Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world. What are your opinions on this? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples
Sample Response
It is fact that, today’s children are involved in dangerous games which increase the rate of crime. This unconscious crime committed by little-aged children considerably increases in some contemporary cities.
It is not easy to keep an eye on your children, especially when you are busy with another issues at home. Children are interested almost in everything at home. However, they are not capable of distinguish toys or appropriate tools for playing and another things which can cause unwillingly bad accident at home. The most important fact about it is to watch violent videos on TV and fighting games on computers. As a result of watching such programmes every child could want to put it into practise. This can also be seen with clothes washing machine. When parents are not home, children generally use forbidden house equipment. To take similar occasion for example, that was in Turkey. Two boys wanted to play with washing machine when their parents had not been at home. One of them wanted to “wash” the other brother. While pressing the bottom to start it, unfortunately, the little brother was a sacrificed of this terrible accident because of parents’ carelessness. To avoid this, parents should take away every risky thing from their children and limit the watching TV or ban violent video games.
In conclusion, I absolutely agree that, some violent games cause children to take a risk in their lives. This unwanted crime committed by children can turn them a real criminal in the future. The way to play such violent games naturally, increase the crime in mean developed cities, which parents work and can not keep eyes on their children as much as they want in it. Instead of it we have to make all of our efforts on bringing them up in safe atmosphere and educate well. We must not forget that, they are our future. That’s why it must the first and considerable important thing to protect them from every occasion can cause frightening accident.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix article and comma Original: It is fact that, Suggested revision: It is a fact that Why it matters: Fact requires an article, and no comma follows that in this clause.
- 2. Use natural age term Original: little-aged children Suggested revision: young children Why it matters: Little-aged is not a standard English expression.
- 3. Fix plural determiner Original: another Suggested revision: other Why it matters: Another cannot directly modify a plural count noun.
- 4. Place adverb correctly Original: interested almost in everything Suggested revision: interested in almost everything Why it matters: Almost should modify everything rather than interrupt interested in.
- 5. Use gerund after preposition Original: distinguish Suggested revision: distinguishing Why it matters: The preposition of must be followed by the gerund form.
- 6. Fix plural determiner Original: another Suggested revision: other Why it matters: Use other before a plural count noun.
- 7. Use natural collocation Original: unwillingly bad accident Suggested revision: a serious accident Why it matters: The original adverb-adjective combination is not idiomatic and lacks an article.
- 8. Clarify reference and spelling Original: put it into practise Suggested revision: put what they see into practice Why it matters: The revision gives it a clear referent and uses the noun spelling practice.
- 9. Fix noun phrase Original: clothes Suggested revision: a Why it matters: The appliance needs an article, and clothes is unnecessary in its standard name.
- 10. Fix example phrase Original: To take similar occasion for example Suggested revision: To give a similar example Why it matters: This is the conventional phrase for introducing a comparable case.
- 11. Add required article Original: play with washing machine Suggested revision: play with a washing machine Why it matters: The singular count noun washing machine requires an article.
- 12. Correct word choice Original: bottom Suggested revision: button Why it matters: Button names the control that is pressed to start a machine.
Suggested Rewrites
- It is fact that, It is a fact that
- little-aged children young children
- another other
- interested almost in everything interested in almost everything
- distinguish distinguishing
- another other
Why this response received Band 5.0
The response states a definite opinion and includes an extended example, so its general concern about children’s safety is understandable. The main weakness is that most of the discussion concerns household accidents and parental supervision rather than whether violent games cause urban violence and crime; the priority is to build a directly relevant argument, supported by an example, before improving the many language errors.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The writer expresses agreement, but the central example and much of the discussion address domestic accidents rather than the claimed rise in urban violence and crime.
Focus every main idea on the causal link between violent games and criminal behaviour, then support that link with a directly relevant example.
Coherence and Cohesion
Basic paragraphing and some linking are evident, but the oversized body paragraph and shifts among games, household equipment, accidents, and parenting weaken progression.
Separate the argument into focused paragraphs and give each one a clear topic sentence, explanation, and relevant supporting example.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is sufficient to communicate the broad message, but frequent inaccurate formations and collocations create strain and occasional confusion.
Replace awkward phrases such as little-aged children and a sacrificed of this accident with common, precise vocabulary learned in context.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Both simple and complex forms are attempted, but frequent errors in articles, agreement, verb patterns, prepositions, and clause formation reduce clarity.
Build shorter complete sentences first, then check each one for subject-verb agreement, articles, and correct verb complements.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world. What are your opinions on this? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.