Some people believe that young people who commit serious crimes should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
There is an opinion that young offenders should be held accountable for their actions just as adults. While I find this view of some people justifiable to some extent, I also argue that treating both young and mature lawbreakers equally may have adverse effects.
On the one hand, I can understand why a young age should be no deterrent to dealing with criminals. If these juvenile delinquents were easily pardoned in place of receiving strict punishments as adults, they would not become fully aware of the serious consequences of their crimes. Therefore imposing appropriate punishments could prevent them from conducting illegal actions in the future. Besides, young perpetrators usually receive lighter sentences than they deserve, which is an injustice to the victims. In Vietnam, there was a well-known case in which a teenager murdered almost every member of a family deliberately, escaping the death sentence due to being a few months under the responsible age.
On the other hand, I am convinced that juvenile criminals should be tried in a different court from that for adults. Firstly, children are proven not to have sufficient intellectual or moral capacity to understand the outcomes of their misdeeds, so they lack the necessary conditions to be trial defendants as grown-up people. Secondly, when given a second chance, these underage convicts can have an opportunity to successfully rehabilitate and learn a valuable lesson. Thirdly, children can be negatively influenced by some bad role models, which should also be considered to give them a fair trial.
In conclusion, breakers of laws should not be spared of punishments, but I believe young offenders should be dealt with differently from adults.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use direct attribution Original: There is an opinion Suggested revision: Some people believe Why it matters: The revision introduces the reported viewpoint more directly and naturally.
- 2. Remove redundant wording Original: this view of some people Suggested revision: this view Why it matters: ‘Of some people’ repeats information already supplied by the opening sentence.
- 3. Use precise contrast Original: mature Suggested revision: adult Why it matters: ‘Adult’ is the precise counterpart to ‘young’ in the legal-age comparison.
- 4. Use natural collocation Original: conducting illegal actions Suggested revision: committing crimes Why it matters: ‘Commit crimes’ is the standard collocation for carrying out illegal acts.
- 5. Improve adverb placement Original: murdered almost every member of a family deliberately Suggested revision: deliberately murdered almost every member of a family Why it matters: Placing ‘deliberately’ before the verb clearly connects it with the act of murder.
- 6. Use legal-age phrase Original: the responsible age Suggested revision: the age of criminal responsibility Why it matters: ‘Age of criminal responsibility’ is the established phrase for the threshold described.
- 7. Clarify legal capacity Original: conditions to be trial defendants as grown-up people Suggested revision: capacity to stand trial as adults Why it matters: The revision expresses the intended legal concept concisely and idiomatically.
- 8. Remove redundant modal Original: can have an opportunity Suggested revision: have an opportunity Why it matters: ‘An opportunity’ already conveys possibility, making ‘can’ redundant here.
- 9. Use standard noun Original: breakers of laws Suggested revision: lawbreakers Why it matters: ‘Lawbreakers’ is the conventional and concise term for people who break laws.
- 10. Punctuate linking adverb Original: Therefore imposing appropriate punishments Suggested revision: Therefore, imposing appropriate punishments Why it matters: A comma is required after the introductory linking adverb ‘Therefore’.
- 11. Keep terminology consistent Original: perpetrators Suggested revision: offenders Why it matters: ‘Young offenders’ is the more natural term and matches the essay’s earlier wording.
- 12. Use natural expression Original: which is an injustice to the victims Suggested revision: which is unfair to the victims Why it matters: The adjective construction expresses the impact on victims more naturally here.
Suggested Rewrites
- There is an opinion Some people believe
- this view of some people this view
- mature adult
- conducting illegal actions committing crimes
- murdered almost every member of a family deliberately deliberately murdered almost every member of a family
- the responsible age the age of criminal responsibility
Why this response received Band 7.0
The essay offers a clear, balanced consideration of punishment and rehabilitation, supported by a relevant real-world example and logically ordered reasons. Its main limitation is uneven lexical precision, with several unnatural legal collocations and some points concerning young offenders generally rather than serious crimes specifically. The highest priority is to maintain exact task focus while expressing legal concepts in more natural, accurate language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response presents a clear position and develops relevant arguments on both accountability and different treatment for young offenders.
Keep every argument explicitly focused on young people who commit serious crimes and develop the final supporting points more fully.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay progresses logically through well-defined paragraphs, although the numbered sequencing in the third paragraph is somewhat mechanical.
Link the rehabilitation, maturity, and influence points through their logical relationships instead of relying mainly on numbered transitions.
Lexical Resource
There is sufficient range for the topic, but recurrent awkward collocations and imprecise legal expressions limit naturalness.
Use more idiomatic legal phrases for criminal responsibility, sentencing, eligibility for trial, and exemption from punishment.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied complex sentences with generally good control, despite several awkward constructions and prepositional choices.
Revise comparative court structures and passive clauses to ensure their relationships and intended meanings are grammatically precise.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people believe that young people who commit serious crimes should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.