Although sports events are very popular, violence at these events is on the increase. Why is this so? What should authorities do to prevent violence from taking place at sports events?
Sample Response
Despite the increasing popularity of sports events all around the world, brutality concerning those events, particularly among fans, has globally grabbed attention. This essay elucidates the wagering of fans as one of the crucial ingredients for the conflicts and then connotes that setting heavy fines by authorities is a good solution. To commence with, we need to consider reasons for people who love sports to behave such irrationally, especially when they watch live sports. This should be examined from different perspectives to fully understand the purposes of this attitude. Monetary incentives, however, could widely be indicated as one of the chief agents for this misconduct. To illustrate, globally many people are addicted to betting on their favourite sportsmen or teams, ranging from football matches to horse riding competitions. The stress of not succeeding in their bet and correspondingly losing a great deal of money leads to accusing violent treatment. These behaviours might occur in the form of bothering or hurting other individuals or damaging public properties. Considering the diverse angles of this social phenomenon, setting a bunch of penalties against the populace particularly in gambling acts concerning sports events somehow could result in a fewer brutal etiquette of sport competition followers. As evidence, in some countries like Iran, wagering on any incident is identified as an unruly action in terms of legal and religion alike. Moreover, heavy fines could be waiting for offenders attempting to bet on games and sports competitions. To conclude, although the causes of violent behaviour in sports events are needed to be considered from a different angle, the financial losses stemming from losing wager can be suitably responsible for such manners. Nevertheless, it could be under control by legislating stricter laws regarding wagering, in particular, in the field of sports competitions.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use precise terminology Original: brutality concerning those events Suggested revision: violence at those events Why it matters: Violence at an event is the natural and precise expression for the issue described.
- 2. Correct the collocation Original: has globally grabbed attention Suggested revision: has attracted global attention Why it matters: Attract attention is the standard formal collocation.
- 3. Use natural transition Original: commence Suggested revision: begin Why it matters: The revised transition introduces the first reason more naturally.
- 4. Fix clause structure Original: reasons for people who love sports to behave such irrationally Suggested revision: why sports fans behave so irrationally Why it matters: The why-clause is concise, and so correctly modifies the adverb irrationally.
- 5. Name causes accurately Original: purposes of this attitude Suggested revision: causes of this behaviour Why it matters: The discussion seeks causes of conduct, rather than purposes of an attitude.
- 6. Clarify financial factor Original: Monetary incentives, however Suggested revision: Financial stakes, however Why it matters: Financial stakes accurately covers the potential gains and losses involved in betting.
- 7. Remove misplaced adverb Original: could widely be indicated Suggested revision: could be identified Why it matters: The simpler passive construction expresses the intended identification clearly.
- 8. Use causal noun Original: chief agents for this misconduct Suggested revision: main causes of this misconduct Why it matters: Causes describes factors that produce misconduct more accurately than agents.
- 9. Place adverb naturally Original: globally many people Suggested revision: many people worldwide Why it matters: Worldwide is naturally placed after the noun phrase it locates.
- 10. Use inclusive term Original: sportsmen Suggested revision: athletes Why it matters: Athletes is a precise, gender-neutral term for sports competitors.
- 11. Name betting event Original: horse riding competitions Suggested revision: horse-racing events Why it matters: Horse racing is the conventional term for the competitive event associated with betting.
- 12. Use uncountable noun Original: properties Suggested revision: property Why it matters: Property is uncountable when referring generally to publicly owned objects and facilities.
Suggested Rewrites
- brutality concerning those events violence at those events
- has globally grabbed attention has attracted global attention
- commence begin
- reasons for people who love sports to behave such irrationally why sports fans behave so irrationally
- purposes of this attitude causes of this behaviour
- Monetary incentives, however Financial stakes, however
Why this response received Band 5.5
The essay’s strongest feature is that it answers both questions consistently by linking gambling losses to aggression and proposing legal penalties. Its main limitation is the narrow, indirect treatment of sports violence, compounded by pervasive unnatural wording that often obscures otherwise relevant ideas. The highest priority is to explain the cause-and-effect chain more precisely and propose measures aimed directly at violent conduct inside venues.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both the cause and prevention questions are addressed, but the response relies on one narrow gambling explanation and a solution whose effect on venue violence is insufficiently demonstrated.
Add a direct cause such as alcohol, rivalry, or weak crowd control and explain how a targeted authority measure would prevent the resulting violence.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response follows a recognisable cause-solution sequence, but one dense paragraph, mechanical signposting, and unclear referencing weaken progression.
Separate the introduction, cause, solution, and conclusion into paragraphs and give each body paragraph a direct topic sentence.
Lexical Resource
The writer attempts a broad academic vocabulary, but frequent inappropriate word choices and collocations substantially reduce precision and sometimes obscure meaning.
Use straightforward phrases such as “fan violence”, “a major cause”, “aggressive behaviour”, and “impose heavy fines” instead of forced alternatives.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are attempted throughout, but frequent errors in clause formation, comparison, passive voice, articles, and word forms limit grammatical accuracy.
Build shorter complete sentences and revise patterns such as “behave irrationally”, “fewer violent incidents”, and “violence can be controlled”.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Although sports events are very popular, violence at these events is on the increase. Why is this so? What should authorities do to prevent violence from taking place at sports events?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.