The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to decrease violent crimes in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this point of views?
Sample Response
Numerous people have envisioned television as the most important access to entertaining themselves. Pitifully, the amount of violence in films and on Tv has become one of the direct causes that lead to our hovering crime rate in our society. The voice of demanding the government to control violent scenes in mass media has been much louder than ever before. Personally, I totally agree with it, for it is the most effective way to reduce violent crimes in the real world.
First and foremost, the government has the tendency to transfer those immature audiences, who are lacking in proper and adequate parental guidance, into an untouchable class, and isolate them from violence on TV or in films which make non-stop criminal activities all the more attractive. This measure will definitely set a reduction on exporting a baneful influence on ignorant teenagers who are most likely to clone the violent behavior and commit real violent crimes.
Addition, Media such as Tv or film, is considered as an easy access to gaining the benign contents enriching our creativities and imagination. It should be reporting and reflecting positive phenomena in the society. Violence, as one of the facts in the real world, certainly has to the public will expert detrimental influences on the society, For example, teenagers will be easy to cop[y those behaviors which the actors act in some violent films or TV programs, especially for some famous stars. It is always reported in the news that a teenager killed all his family members, one sister, and two parents out of hatred and the fictional world have brought us.
In a word, too much attention has been aroused to the violent, and consequently telling measures should be taken to put violence from mass media under control. Only in this way, can our society enjoy a high level of safety and quietness.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Wrong verb choice Original: envisioned Suggested revision: regarded Why it matters: ‘Envisioned’ does not express viewing television as a means of entertainment.
- 2. Unnatural expression Original: access to entertaining themselves Suggested revision: means of entertaining themselves Why it matters: This phrase needs a noun that describes a method rather than access.
- 3. Capitalise abbreviation Original: Tv Suggested revision: TV Why it matters: The abbreviation for television should use two capital letters.
- 4. Wrong collocation Original: hovering Suggested revision: rising Why it matters: ‘Rising’ accurately describes a crime rate that is increasing.
- 5. Faulty noun phrase Original: The voice of demanding Suggested revision: Calls for Why it matters: The gerund cannot follow ‘the voice of’ in this construction.
- 6. Clarify reference Original: agree with it Suggested revision: agree with this view Why it matters: Naming the view gives the pronoun a clear referent.
- 7. Unnatural collocation Original: set a reduction on exporting a baneful influence Suggested revision: reduce the harmful influence Why it matters: The original phrase combines words that do not form a meaningful English collocation.
- 8. Wrong verb choice Original: clone the violent behavior Suggested revision: imitate the violent behaviour Why it matters: People imitate behaviour rather than clone it.
- 9. Correct linking phrase Original: Addition, Suggested revision: In addition, Why it matters: The additive transition requires the preposition ‘in’.
- 10. Form and number Original: Tv or film Suggested revision: TV or films Why it matters: ‘TV’ needs capitalisation and ‘films’ should be plural in this general statement.
- 11. Unnatural access phrase Original: an easy access to gaining Suggested revision: an easy way to access Why it matters: ‘Access’ is uncountable here and does not combine naturally with ‘to gaining’.
- 12. Improve word choice Original: benign contents Suggested revision: positive content Why it matters: ‘Content’ is normally uncountable, and ‘positive’ conveys the intended media meaning.
Suggested Rewrites
- envisioned regarded
- access to entertaining themselves means of entertaining themselves
- Tv TV
- hovering rising
- The voice of demanding Calls for
- agree with it agree with this view
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response maintains a clear, consistent agreement and organizes its argument into recognizable stages, with the imitation of violent behaviour serving as its strongest supporting idea. However, both body paragraphs rely on unclear claims, weakly substantiated examples, and frequent language errors that sometimes obscure the intended reasoning. The priority is to develop two precise cause-and-effect arguments in simpler, accurately controlled sentences, supported by credible and directly relevant examples.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position is maintained and relevant reasons are offered, but their explanation is uneven and the final example is insufficiently credible or clearly connected.
Develop two distinct reasons by explaining exactly how media violence could influence crime and supporting each with a plausible, directly relevant example.
Coherence and Cohesion
The four-paragraph structure provides a recognizable progression, although awkward sequencing and unclear referencing weaken cohesion within the body paragraphs.
Give each body paragraph one focused topic sentence and arrange its explanation and example in a clear cause-and-effect sequence.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts varied vocabulary, but frequent inaccurate collocations and word choices such as those describing audiences and social influence reduce precision and naturalness.
Prefer familiar, accurately combined words and check collocations for key ideas such as restricting access, influencing viewers, and reducing crime.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are attempted, but frequent errors in clause construction, agreement, articles, and punctuation sometimes make meaning difficult to recover.
Build accurate simple and compound sentences first, then add one clearly controlled subordinate clause at a time.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to decrease violent crimes in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this point of views?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.