It is suggested that all the young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people?
Sample Response
Every year when summer comes around, volunteer students in their conspicuous blue shirts are ubiquitous. They can be spotted in the streets, delivering free food to the less fortunate, at waiting tables in front of the school gates providing information to students, or on the beach collecting trash under the sizzling weather. However, it still remains a topic of debate whether these activities are wholly beneficial for students. This essay will elucidate the reasons and justify the opinion that the disadvantages are outweighing the advantages.
On one side of the argument, there are a number of benefits for students who are involved in community service. In the technologically-advanced world, it is a common problem that people show scant concern about others’ affairs. These activities certainly help them gain insight into the lives of the underprivileged, realise how fortunate they are, and therefore inspire in them a higher sense of responsibility with the community. Besides, participating in volunteer programs is also a very effective way for students to combat stress and hone various crucial life skills such as communication, teamwork, or time-management.
Despite the multiple merits of volunteer activities, there are still a lot of raised eyebrows. Firstly, making unpaid work obligatory to all students without any exception will certainly cause resentment among themselves or their families. For instance, any unpaid voluntary work could lead to individuals having less motivation to work which might affect their self-esteem in the long run. In addition, students’ studies at school can be sabotaged as they are always short of time to complete their homework or revise their lessons. This is because students would be more focused on completing the tasks provided at work, due to which they would not be able to find time or concentrate on their school work. The other, more profound consequence that can ensue from the constant poor academic performance is the bleak career prospects that the future hold for them.
To conclude, the importance of community service should be fully realised; however, it should not be made compulsory for all students.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use standard noun phrase Original: volunteer students Suggested revision: student volunteers Why it matters: Student volunteers is the conventional term for students doing voluntary work.
- 2. Remove redundancy Original: still remains Suggested revision: remains Why it matters: Remain already conveys continuation, so still is redundant here.
- 3. Use simple present Original: are outweighing Suggested revision: outweigh Why it matters: The simple present is appropriate for stating the essay's general judgement.
- 4. Use standard contrast marker Original: On one side of the argument Suggested revision: On the one hand Why it matters: This standard connector clearly introduces the first side of a comparison.
- 5. Correct responsibility phrase Original: with Suggested revision: towards Why it matters: Responsibility towards is the natural collocation for an obligation to a community.
- 6. State concerns directly Original: a lot of raised eyebrows Suggested revision: many concerns Why it matters: The idiom is used unnaturally and does not clearly name the objections being discussed.
- 7. Correct preposition Original: to Suggested revision: for Why it matters: Obligatory takes for when identifying the people subject to a requirement.
- 8. Clarify affected groups Original: among themselves or their families Suggested revision: among students and their families Why it matters: The reflexive pronoun has no clear antecedent and or wrongly separates two affected groups.
- 9. Use academic collocation Original: can be sabotaged Suggested revision: can suffer Why it matters: Studies can suffer from lack of time, whereas sabotaged implies deliberate damage.
- 10. State purpose directly Original: elucidate the reasons and justify the opinion Suggested revision: explain why Why it matters: The shorter phrase communicates the essay's purpose more directly and naturally.
- 11. Repair complement structure Original: a common problem that people show scant concern Suggested revision: common for people to show little concern Why it matters: The adjective common takes a for-to complement in this sentence structure.
- 12. Remove duplicate addition Original: is also a very effective way Suggested revision: is a very effective way Why it matters: Besides already marks the idea as additional, making also redundant.
Suggested Rewrites
- volunteer students student volunteers
- still remains remains
- are outweighing outweigh
- On one side of the argument On the one hand
- with towards
- a lot of raised eyebrows many concerns
Why this response received Band 7.0
The essay states a clear position, develops both advantages and disadvantages for young people, and moves logically through well-organised paragraphs. Its main limitation is incomplete task coverage because the effects on the community are barely examined, so the most important improvement is to add a distinct, developed analysis of community-level benefits or drawbacks before reaching the comparative conclusion.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response gives a clear judgement and develops effects on young people, but it largely omits the required impact on the community.
Develop at least one substantial community-level consequence and explicitly weigh it alongside the effects on young adults.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses logically through a clear introduction, contrasting body paragraphs, and a concise conclusion, with generally effective cohesion.
Strengthen the link between the comparative question and each body paragraph by signalling whose benefits or drawbacks are being evaluated.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and often precise, although several expressions are strained or inaccurate in context.
Replace showy or awkward phrases with natural academic collocations, especially when describing obligation, community responsibility, and academic consequences.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used with good overall control, while occasional agreement and verb-form errors remain noticeable.
Proofread complex clauses for subject-verb agreement and choose simple present forms for stated opinions and general claims.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
It is suggested that all the young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.