Given high unemployment rate, it is recommended that the government only provide primary education and no secondary education. What do you think?
Sample Response
It is believed that countries which have high unemployment rates should only offer primary education; and extending secondary education to students who are not likely to find work in the future is a hopeless attempt. I personally consider this to be a flawed argument, and I will explain my reasoning in the essay below.
Important as it is to a child’s overall development, primary education does not provide any necessary work skills. The fundamental aim of this early stage of education is simply to lay a basis for a student’s cognitive development through the learning of language, art and basic science. People who complete this level of education are not equipped with the necessary skills and knowledge to enter the workforce. While those people may find blue-collar employment, it is unlikely that they can get a decent job. Therefore, if a country with a high unemployment level only offers primary education to the majority of students, the outcome will not be worthwhile.
Furthermore, I would argue that investing in secondary schooling systems and delivering secondary education to young students are of greater importance when it comes to improving the overall employment rate of a country. In fact, nowadays, many middle and high schools hire a large number of secondary education degree holders who work better with younger age groups and are more familiar with the subjects taught at this level of education. There are also many other types of non-academic careers, such as in the beauty and entertainment industries, that only require a secondary education degree. Last but not least, I believe that we should not restrict secondary education to a certain group of students who are deemed eligible because everyone deserves an equal opportunity to access education.
In conclusion, I disagree that providing only primary education is the best course of action to be adopted in the context of a nation with a high rate of unemployment. Secondary education, on the other hand, is a major contributor to combating unemployment. I also believe that we should not dispense secondary education to only a select number of students as everyone has the right to be educated.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix clause coordination Original: primary education; and extending Suggested revision: primary education and that extending Why it matters: The semicolon incorrectly separates coordinated content clauses, and repeating “that” restores parallel structure.
- 2. Use natural collocation Original: lay a basis Suggested revision: lay the foundation Why it matters: “Lay the foundation” is the standard collocation for establishing a basis for development.
- 3. Use precise wording Original: through the learning of language, art and basic science Suggested revision: through the study of languages, the arts, and basic science Why it matters: The revised phrase uses natural academic wording and parallel category labels.
- 4. Correct collocation Original: level Suggested revision: rate Why it matters: Unemployment is conventionally measured and described as a “rate.”
- 5. Clarify evaluation Original: outcome will not be worthwhile Suggested revision: policy will not be effective Why it matters: The revision identifies the policy as the object being evaluated and uses a precise adjective.
- 6. Use natural collocation Original: delivering secondary education to young students Suggested revision: providing secondary education to young people Why it matters: Education is normally “provided,” and “young people” avoids the redundant phrase “young students.”
- 7. Correct qualification term Original: secondary education degree holders Suggested revision: people with secondary-school qualifications Why it matters: A person completing secondary school holds a qualification rather than a secondary education degree.
- 8. Use precise comparison Original: work better with younger age groups Suggested revision: work well with younger students Why it matters: “Well” avoids an unsupported comparison, and “students” identifies the group precisely.
- 9. Simplify category wording Original: many other types of non-academic careers, such as in the beauty and entertainment industries Suggested revision: many other non-academic careers in the beauty and entertainment industries Why it matters: The revision removes the awkward “types of...such as in” construction.
- 10. Correct qualification term Original: a secondary education degree Suggested revision: a secondary-school qualification Why it matters: Secondary schooling leads to a qualification rather than a degree.
- 11. Remove redundancy Original: best course of action to be adopted Suggested revision: best course of action Why it matters: “Course of action” already conveys something that can be adopted, so the final phrase is redundant.
- 12. Correct verb choice Original: dispense Suggested revision: provide Why it matters: “Provide” is the natural verb for making education available to students.
Suggested Rewrites
- primary education; and extending primary education and that extending
- lay a basis lay the foundation
- through the learning of language, art and basic science through the study of languages, the arts, and basic science
- level rate
- outcome will not be worthwhile policy will not be effective
- delivering secondary education to young students providing secondary education to young people
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response gives a direct position, develops it through a coherent progression of educational and employment arguments, and demonstrates strong control of complex language. Its main limitation is that one employment example is factually questionable and several phrases are imprecise; the highest-priority improvement is to use more credible evidence and exact terminology when explaining how secondary education affects employability.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The task is fully addressed with a consistent position and several developed reasons, although the example about school employment is not wholly convincing.
Support the employment argument with a realistic example that accurately distinguishes secondary qualifications from professional teaching credentials.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically organized, with clear paragraph purposes, effective progression, and cohesive devices that are generally well controlled.
Reduce reliance on formulaic transitions and make the link between each example and the paragraph claim as direct as possible.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide and generally precise, but phrases such as secondary education degree and dispense secondary education show occasional collocational inaccuracy.
Use exact educational terminology and check verb-noun combinations, particularly when describing qualifications, access, and employment outcomes.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide variety of complex structures is handled accurately, and the few punctuation or phrasing lapses do not impede communication.
Polish punctuation around coordinated clauses and revise the occasional awkward construction while preserving the strong range of sentence forms.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Given high unemployment rate, it is recommended that the government only provide primary education and no secondary education. What do you think?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.