Nowadays young people are admiring media and sports stars, even though they do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
Sample Response
The younger generation are having great admiration for media and sport celebrities although they are not perfect role models to follow. In my view, this could be seen as detrimental.
From one standpoint, emulating famous entertainment stars might spark changing patterns of fashion and behavior among young adults who are not mature enough to judge what is suitable within their society. As matter of fact, they show a propensity for copying what those stars say or do on TV, even if their actions go against the cultural value of some localities. Regarding fashion, the way Dam Vinh Hung, who is a renowned Vietnamese singer, dresses would be the onset of a modern yet rather unacceptable trend of fashion with exposed skin. Unfortunately, the young have yet to understand the long-term shortcomings of such a trend to traditional way of dressing which values the beauty and elegance of clothes such as the Ao Dai.
Additionally, such reverence for celebrities in the field of entertainment would possibly cause a detriment to social security under certain circumstances. A typical example of this is the chaos during and after Korean singers and musical bands’ show in Vietnam a few years ago when the crowd of fans went uncontrollable, which caused irritation for the locals and also danger to the fans themselves. Furthermore, if their idols were criticized due to their scandals, they would try to sugar-coat the situation or even trigger arguments. This would be really challenging for authorities to maintain security.
In conclusion, I suppose the phenomenon that young people idolize media and sport celebrated individuals who are notorious in some aspects is negative.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix agreement and aspect Original: The younger generation are having great admiration Suggested revision: The younger generation has great admiration Why it matters: Generation is singular here, and the simple present is appropriate for a general state.
- 2. Remove redundancy Original: role models to follow Suggested revision: role models Why it matters: The meaning of follow is already contained in role models.
- 3. Use natural transition Original: standpoint Suggested revision: perspective Why it matters: From one perspective is the more natural transition for introducing this viewpoint.
- 4. Fix collocation Original: spark changing patterns Suggested revision: spark changes in patterns Why it matters: Spark changes in patterns is the correct noun construction for shifts in fashion and behavior.
- 5. Use natural preposition Original: within Suggested revision: in Why it matters: In is the more natural preposition for judging what a society considers suitable.
- 6. Add missing article Original: As matter of fact Suggested revision: As a matter of fact Why it matters: The fixed expression requires the indefinite article a.
- 7. Use plural noun Original: value Suggested revision: values Why it matters: The reference is to a community’s multiple shared principles, so the plural is needed.
- 8. Choose precise group Original: localities Suggested revision: communities Why it matters: Communities identifies the social groups whose cultural values are being discussed more precisely.
- 9. Fix awkward expression Original: would be the onset of Suggested revision: could mark the beginning of Why it matters: Mark the beginning of expresses the causal possibility naturally and clearly.
- 10. Clarify modifier Original: with exposed skin Suggested revision: that exposes skin Why it matters: A relative clause clearly links the exposure of skin to the fashion trend.
- 11. Use concise collocation Original: such reverence for celebrities in the field of entertainment would possibly cause a detriment to Suggested revision: such reverence for entertainment celebrities could threaten Why it matters: Could threaten expresses the proposed harm directly and avoids the awkward phrase cause a detriment to.
- 12. Fix preposition Original: criticized due to their scandals Suggested revision: criticized for their scandals Why it matters: Criticized takes for when introducing the reason for criticism.
Suggested Rewrites
- The younger generation are having great admiration The younger generation has great admiration
- role models to follow role models
- standpoint perspective
- spark changing patterns spark changes in patterns
- within in
- As matter of fact As a matter of fact
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response takes a clear negative position and supports it with two logically sequenced, concrete examples concerning cultural influence and public order. Its main limitation is recurring awkward collocation and phrasing, which sometimes makes otherwise relevant ideas sound imprecise; the highest-priority improvement is to use more natural word combinations and tighten the causal explanation linking celebrity admiration to each claimed social consequence.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response presents a clear position and develops two relevant negative effects with specific examples, though some causal claims could be more fully justified.
Explain more precisely how admiration itself produces each consequence and acknowledge the wider reference to both media and sports figures.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically organised into focused paragraphs, with clear progression and generally effective cohesion throughout.
Tighten a few long explanatory sentences so that each example connects more directly to its paragraph's central claim.
Lexical Resource
The response demonstrates a good range of less common vocabulary, but recurring awkward or inaccurate collocations reduce naturalness and precision.
Use more idiomatic combinations in places such as have great admiration, cause harm, became uncontrollable, and sports celebrities.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are used frequently and meaning remains clear, although errors with articles, agreement, and complements occur across the response.
Check article use, noun modifiers, and adjective complements carefully, especially in longer sentences containing examples and relative clauses.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Nowadays young people are admiring media and sports stars, even though they do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.