In some cultures the old age is more valued, while in other cultures youth is more valued. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Sample Response
The debate over which group, namely the elderly and younger generations, should be of utmost appreciation is one that has been long contested. I am of the opinion that despite the economic values fostered by young adults, gratitude towards older people should be expressed due to general human morality and their thorough understanding.
Those who suppose that valuing youth is pivotal may well say that the young population would be crucial in laying the foundation and making progress for the national economy. The young, who comprise the majority of the workforce in the world, are innovative, passionate, and diligent in working to create breakthroughs in myriad fields. They, therefore, play a key role in boosting economic growth and establishing a higher living standard. Thus, the young generation should be provided with favorable conditions to widen their horizons and be contributing members of society. Take Mark Zuckerberg, the 37-year-old CEO of Facebook, as a prime example - this creative young man has successfully created a global social network - a multi-billion dollar business model, which can revolutionarily facilitate communication across the globe.
Notwithstanding the aforementioned arguments, I still believe that under no circumstances should older people be depreciated because of moral principles in human life and their wealth of knowledge. Regarding the former, seniors have devoted their whole life to contributing to the growth of our society; therefore, treating them with dignity and respect is of paramount importance. Coupled with this is that the elderly have ample life experience passed down from one generation to the next as valuable lessons which are essential in assisting young people to tackle obstacles and guiding them to the right path in life. This fact explains the rationale behind the reality that a great number of leaders in the world are seniors.
In conclusion, although I acknowledge the potential of the young in economic terms, I would argue that the elderly should be respected due to their vast amount of knowledge and the codes of ethics in the civilization of mankind.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct the collocation Original: should be of utmost appreciation Suggested revision: should be most highly valued Why it matters: Be of appreciation is not a natural way to express how much a group is valued.
- 2. Fix adverb placement Original: has been long contested Suggested revision: has long been contested Why it matters: Long normally precedes the past participle in this perfect construction.
- 3. Clarify the meaning Original: economic values fostered by young adults Suggested revision: economic value generated by young adults Why it matters: Economic value and generated accurately express the contribution being described.
- 4. Use natural wording Original: general human morality Suggested revision: basic moral principles Why it matters: Basic moral principles is a clearer and more natural expression.
- 5. Use consistent tense Original: would be crucial Suggested revision: is crucial Why it matters: The paragraph presents a general current claim, so the present tense is more consistent.
- 6. Improve the collocation Original: making progress for the national economy Suggested revision: advancing the national economy Why it matters: Advancing the economy expresses the intended contribution more naturally.
- 7. Use concise phrasing Original: diligent in working to create Suggested revision: committed to creating Why it matters: This revision removes wordiness while preserving the idea of sustained effort.
- 8. Improve the collocation Original: establishing a higher living standard Suggested revision: raising living standards Why it matters: Raising living standards is the conventional expression for this economic outcome.
- 9. Fix the verb form Original: be Suggested revision: become Why it matters: Become is needed to describe the resulting role in society.
- 10. Choose the right verb Original: depreciated Suggested revision: devalued Why it matters: Devalued refers to treating people as less worthy, while depreciated is unsuitable here.
- 11. Clarify the quality Original: their thorough understanding Suggested revision: their accumulated wisdom Why it matters: Accumulated wisdom expresses the intended value of older people more precisely.
- 12. Fix plural agreement Original: life Suggested revision: lives Why it matters: The plural subject seniors requires the plural possessive complement lives.
Suggested Rewrites
- should be of utmost appreciation should be most highly valued
- has been long contested has long been contested
- economic values fostered by young adults economic value generated by young adults
- general human morality basic moral principles
- would be crucial is crucial
- making progress for the national economy advancing the national economy
Why this response received Band 7.5
The essay gives a clear, consistent preference for valuing older people while developing both cultural perspectives through relevant reasoning and examples. Its strongest feature is the controlled progression of ideas, but some ambitious vocabulary is awkward or imprecise and occasionally makes the argument sound forced. The highest priority is to choose more natural collocations and express the same sophisticated ideas with greater precision and economy.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response fully addresses both views, sustains a clear opinion, and develops each side with relevant reasons and support.
Make the cultural dimension more explicit so the discussion explains why different societies value each age group.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses clearly through well-focused paragraphs, with cohesive devices effectively marking concession, support, and conclusion.
Use slightly less formulaic transitions to make the movement between ideas feel more natural.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide-ranging and ambitious, but several unnatural or imprecise choices weaken otherwise effective expression.
Prefer idiomatic choices such as valued or undervalued and avoid forced formations when simpler wording is more exact.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide variety of complex structures is handled accurately in most sentences, with only occasional awkward constructions.
Refine inversion and complement structures, particularly patterns like coupled with this, to improve grammatical naturalness.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In some cultures the old age is more valued, while in other cultures youth is more valued. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.