The two pie charts below show some employment patterns in Great Britain in 1992.
Sample Response
The pie charts outline employment scenario of British males and females in six job sectors in 1992. It is obvious that manual jobs were predominantly done by males whereas a higher percentage of females did clerical jobs. Moreover, managerial and craft related jobs were engaged by a higher proportion of both genders. As the illustration indicates, more percentages of British males worked in manual sectors, except in craft-related industries, compared to their female counterparts. For instance, 2% general labourers in Great Britain were men while the female labourers’ ratio was half of that. Moreover, 24% males worked in numerous other manual jobs while this was only 3% for females. Nevertheless, 27% females in craft-related industries marginally exceeded the ratio of males in the same sector. Looking further into the data, non-manual professions included managerial & professional, clerical and other non-manual jobs. Interestingly, employment rates of females in clerical was five times higher than that of males. This is the job category that many females (31%) we engaged in. Besides, over one-third males were in managerial and professional jobs while almost 30% females were in these positions as well.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural chart term Original: employment scenario Suggested revision: the employment patterns Why it matters: Employment patterns is the natural phrase and also supplies the missing article.
- 2. Use person nouns Original: British males and females Suggested revision: British men and women Why it matters: Men and women is more natural when referring to people in employment.
- 3. Name categories precisely Original: six job sectors Suggested revision: six occupational categories Why it matters: The chart groups occupations rather than economic sectors.
- 4. Use employment collocation Original: were predominantly done by males Suggested revision: were predominantly held by men Why it matters: Jobs are held or performed, not done by a gender group in this construction.
- 5. Refine job wording Original: females did clerical jobs Suggested revision: women worked in clerical roles Why it matters: This is a more natural description of employment by category.
- 6. Refer to both charts Original: the illustration Suggested revision: the charts Why it matters: The task contains two pie charts rather than one illustration.
- 7. Fix comparative quantity Original: more percentages of Suggested revision: higher percentages of Why it matters: Percentages are higher or lower, not more or fewer in this construction.
- 8. Complete the comparison Original: compared to their female counterparts Suggested revision: than their female counterparts did Why it matters: The revised clause gives the comparison a grammatically complete verb reference.
- 9. Clarify percentage base Original: 2% general labourers in Great Britain were men Suggested revision: 2% of employed men were general labourers Why it matters: The chart shows the share of male employment, not the share of all general labourers who were men.
- 10. Use comparison figure Original: female labourers’ ratio Suggested revision: corresponding figure for women Why it matters: The original phrase does not describe the chart's within-gender percentage clearly.
- 11. Add percentage preposition Original: 24% males Suggested revision: 24% of men Why it matters: Of is required between a percentage and the group it describes.
- 12. Match category label Original: numerous other manual jobs Suggested revision: other manual jobs Why it matters: Other manual is one chart category, not a statement that numerous jobs were counted.
Suggested Rewrites
- employment scenario the employment patterns
- British males and females British men and women
- six job sectors six occupational categories
- were predominantly done by males were predominantly held by men
- females did clerical jobs women worked in clerical roles
- the illustration the charts
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response selects the major contrasts well and supports them with accurate percentages, particularly for other manual, clerical, craft-related, and managerial work. Its main limitation is recurring grammatical imprecision in otherwise varied sentences, including missing "of," agreement errors, and the typo "we engaged," while the single-paragraph format weakens the visual grouping. Prioritise a careful grammar check and separate the overview, manual comparisons, and non-manual comparisons into paragraphs.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
A clear overview and well-selected, accurate figures capture the central gender contrasts in both manual and non-manual employment.
Add the smaller other non-manual category to make coverage more complete without sacrificing the focus on major patterns.
Coherence and Cohesion
The report progresses logically from an overview through manual and non-manual categories, with clear relationships between comparisons despite its single-paragraph presentation.
Make the existing organisation more visible by placing the overview, manual details, and non-manual details in separate paragraphs.
Lexical Resource
A sufficiently broad range of employment vocabulary supports precise comparisons, although phrases such as "more percentages" and "jobs were engaged" are unnatural.
Use conventional constructions such as "a higher proportion worked" and "people were employed in" for greater lexical precision.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Varied simple and complex structures generally communicate clearly, but recurring missing words, agreement errors, and the "we engaged" typo weaken accuracy.
Proofread noun phrases and subject-verb agreement, particularly adding "of" after percentages and ensuring verbs agree with plural rates or proportions.
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