The birth rate in most developed countries is predicted to fall over the next 50 years. By 2030 it is estimated that over one-third of the population in most developed countries will be aged 65 and over. What effects will the predictions have in developed countries if they prove true? What can be done now to deal with this situation? What is your view?
Sample Response
The predictions show that the birth rate in industrial nations will decline over the next half of the century. Estimations have reported that over 30% of technologically advanced societies will get 65 years old and over by 2030. This alarming trend leads to decreasing population, tax incomes and active labour. Falling birth rate yields a plethora of hurdles. At first, the low rate of pregnancy among women results in declining the population of the country. Furthermore, this hitch causes the reduction of taxable incomes, so the government must spend a huge amount of budget for medical care and social services in order to support old people. Finally, the third obstacle of this condition is the plunge of an active workforce. On the other hand, economic experts have suggested a host of solutions for this upheaval. The first effective solution is fortifying incentive policies for rising fertility rate among young couples. As a prime example, the government can pay a subsidy for any newborn kids. In addition, the second technique of problem-solving that can reform this dilemma is expediting immigration of young skilled workers and experienced engineers from less developed countries. Nowadays, a wide spectrum of states implements this policy. As an outstanding instance, Australia has facilitated the entrance of migrants. Thus the government publishes a list of required labour in certain fields based on specific criteria annually. In conclusion, the drop of birth rate escalates a number of challenges such as shortage of labour forces, the peak of old age group and the exacerbate of social services and health cares. These disastrous crises can be modified by executing beneficial methods like the financial support of couples for raise of fertility and accelerating of immigration processes.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural reporting phrase Original: Estimations have reported Suggested revision: Estimates indicate Why it matters: This phrase needs the noun and reporting verb normally used for numerical projections.
- 2. Correct age expression Original: get 65 years old and over Suggested revision: be aged 65 or over Why it matters: English uses be aged, rather than get years old, for this projected age group.
- 3. Add article and adjective Original: decreasing population Suggested revision: a declining population Why it matters: A singular count noun needs an article, and declining is the natural modifier here.
- 4. Use fiscal collocation Original: incomes Suggested revision: revenues Why it matters: Tax revenue is the standard term for government income from taxation.
- 5. Name the workforce Original: active labour Suggested revision: the active workforce Why it matters: Active workforce expresses the intended group more precisely than active labour.
- 6. Add missing article Original: Falling birth rate Suggested revision: A falling birth rate Why it matters: The singular countable phrase birth rate requires an article.
- 7. Use sequence marker Original: At first Suggested revision: First Why it matters: First introduces the first item in a list, whereas at first usually signals a later change.
- 8. Correct complement form Original: results in declining Suggested revision: results in a decline in Why it matters: The noun phrase a decline in correctly completes results in before population.
- 9. Use formal reference Original: hitch Suggested revision: problem Why it matters: Problem is clearer and more appropriately formal in this context.
- 10. Clarify government revenue Original: the reduction of taxable incomes Suggested revision: a reduction in tax revenue Why it matters: Tax revenue accurately refers to the government funds being reduced.
- 11. Correct budget collocation Original: spend a huge amount of budget Suggested revision: allocate a large share of its budget Why it matters: A government allocates a share of its budget rather than spending an amount of budget.
- 12. Express workforce decline Original: the plunge of an active workforce Suggested revision: a sharp decline in the active workforce Why it matters: A decline in the workforce is the natural construction for this reduction.
Suggested Rewrites
- Estimations have reported Estimates indicate
- get 65 years old and over be aged 65 or over
- decreasing population a declining population
- incomes revenues
- active labour the active workforce
- Falling birth rate A falling birth rate
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response identifies several important consequences of population ageing and proposes two relevant policy responses, including fertility incentives and skilled immigration. Its main limitation is that the requested personal view remains implicit, while many ideas are expressed through strained or inaccurate wording and the whole essay lacks paragraph divisions. The highest-priority improvement is to state a clear view and develop the effects and solutions in separate paragraphs using direct cause-and-effect explanations.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The effects and possible responses are relevant and reasonably developed, but the writer does not explicitly present the personal view requested by the task.
State a clear opinion on the seriousness of the trend and which policy should be prioritised, then justify that choice.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses recognisably from consequences to solutions and conclusion, but the single-paragraph format and mechanical sequencing weaken organisation.
Use distinct paragraphs for the demographic effects, fiscal and labour effects, policy responses, and final position.
Lexical Resource
The writer attempts a broad policy and demographic range, but frequent inaccurate collocations and word forms reduce precision.
Use natural phrases such as 'an ageing population', 'tax revenue', 'a shrinking workforce', 'fertility incentives', and 'facilitate skilled immigration'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A variety of structures conveys the main ideas, although errors with articles, verb patterns, countability, and noun forms occur regularly.
Revise forms such as 'results in a population decline', 'allocate a large budget', and 'financial support to raise fertility rates'.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The birth rate in most developed countries is predicted to fall over the next 50 years. By 2030 it is estimated that over one-third of the population in most developed countries will be aged 65 and over. What effects will the predictions have in developed countries if they prove true? What can be done now to deal with this situation? What is your view?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.