Many people believe that television programs are of no value for children. Do you agree? Why or why not?
Sample Response
Televisual media has become a pervasive force in the lives of families around the world today. Yet, a central question remains regarding whether watching television is harmful or beneficial for children. An analysis of this question reveals that television programs present three major concerns in the case of children, including depictions of violence, the use of profane language, and the representation of poor moral role models. Television programs that portray violence are a paramount concern for parents nowadays. Recent research has shown that children may commit acts of violence because they wish to emulate the behavior that they see on television. This is especially true when violent acts are committed by well-known action “heroes.” In addition, television programs show cartoon figures, as well as actors, committing violent acts. Using comic situations to depict violent themes causes further problems with the way in which young people view violence. Television programs that contain profane or disrespectful language also worry parents with young children. Because censorship laws have relaxed over the past few decades, it has become very common for television programs of each and every kind to show characters expressing impolite, rude, and insulting utterances to one another. Bearing resemblance to the case of portrayals of violence, children unfortunately often try to imitate these actions they watch on their television screens. Finally, some parents are upset about the moral behavior depicted on television. As they struggle to teach their children moral and ethical values, parents might despair about the lack of morals and ethics represented in some of the so-called role models on television. For instance, certain characters not only have no remorse for their immoral actions, but also frequently go unpunished by larger society. Because of these factors, many parents believe that television programs send their youth the wrong kinds of messages. The emulation of this poor behavior by their children is something they wish to avoid at all costs, and they have accordingly decided to ban television in their households for these reasons.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural term Original: Televisual media Suggested revision: Television Why it matters: Televisual media is unusually technical here, while television states the subject naturally and directly.
- 2. Reduce wordiness Original: remains regarding whether Suggested revision: remains: whether Why it matters: A colon introduces the two alternatives more concisely than remains regarding whether.
- 3. Use concise phrasing Original: in the case of children Suggested revision: for children Why it matters: For children expresses the relationship more directly.
- 4. Improve collocation Original: representation Suggested revision: portrayal Why it matters: Portrayal is the more natural noun for how television presents characters.
- 5. Avoid overstatement Original: paramount Suggested revision: major Why it matters: Major accurately conveys importance without the absolute force of paramount.
- 6. Avoid sweeping wording Original: programs of each and every kind Suggested revision: programs of many kinds Why it matters: Many kinds is more concise and avoids an unnecessarily absolute generalisation.
- 7. Use natural collocation Original: expressing impolite, rude, and insulting utterances Suggested revision: using impolite, rude, and insulting language Why it matters: People use language rather than express utterances in this context.
- 8. Fix awkward phrase Original: Bearing resemblance to the case of portrayals of violence Suggested revision: As with portrayals of violence Why it matters: The original introductory phrase is unidiomatic and obscures the comparison.
- 9. Clarify reference Original: these actions they watch on their television screens Suggested revision: this behaviour they see on television Why it matters: Behaviour refers more clearly to the preceding use of disrespectful language.
- 10. Fix idiom Original: go unpunished by larger society Suggested revision: go unpunished by society at large Why it matters: Society at large is the established expression for the wider community.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: The emulation of this poor behavior by their children is something they wish to avoid at all costs, and they have accordingly decided to ban television in their households for these reasons. Suggested revision: Parents wish to prevent their children from imitating such poor behaviour, so they may decide to ban television in their homes. Why it matters: The direct structure removes heavy nominalisation and makes the cause-and-effect link easier to follow.
Suggested Rewrites
- Televisual media Television
- remains regarding whether remains: whether
- in the case of children for children
- representation portrayal
- paramount major
- programs of each and every kind programs of many kinds
Why this response received Band 7.5
The response develops a persuasive case through three relevant concerns, with precise vocabulary and consistently controlled complex sentences. Its main limitation is that the writer's own agreement is conveyed only indirectly through discussion of parents' views, while the single-block presentation weakens the visible organisation. State the personal position explicitly and divide the argument into purposeful paragraphs.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses the question through three relevant, well-explained harms, although the writer's personal degree of agreement remains implicit.
State the position directly in the introduction and conclusion, then connect each concern explicitly to the claim that programmes have no value for children.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically from violence to language and moral influence, with clear linking and referencing throughout.
Separate the introduction, each main concern, and the conclusion into distinct paragraphs to make the argument's structure immediately visible.
Lexical Resource
A wide and precise vocabulary supports nuanced discussion, with only occasional wording that sounds somewhat formal or awkward.
Prefer natural combinations such as portrayals of violence and society as a whole over unnecessarily elaborate phrasing.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A broad range of complex sentence forms is used accurately, and errors are rare and do not disrupt meaning.
Refine occasional compressed constructions and participial openings so that every relationship between ideas is expressed as naturally as possible.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Many people believe that television programs are of no value for children. Do you agree? Why or why not?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.