The rate of unemployment in some countries is high. Because of this, there is no need to complete an education beyond a primary school level. Write an essay either for or against this position.
Sample Response
As the world’s population grows so does the unemployment rates in most countries. This leads many people to avow that education beyond primary school level is not needed. It is disagreed that education beyond primary school level is no longer needed, no matter how high or low the unemployment rates get. This will be proven by looking at the sophistication that higher education brings with it and how education helps to differentiate between the more productive and less productive people.
To begin, the merits of education beyond primary school level are not limited to the technical knowledge gained from the studies, they extend to the courtesies and etiquettes learned by students as they get more mature through education. For instance, it is no secret that bullying amongst children is highest up until high school, it starts to diminish from thereon as students become more in-tune to the wrongs and rights. If youngsters, start to drop out of school after primary level, those bullies, could go on to become juvenile delinquents. After analysing this, it is clear that education beyond primary level is indeed fruitful for the society at large.
Furthermore, in absence of education, it would be harder for prospective employers to choose between more competent and less competent people. A scenario where all job applicants for a particular job are primary school level qualified, employers would be hard pressed to select the best possible candidate for the said job, illustrates this point well. Unfortunately, if there are no criteria, upon which to decide between potential employees, the recruitment process will become inept. Hence, education beyond primary school level plays a pivotal role in hiring process.
In summary, higher education has a significant part to play in humanising the youth, and in distinguishing between the skilled and the unskilled. Thus, I beg to differ with the idea that education beyond primary level is not needed. It is hoped that people will continue to acquire knowledge through education, regardless of the levels of unemployment.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix subject agreement Original: so does the unemployment rates Suggested revision: so do unemployment rates Why it matters: The plural subject unemployment rates requires do and no definite article.
- 2. Use natural reporting verb Original: to avow Suggested revision: to claim Why it matters: Claim is the natural verb for reporting this view in an academic essay.
- 3. Use active position Original: It is disagreed Suggested revision: I disagree Why it matters: Disagree is not used in this impersonal passive construction.
- 4. Use formal verb Original: unemployment rates get Suggested revision: unemployment rates become Why it matters: Become is more precise and formal for a change in rates.
- 5. Avoid overclaiming proof Original: This will be proven Suggested revision: This argument will be supported Why it matters: An essay supports an argument rather than proving it conclusively.
- 6. Match the developed idea Original: sophistication that higher education brings with it Suggested revision: maturity that higher education fosters Why it matters: Maturity more accurately previews the later discussion of behaviour and social development.
- 7. Correct comparison pattern Original: differentiate between the more productive and less productive people Suggested revision: distinguish more productive people from less productive people Why it matters: Distinguish A from B is the natural pattern for identifying differences between groups.
- 8. Fix comma splice Original: the studies, they extend Suggested revision: their studies; they also extend Why it matters: A semicolon correctly separates the independent clauses and their clearly refers to the students.
- 9. Use uncountable nouns Original: courtesies and etiquettes Suggested revision: courtesy and etiquette Why it matters: Courtesy and etiquette are uncountable in this general sense.
- 10. Use concise verb Original: get more mature Suggested revision: mature Why it matters: The verb mature expresses the same process more directly.
- 11. Fix comma splice Original: high school, it starts Suggested revision: high school; it starts Why it matters: A semicolon is needed between these two independent clauses.
- 12. Correct expression Original: in-tune to Suggested revision: attuned to Why it matters: Attuned to is the standard expression for becoming more aware of something.
Suggested Rewrites
- so does the unemployment rates so do unemployment rates
- to avow to claim
- It is disagreed I disagree
- unemployment rates get unemployment rates become
- This will be proven This argument will be supported
- sophistication that higher education brings with it maturity that higher education fosters
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response presents a consistent position and supports it with two clearly separated arguments, with the employment-selection point being particularly relevant and easy to follow. Its main weakness is that some claims, especially the link between schooling and delinquency, are asserted too broadly, while recurring grammatical and punctuation errors reduce precision. Prioritise developing each causal link more convincingly and editing sentence boundaries and agreement.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
A clear opposing position is maintained and supported by two relevant, generally developed arguments.
Explain the causal connection between continued education and reduced delinquency more carefully, avoiding unsupported generalisations.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay progresses logically through a clear introduction, two distinct body arguments, and a consistent conclusion.
Improve flow within body paragraphs by separating overextended sentences and making references between claims more explicit.
Lexical Resource
A sufficiently flexible vocabulary conveys the argument effectively, despite several awkward or imprecise collocations.
Choose more natural combinations such as social maturity and awareness of right and wrong instead of forcing less familiar expressions.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex structures is attempted successfully, but agreement, article, comma, and sentence-boundary errors recur.
Proofread systematically for subject-verb agreement and replace comma splices with correctly punctuated independent sentences.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The rate of unemployment in some countries is high. Because of this, there is no need to complete an education beyond a primary school level. Write an essay either for or against this position.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.