Young people committing crimes should be treated the same as adults by the authorities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
There are reformers today who argue that adults and young people should be treated equally under the law. In my opinion, despite the ostensible fairness of this proposal, it disregards crucial psychological differences.
Those who believe all ages should receive equal treatment, point out that this will engender a greater deterring effect. The main reason that all individuals in society are punished is not for justice alone, but as a means to ensure others will not commit similar crimes. Young people learn in school and the world generally that their actions will have consequences and that crimes are punishable with prison time and other penalties. If these censures are weakened, then the chances a young person will attempt to commit a crime will logically increase, even if the total number of young people engaging in criminal behavior today is lower than at any point in human history.
However, age is a just mitigating factor. Adults who commit crimes have had more time to develop socially and intellectually while young people might not fully grasp the consequences of their choices for themselves and others. For instance, there have been recent cases where young people were influenced by extremist elements now pervasive in social media. Young people are more impressionable in these situations and often lack the confidence and maturity to think for themselves. This vulnerability extends to their emotional and intellectual development and justifies laws that protect young people from receiving overly harsh sentences.
In conclusion, though there are practical reasons to support equal punishments for all ages, this alteration would be unfair to young people. Courts should consider a range of factors before selecting an appropriate punishment.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove stray comma Original: equal treatment, Suggested revision: equal treatment Why it matters: The comma incorrectly separates the subject clause from its verb.
- 2. Use natural collocation Original: engender a greater deterring effect Suggested revision: create a stronger deterrent Why it matters: Stronger deterrent is the conventional expression for an increased preventive effect.
- 3. Use reason why Original: that Suggested revision: why Why it matters: Why naturally introduces the explanation associated with a reason.
- 4. Clarify the locations Original: learn in school and the world generally Suggested revision: learn both at school and in wider society Why it matters: The parallel both-and structure makes the two learning contexts clear.
- 5. Correct the collocation Original: punishable with prison time Suggested revision: punishable by imprisonment Why it matters: Punishable by is the standard collocation for a legal penalty.
- 6. Use precise legal term Original: censures Suggested revision: penalties Why it matters: Penalties accurately refers to the punishments described in the preceding sentence.
- 7. Add a that-clause Original: the chances a young person Suggested revision: the likelihood that a young person Why it matters: Likelihood that creates a grammatically complete and more formal construction.
- 8. Choose the right adjective Original: just Suggested revision: legitimate Why it matters: Legitimate expresses that age is a valid consideration, whereas just is awkward here.
- 9. Mark the contrast Original: socially and intellectually while Suggested revision: socially and intellectually, while Why it matters: A comma helps separate the contrasted clauses joined by while.
- 10. Correct the preposition Original: pervasive in social media Suggested revision: prevalent on social media Why it matters: Prevalent on social media is the natural collocation for widespread online content.
- 11. Clarify the relationship Original: extends to their emotional and intellectual development Suggested revision: stems from their incomplete emotional and intellectual development Why it matters: Stems from correctly presents incomplete development as the source of the vulnerability.
- 12. Use a clear reference Original: alteration Suggested revision: policy Why it matters: Policy clearly refers back to treating young offenders like adults.
Suggested Rewrites
- equal treatment, equal treatment
- engender a greater deterring effect create a stronger deterrent
- that why
- learn in school and the world generally learn both at school and in wider society
- punishable with prison time punishable by imprisonment
- censures penalties
Why this response received Band 8.0
The essay sustains a clear disagreement and gives a logically balanced explanation of deterrence and young people's reduced maturity, supported by a relevant social-media example. Its main limitation is that a few assertions are insufficiently qualified or slightly tangential, especially the historical crime-rate claim. The highest-priority improvement is to keep every supporting point tightly tied to whether equal legal treatment is justified.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response directly answers the question, maintains a clear position, and develops both the opposing rationale and its rebuttal substantially.
Replace the unsupported historical crime-rate aside with evidence that more directly tests the claimed deterrent effect.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument is organised into a clear progression, with focused paragraphs and cohesive links that make the contrast easy to follow.
Integrate the final sentence of the deterrence paragraph more closely with its central line of reasoning to avoid a minor digression.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and generally precise, including effective language for legal, psychological, and social distinctions.
Polish occasional unnatural collocations such as 'deterring effect' and 'pervasive in social media' to improve idiomatic precision.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex sentence forms are handled with strong control, and the few punctuation or preposition errors do not impede communication.
Check comma placement around subject clauses and refine preposition choices to make already sophisticated sentences fully accurate.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Young people committing crimes should be treated the same as adults by the authorities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.