Some people believe that women should be treated as equal to men when applying for a job with the police or the military. Others think that women are less suitable for this kind of job. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Sample Response
Sample Essay
In recent years gender equality in employment has been the topic of heated debate. While some may argue that women are less suited for certain jobs such as with the police or the military, I believe that female candidates should be treated the same as their male counterparts.
Those who consider women to be unsuited for some kinds of jobs including the police or the military often hold that opinion because such jobs are extremely physically demanding. As the female body has smaller muscles and less physical strength compared to male body, women may have difficulty engaging in strenuous activity which can be exhausting even for men. In military service, female soldiers are more likely to struggle while defending themselves than their male peers when they are forced to move around carrying heavy firearms in the battle, which can increase their risk of mission failure. Because of the hazards and extreme conditions they may encounter, some people advocate that women are not suitable for work in these fields.
Nevertheless, I believe that female applicants should be considered for police or military placements without a gender bias, because women are more suited to certain tasks. In the police service, female officers can perform important roles on some occasions such as a body search where male officers are restricted from touching female convicts. In the military service, female nursing staff are more likely to care better for injured soldiers since maternal instinct makes them dedicated and heart-warming professionals. Furthermore, for the sake of fairness to all, job seekers should have an equal opportunity to choose their jobs freely, regardless of gender. Many women have the desire to work in the police and the military and some of them have relevant expertise and qualifications. Therefore, they should not be discriminated against in employment opportunities for these jobs.
In conclusion, although some say that women are incompatible with police and military duties because of the high physical demands, I believe that they should be treated as equal to men. This is because there are certain roles with the police and the military that are more suitable for women than men, and therefore both genders should have equal employment opportunities.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove source heading Original: Sample Essay Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: This source label is not part of the essay and interrupts the opening.
- 2. Punctuate opening phrase Original: In recent years gender equality Suggested revision: In recent years, gender equality Why it matters: A comma should follow the introductory time phrase.
- 3. Improve job phrasing Original: jobs such as with the police or the military Suggested revision: jobs in the police or military Why it matters: The revision uses the natural preposition for employment in these services.
- 4. Use accurate category Original: some kinds of jobs including the police or the military Suggested revision: some roles in the police or military Why it matters: Police and military are fields of work rather than kinds of jobs themselves.
- 5. Add required article Original: compared to male body Suggested revision: compared with the male body Why it matters: The singular count noun body requires an article in this comparison.
- 6. Remove unnecessary article Original: in the battle Suggested revision: in battle Why it matters: Battle is used without an article when referring generally to combat.
- 7. Use natural reporting verb Original: advocate Suggested revision: argue Why it matters: Argue that naturally introduces a stated opinion, whereas advocate usually takes a policy or cause.
- 8. Clarify employment term Original: police or military placements Suggested revision: positions in the police or military Why it matters: Positions in these services is a clearer expression for the jobs being discussed.
- 9. Use idiomatic phrase Original: without a gender bias Suggested revision: without gender bias Why it matters: Gender bias is normally used as an uncountable concept in this phrase.
- 10. Fix relative structure Original: a body search where Suggested revision: body searches in which Why it matters: In which correctly links the situation to the restriction described afterward.
- 11. Avoid double comparison Original: more likely to care better Suggested revision: likely to provide better care Why it matters: More likely and better create competing comparisons, so the revision states one clear comparison.
- 12. Choose precise adjective Original: heart-warming professionals Suggested revision: compassionate professionals Why it matters: Compassionate describes caring professional conduct more precisely than heart-warming.
Suggested Rewrites
- Sample Essay Delete
- In recent years gender equality In recent years, gender equality
- jobs such as with the police or the military jobs in the police or military
- some kinds of jobs including the police or the military some roles in the police or military
- compared to male body compared with the male body
- in the battle in battle
Why this response received Band 8.0
The essay directly discusses both perspectives, maintains a clear opinion, and develops its arguments through a consistently logical structure, with the case for equal opportunity especially well supported. Its main limitation is occasional imprecision and overgeneralisation in claims about physical ability and gender-specific qualities; refining these claims with more neutral, evidence-based reasoning and slightly more exact collocations would strengthen an already effective response.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views and the writer's position are fully addressed through relevant, extended arguments and clear supporting examples.
Qualify broad gender-based claims and support them with more objective reasoning to make the argument more convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through well-focused paragraphs, and cohesive devices guide the reader smoothly without drawing attention to themselves.
Refine the internal sequencing of the longer supporting paragraph so each example builds even more directly toward the central claim.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and generally precise, with effective topic-specific language despite a few awkward collocations and overgeneralised expressions.
Choose more neutral and exact phrasing for physical capability, occupational roles, and personal qualities.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used accurately, with only occasional article, comparison, and phrasing errors that do not impede meaning.
Polish article use and comparative structures in sentences describing differences between groups.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people believe that women should be treated as equal to men when applying for a job with the police or the military. Others think that women are less suitable for this kind of job. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.