Some say that young people are not suitable for decision-making positions in governments; others however disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
We all know that higher the position, greater are the responsibilities and risk associated. Decision-making positions such as Prime Minister, Defence Minister, Defence Head, Chairman of Central Bank etc. are all associated with huge responsibilities and risks. A person in one of these positions should be mature and wise enough to make important decisions. There are few people who believe that young people should not be allowed to take responsibilities of these positions, while others feel contended that age cannot be a constraining factor for such positions. In this essay, we will discuss both of these two points of view and then present a well-critiqued opinion. Firstly, many people believe that young people are aggressive, impatient and less experienced. They can make a wrong decision which can be proved fatal for everyone. For example, it is often found the young people easily get carried away and try to resolve the issue with violence. On the other hand mature person often adopt a peaceful way to solve the matter. Thus considering the implication of the decision taken at a prime position is considered that young people are not suitable for these positions. They also think that without sufficient experience and capability of handling stress, those positions can’t be served. Another point which is often prescribed by this group is that young people are sometimes driven by their emotion which is unsuitable for a responsible position. On the other hand, many others feel that young people are more energetic, have fresh thinking and idea and they can drastically improve the nation’s position. For instance, Akbar was just 12 years old when he was sworn as a king and was considered as one of the best emperors of Mughal era. The above example and qualities do lead us to establish a link between young people and the growth of a nation. Thus, young people are considered a good choice for top positions. The young owners of successful IT businesses also prove their ability to handle top positions like these. In the last 10 years, the world has witnessed many successful leaders and entrepreneurs that eliminate any doubt we have regarding the ability of young people. Following the above discussion, it is felt that younger people are quite capable of handling the responsibility associated with a top position. However, to eliminate any risk we should allow young people to nurture under the guidance of experienced people for some time.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Comparative structure Original: higher the position, greater are the responsibilities Suggested revision: the higher the position, the greater the responsibilities Why it matters: Use the the...the comparative structure.
- 2. Plural noun Original: risk associated Suggested revision: risks associated with it Why it matters: The sentence needs a plural noun and a complete prepositional phrase.
- 3. Unnatural title Original: Defence Head Suggested revision: head of defence Why it matters: Head of defence is clearer and more natural than Defence Head.
- 4. Quantifier meaning Original: There are few people Suggested revision: Some people Why it matters: Some people is the intended neutral phrase for introducing a view.
- 5. Wrong word choice Original: feel contended Suggested revision: feel convinced Why it matters: Contended means argued; convinced fits the meaning here.
- 6. Unnatural phrase Original: well-critiqued opinion Suggested revision: balanced opinion Why it matters: Balanced opinion is a natural phrase for an IELTS discussion essay.
- 7. Verb form Original: which can be proved fatal Suggested revision: which can prove fatal Why it matters: Prove fatal is the natural verb phrase here.
- 8. Missing that Original: it is often found the young people Suggested revision: it is often found that young people Why it matters: The reporting structure needs that before the clause.
- 9. Article and comma Original: On the other hand mature person Suggested revision: On the other hand, a mature person Why it matters: Add a comma after the linker and an article before the singular noun.
- 10. Missing subject Original: is considered that Suggested revision: it is considered that Why it matters: The passive reporting structure needs it as a dummy subject.
- 11. Imprecise verb Original: served Suggested revision: held Why it matters: People hold positions; they do not usually serve positions.
- 12. Number and collocation Original: fresh thinking and idea Suggested revision: fresh thinking and new ideas Why it matters: The phrase needs a plural noun and a more natural collocation.
Suggested Rewrites
- higher the position, greater are the responsibilities the higher the position, the greater the responsibilities
- risk associated risks associated with it
- Defence Head head of defence
- There are few people Some people
- feel contended feel convinced
- well-critiqued opinion balanced opinion
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay discusses both views and gives a clear final opinion that young people can handle responsibility with guidance. The arguments are relevant and developed with examples, although some examples are broad and the discussion sometimes overgeneralises young people and older leaders.
Make the opinion explicit in the introduction and use one precise government-related example for each side.
Coherence and Cohesion
The sequence of ideas is logical, but the essay is presented as one long paragraph, which weakens organisation. Cohesive links such as firstly, on the other hand, and following the above discussion help progression, but paragraphing is needed.
Use separate paragraphs for the introduction, the argument against young leaders, the argument for young leaders, and your opinion.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is generally adequate and sometimes flexible, with decision-making positions, responsibilities, mature, constraining factor, energetic, entrepreneurs, and nurture. There are several unnatural or inaccurate phrases, including feel contended, well-critiqued opinion, served, and fresh thinking and idea.
Replace awkward collocations with natural phrases such as feel convinced, balanced opinion, hold these positions, and fresh ideas.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
There is a range of sentence structures, and meaning is usually clear. Errors occur with articles, comparative structures, agreement, passive forms, and clause construction, especially in longer sentences.
Check article use before singular countable nouns and avoid very long sentences with several embedded clauses.