Some people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on different factors. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
The meaning of happiness is different to people, and thus some people argue that economic prosperity has a direct influence on happiness, while others claim that different other factors contribute to attaining happiness. This essay will explore both perspectives and argue that happiness depends on a number of things rather than just the money someone has.
The proponents of monetary success for happiness say that people with good earnings have more prosperous lives than ordinary citizens. They keep arguing that the financially affluent can fulfil their desire and buy things that give them pleasure. For instance, when people buy a dream car or go on a luxury vacation, it gives them a happy sensation. They can also help people and give money to charity or the poor - which is proven to bring self-importance and a sense of satisfaction.
However, another group of people say that money alone can not bring happiness, and we need a combination of different things to be happy in life. First, health is a pivotal constituent of a happy life. This is not surprising that a healthy person - with or without money, enjoys a pleasant lifestyle and has a tendency to participate in diverse activities that could be a source of joy. Additionally, wholesome relations with family, friends and immediate social circle make people happier and more relaxed. This is why many poor, despite their lack of money, express that they are happy when many rich suffer from depression and sadness. Family and social relations play an important role here.
To conclude, I would like to say that the role of economic success is important to some extent for achieving happiness but other factors have more significant consideration in this regard. This is why not all rich are happy while many poor have a happy life.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural expression Original: different to people Suggested revision: different for each person Why it matters: Different for each person accurately expresses variation between individuals.
- 2. Remove redundant modifier Original: different other factors Suggested revision: other factors Why it matters: Other already distinguishes these factors, so different is unnecessary.
- 3. Use natural collocation Original: attaining Suggested revision: achieving Why it matters: Achieving happiness is the more natural collocation.
- 4. Use concise expression Original: just the money someone has Suggested revision: income alone Why it matters: Income alone expresses the contrast more directly and formally.
- 5. Clarify the relationship Original: proponents of monetary success for happiness Suggested revision: proponents of a link between wealth and happiness Why it matters: The revision clearly states the relationship that this group supports.
- 6. Use precise income term Original: people with good earnings Suggested revision: people with high incomes Why it matters: High incomes is more precise and natural than good earnings.
- 7. Remove redundancy Original: the financially affluent Suggested revision: affluent people Why it matters: Affluent already means financially wealthy, so financially is redundant.
- 8. Use plural noun Original: desire Suggested revision: desires Why it matters: The general reference to multiple things people want requires the plural noun.
- 9. Clarify charitable action Original: help people and give money to charity or the poor Suggested revision: help others by giving money to charities or people in need Why it matters: The revision removes repetition and creates parallel, precise recipients.
- 10. Avoid unsupported passive Original: which is proven to bring Suggested revision: which can bring Why it matters: Can expresses a possible benefit without the vague passive claim is proven.
- 11. Choose intended meaning Original: importance Suggested revision: worth Why it matters: Self-worth means positive personal value, whereas self-importance suggests an inflated view of oneself.
- 12. Use precise academic term Original: a number of things Suggested revision: a range of factors Why it matters: Factors is more precise than things when describing influences on happiness.
Suggested Rewrites
- different to people different for each person
- different other factors other factors
- attaining achieving
- just the money someone has income alone
- proponents of monetary success for happiness proponents of a link between wealth and happiness
- people with good earnings people with high incomes
Why this response received Band 7.0
The essay clearly discusses both views and maintains a well-defined opinion, using relevant examples and an easy-to-follow structure. Its main weakness is recurrent imprecision in vocabulary and grammar, which makes several otherwise sound points awkward; the highest-priority improvement is to use natural collocations and control articles, agreement, and clause structure more consistently.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both perspectives are addressed, a clear opinion is sustained, and the main ideas receive relevant explanation and examples.
Deepen the comparison by explaining more precisely why health and relationships outweigh financial comfort in the writer's view.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is logically organised, with clear paragraph purposes and generally effective progression between contrasting views.
Reduce repeated restatement near the end of the third paragraph and make the final comparison more concise.
Lexical Resource
The response shows a good range of topic vocabulary, but several collocations and word choices are unnatural or imprecise.
Use more natural expressions for happiness and wealth, avoiding phrases such as 'happy sensation' and 'significant consideration'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures communicates ideas clearly, though article, agreement, and clause-construction errors recur.
Practise accurate noun phrases and introductory clauses, especially structures such as 'It is unsurprising that' and 'many wealthy people'.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on different factors. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.