Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Sample Response
While some opine that females are equally adept as men in playing important roles in a country's police or defence force, others beg to disagree. This essay will discuss both views and opine that the roles of women in these sectors are definitely crucial and they are no less qualified than men in performing their duties.
On the one hand, some believe that females are not suitable to perform their duties in the police force or army due to the difficult job situations and challenges those jobs pose and therefore they should not be accepted in those jobs. They cite the delicate physical structures and kind nature of females. In addition, they point out that emotionally women are tender and cannot take harsh decisions that are often required in such jobs. For instance, a woman could excel over men in teaching children in school or taking care of patients in a hospital as a doctor but when it comes to fighting and killing enemies in a battleground, that might not go well with their natural capability and tender nature. This is why they are against enrolling women in such positions.
On the other hand, others argue that both men and women should be equally accepted in a nation's defence force as they have the same capability and talent to perform these jobs. They keep arguing that having both genders in the police force can maintain social justice far better than the policy in which a country has all-male police. This is because a woman can deal with a female criminal or victim than their male counterpart. They can also bring a diversity of talents to the defence forces. As a prime example, British female defence officers were extremely successful in exposing the Germans' schemes in World War II. Had they been not allowed to participate in the army plans, the fate of the war could have been different.
In conclusion, while some may think that females cannot become suitable police or army personnel, and therefore should not be hired in these fields, others have compelling reasons to agree to hire them in those sectors. Personally, I believe that having both genders in a country's police and defence forces has far greater benefits and therefore should be promoted.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct comparison Original: equally Suggested revision: as Why it matters: The standard comparative structure is ‘as adept as’, without ‘equally’.
- 2. Use natural reporting verb Original: opine Suggested revision: argue Why it matters: ‘Argue’ is more natural than ‘opine’ when stating the essay’s position.
- 3. Use precise collocation Original: difficult job situations Suggested revision: difficult working conditions Why it matters: ‘Working conditions’ is the conventional phrase for challenging circumstances at work.
- 4. Clarify physical claim Original: delicate physical structures Suggested revision: perceived physical limitations Why it matters: ‘Physical structures’ does not naturally describe people’s strength or fitness.
- 5. Improve word order Original: emotionally women are tender Suggested revision: women are emotionally sensitive Why it matters: This revision uses natural adverb placement and a more appropriate adjective.
- 6. Correct decision collocation Original: take harsh decisions Suggested revision: make difficult decisions Why it matters: English uses ‘make a decision’, and ‘difficult’ fits the intended meaning better than ‘harsh’.
- 7. Use correct verb Original: excel over men Suggested revision: outperform men Why it matters: ‘Excel over’ is not an idiomatic way to express performing better than someone.
- 8. Correct preposition Original: in a battleground Suggested revision: on the battlefield Why it matters: The conventional expression is ‘on the battlefield’.
- 9. Use plural nouns Original: same capability and talent Suggested revision: same capabilities and talents Why it matters: Plural nouns better match the multiple abilities attributed to both groups.
- 10. Use precise verb Original: maintain Suggested revision: promote Why it matters: ‘Promote’ more naturally describes helping to advance social justice.
- 11. Complete the comparison Original: a woman can deal with a female criminal or victim than their male counterpart Suggested revision: a female officer can deal with a female criminal or victim more effectively than a male officer can Why it matters: The original comparison lacks a comparative form and has an unclear pronoun reference.
- 12. Fix negative inversion Original: Had they been not allowed Suggested revision: Had they not been allowed Why it matters: In an inverted third conditional, ‘not’ comes immediately after the subject.
Suggested Rewrites
- equally as
- opine argue
- difficult job situations difficult working conditions
- delicate physical structures perceived physical limitations
- emotionally women are tender women are emotionally sensitive
- take harsh decisions make difficult decisions
Why this response received Band 7.5
The response addresses both perspectives clearly, maintains a firm opinion, and develops each side with relevant reasoning and examples. Its main weakness is imprecision in several claims and expressions, including broad gender generalisations and awkward comparisons, which reduce the authority of an otherwise well-organised argument. The highest-priority improvement is to frame the evidence more objectively and edit complex sentences for precise comparison, reference, and word order.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are directly discussed, the writer's position is consistently clear, and the main ideas receive relevant explanation and examples.
Replace broad assumptions about gender with more objective, carefully qualified evidence to make the discussion more convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
The four-paragraph structure supports clear progression, and cohesive devices guide the reader smoothly through the contrasting views.
Tighten a few long sentences and clarify pronoun references so that every relationship between ideas is immediately transparent.
Lexical Resource
A broad vocabulary conveys the argument effectively, although repetition and several awkward collocations reduce precision and naturalness.
Use more exact, neutral wording and revise combinations such as comparisons and job-related expressions for natural collocation.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied complex structures successfully, but occasional errors in comparison, pronoun agreement, and word order remain noticeable.
Proofread complex sentences for complete comparative forms, consistent reference, and natural auxiliary placement.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.