revision: the associated concerns Why it matters: The original spelling and collocation are incorrect for concerns that accompany a job.
- 6. Use precise phrasing Original: working is a maturing experience Suggested revision: working promotes maturity Why it matters: The revision expresses the developmental effect more directly and naturally.
- 7. Use formal register Original: high schoolers Suggested revision: high-school students Why it matters: This term is more appropriate for a formal academic essay.
- 8. Separate independent clauses Original: position and that Suggested revision: position, and that Why it matters: A comma is needed before the coordinating conjunction joining two independent clauses.
- 9. Set off examples Original: future workplaces including Suggested revision: future workplaces, including Why it matters: A comma introduces the nonessential list of workplace qualities.
- 10. Choose precise wording Original: clear overview of possible working environments Suggested revision: clearer understanding of different work environments Why it matters: This collocation more naturally describes knowledge gained through trying several jobs.
Suggested Rewrites
- hourly paid work part-time paid work
- seize on the mental repercussions of stress focus on the mental effects of stress
- recreation time time for recreation
- Adding in a job Adding a job
- its encumbent concerns the associated concerns
- working is a maturing experience working promotes maturity
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response fully discusses both perspectives and maintains a clear opinion, using relevant examples and well-developed reasoning about stress, maturity, and future work. Its main limitation is a small number of awkward or imprecise expressions in an otherwise fluent argument. Refine collocations such as those describing paid work and job-related concerns, and add a little more nuance to the final recommendation.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are directly addressed and the preference for part-time work is clear, consistently maintained, and supported with developed consequences and examples.
Qualify the final recommendation by indicating suitable limits on working hours so it follows more precisely from the concern about stress.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is logically sequenced, with focused paragraphs and cohesive links that make the contrasting arguments easy to follow.
Use a more precise transition than Regardless when moving from the disadvantages to the benefits.
Lexical Resource
The response demonstrates a wide and flexible vocabulary for mental health, education, personal development, and employment, despite a few awkward choices.
Correct the spelling and wording around encumbent concerns and replace hourly paid work with a more natural expression.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex and simple structures are varied and handled with strong control, with only occasional minor punctuation slips.
Add the missing comma after the introductory concession in the conclusion and continue checking punctuation in complex sentences.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In many countries, teenagers are encouraged to find part-time jobs. Some think this is a good development while others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.