Some people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on different factors. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
The concept of personal happiness has long been a topic of debate. While some individuals believe that economic success is the key to happiness, others argue that happiness is influenced by a multitude of factors beyond financial prosperity. This essay will explore both perspectives and provide an opinion that happiness depends on different factors and nol just only the money one earns.
Those who believe that personal happiness is directly related to economic success argue that financial stability provides individuals with the means to fulfil their desires and lead a comfortable life. They contend that having a secure income, access to resources, and the ability to afford luxuries and experiences contribute significantly to overall well-being. Moreover, they highlight how financial security can reduce stress and worry, enhancing one's mental and emotional state. To illustrate, consider the case of a successful entrepreneur who has achieved substantial wealth. He enjoys the freedom to pursue his passions, travel the world, and engage in leisure activities that bring him joy. His financial success allows him to lead a fulfilling life, thus supporting the notion that economic prosperity can lead to personal happiness.
On the other hand, proponents of the opposing view argue that personal happiness is influenced by a variety of factors that extend beyond financial achievements. They emphasize the importance of interpersonal relationships, physical and mental well-being, personal growth, and a sense of purpose in one's life. According to this perspective, happiness stems from experiences, connections, and self-fulfilment rather than material wealth alone. For instance, consider a teacher who earns a modest salary but derives immense happiness from making a positive impact on her students' lives. Despite her limited financial resources, she finds fulfilment in her profession and the meaningful relationships she has built with her students.
In my opinion, while economic success can contribute to personal happiness to some extent by providing financial security and opportunities, it is not the sole determinant of overall well-being. Happiness is a complex construct influenced by a wide range of factors, including relationships, health, personal growth, and finding purpose in life.
Therefore, it is crucial to recognize the multifaceted nature of happiness. This way, individuals can strive for holistic well-being and pursue a sense of fulfilment beyond material wealth alone.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use concise quantity phrase Original: multitude Suggested revision: range Why it matters: “A range of factors” expresses the same idea more concisely.
- 2. Clarify result link Original: enhancing one's mental and emotional state Suggested revision: thereby improving one's mental and emotional well-being Why it matters: “Thereby” makes the result relationship with reduced stress explicit.
- 3. Simplify example marker Original: To illustrate, consider the case of Suggested revision: For example, consider Why it matters: The shorter marker introduces the illustration more directly.
- 4. Make activity concise Original: engage in leisure activities that bring him joy Suggested revision: enjoy leisure activities Why it matters: The concise phrase preserves the idea without the wordy relative clause.
- 5. Avoid awkward label Original: opposing Suggested revision: alternative Why it matters: “Alternative view” is a more neutral and natural label for the second perspective.
- 6. Use precise economic term Original: achievements Suggested revision: success Why it matters: “Financial success” matches the economic concept used throughout the response.
- 7. Reduce repeated happiness Original: derives immense happiness from making Suggested revision: gains great satisfaction from making Why it matters: The revision avoids repeating “happiness” while preserving the positive meaning.
- 8. Keep list parallel Original: and finding purpose in life Suggested revision: and a sense of purpose Why it matters: A noun phrase maintains parallel structure with “relationships,” “health,” and “personal growth”.
- 9. Use complete connector Original: This way Suggested revision: In this way Why it matters: “In this way” is the complete linking phrase for referring to the preceding recommendation.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: This essay will explore both perspectives and provide an opinion that happiness depends on different factors and nol just only the money one earns. Suggested revision: This essay will explore both perspectives and argue that happiness depends on many factors, not just the money a person earns. Why it matters: The rewrite corrects the spelling error, removes the redundant negatives, and uses a natural verb for stating a view.
- 11. Condense supporting example Suggested revision: Tighten the entrepreneur example so the activities and their link to the financial-success claim form one focused sequence. Why it matters: The final two sentences repeat the same connection between wealth, fulfilment, and happiness.
Suggested Rewrites
- multitude range
- enhancing one's mental and emotional state thereby improving one's mental and emotional well-being
- To illustrate, consider the case of For example, consider
- engage in leisure activities that bring him joy enjoy leisure activities
- opposing alternative
- achievements success
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response discusses both perspectives evenly and gives a clear, nuanced opinion, supported by well-chosen contrasting examples of an entrepreneur and a teacher. Its main limitation is modest repetition of the central vocabulary and a small amount of formulaic framing, plus one conspicuous introductory typo. The priority is to edit for concision and lexical variety while preserving the strong balance and depth of development.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are explored in depth with relevant examples, and the writer's qualified opinion is clear and consistently supported.
Make the final paragraph synthesize the relative contribution of money and non-financial factors rather than mainly restating the position.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is logically organized, with balanced body paragraphs and cohesive progression from competing views to a reasoned opinion.
Combine the two short concluding paragraphs or give each a more distinct function to make the ending more economical.
Lexical Resource
A wide and precise academic vocabulary expresses financial security, well-being, purpose, and fulfilment with strong control.
Vary repeated references to "happiness" and "financial" where concise pronouns or accurate synonyms would avoid unnecessary repetition.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex sentence forms are varied and consistently accurate, apart from an isolated typo and awkward wording in the introductory opinion statement.
Proofread the introduction to replace "nol just only" with the concise and grammatical phrase "not only the money one earns."
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on different factors. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.