Most high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 per cent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extent do you agree?
Sample Response
Most high-ranking positions in companies are being filled by men, despite that more than 50 per cent of the employees are women in a lot of high-income countries. Companies should be forced to dispense a certain proportion of these posts to women. This essay totally agrees with this statement because, by doing this, the relative level of competence in the company as well as the ability to cooperate would increase.
By allocating a certain per cent of high-level positions to women, companies would reach a higher competence level. This is because a lot of women with the right competence are overlooked, since the tradition of male executives are very strong. Allocated recruitment would result in women with high competence rather than mediocre men in those high-level positions. For example, an audit of the relative competence level in one of the biggest investment banks in Sweden showed a significant increase after they decided to allocate at least 40 per cent of their leading positions to women.
Companies with gender equality show better cooperation. In other words, both male and female leaders are needed in a company because men and women contribute with different aspects to the group dynamics. For example, in space shuttles the crew is always formed with a certain per cent of both female and male crewmembers, since cooperation is so vital.
In conclusion, this essay totally agrees with the statement that companies should be obliged to recruit women for a certain percentage of the leading positions because this is a way of increasing both the level of competence and the cooperation in the company.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use the correct linker Original: despite that Suggested revision: although Why it matters: 'Although' correctly introduces a finite clause, whereas 'despite' requires a noun phrase or gerund.
- 2. Correct the verb choice Original: dispense Suggested revision: allocate Why it matters: Positions are allocated, while 'dispense' does not fit this context.
- 3. Use a formal intensifier Original: totally Suggested revision: fully Why it matters: 'Fully agrees' is more appropriate in formal academic prose.
- 4. Remove the misplaced comma Original: because, by doing this, Suggested revision: because doing this, Why it matters: A comma should not separate 'because' from the clause it introduces.
- 5. Improve the collocation Original: reach a higher competence level Suggested revision: achieve a higher level of competence Why it matters: 'Achieve a higher level' is the more natural collocation here.
- 6. Fix agreement and meaning Original: the tradition of male executives are very strong Suggested revision: the tradition of appointing male executives is very strong Why it matters: The singular head noun 'tradition' requires 'is', and 'appointing' clarifies the practice being described.
- 7. Clarify the recruitment policy Original: Allocated recruitment Suggested revision: Quota-based recruitment Why it matters: 'Quota-based recruitment' clearly names the allocation policy under discussion.
- 8. Use concise adjective forms Original: women with high competence rather than mediocre men Suggested revision: highly competent women rather than mediocre men Why it matters: The adjective phrase is more concise and natural than 'women with high competence'.
- 9. Match the singular antecedent Original: they Suggested revision: it Why it matters: The pronoun refers to one investment bank and should therefore be singular.
- 10. Use natural wording Original: contribute with different aspects to the group dynamics Suggested revision: contribute different perspectives to group dynamics Why it matters: 'Contribute perspectives' expresses the intended idea more precisely and idiomatically.
- 11. Use the natural preposition Original: the cooperation in the company Suggested revision: cooperation within the company Why it matters: 'Within' is the more natural preposition for cooperation among members of an organisation.
- 12. Use the simple passive Original: are being filled by men Suggested revision: are filled by men Why it matters: The simple present passive is more concise for describing a general situation.
Suggested Rewrites
- despite that although
- dispense allocate
- totally fully
- because, by doing this, because doing this,
- reach a higher competence level achieve a higher level of competence
- the tradition of male executives are very strong the tradition of appointing male executives is very strong
Why this response received Band 7.0
The essay maintains a clear position throughout and supports it with two distinct, logically sequenced reasons, making the argument easy to follow. The competence argument is developed more convincingly than the cooperation argument, whose space-shuttle example offers only indirect support, and several otherwise ambitious word choices are imprecise. The highest-priority improvement is to deepen the second reason with a workplace-specific causal explanation and use more natural collocations.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A consistent position is supported by two relevant reasons, although the second reason and its example are less fully developed and persuasive.
Explain more specifically how gender-diverse leadership improves workplace cooperation and support this with a directly relevant company example.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is clearly organised, and each paragraph advances one central idea with effective overall progression.
Strengthen the logical connection between the cooperation claim and its example rather than relying on a loosely analogous context.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is sufficiently varied for the argument, but phrases such as 'dispense a certain proportion' and 'allocated recruitment' are imprecise or unnatural.
Use established workplace collocations such as 'reserve a proportion of posts' and 'quota-based recruitment' more consistently.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex sentences is handled with generally good control, despite occasional errors in agreement and clause construction.
Check subject-verb agreement and refine awkward constructions such as 'despite that' and 'contribute with different aspects'.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Most high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 per cent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extent do you agree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.