The graph below shows the different home activities among young children in four different countries. Home a ctivities among young children
Sample Response
The bar chart shows data on young children's indoor activities in Malaysia, China, Nigeria and Sudan.
As is obvious, playing computer games is the most popular leisure activity among children in these countries, and reading books is less common among Nigerian and Sudanese children. Interestingly, watching TV is the second most popular pastime and equally preferred by children in all these four countries. As the diagram suggests, computer games are quite popular among children in these countries as half of the children in Malaysia and Sudan play computer games. The ratio of children involved in this activity in Nigeria is even higher while four in ten offsprings in China play computer games. Watching TV programmes is another preferred home activity among youngsters as 30% of children in these countries follow TV when they are home. Board games are picked up by almost a quarter of the boys and girls in Malaysia and China while it is most popular in Sudan with 30% active participants in this activity. Finally, reading is not as common as other indoor activities are and the highest ratio of child readers reside in Malaysia, 20%. Only 10% Nigerian and Sudanese children read books when home and this ratio is 15% in China.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use an overview marker Original: As is obvious Suggested revision: Overall Why it matters: 'Overall' signals the summary of the chart's principal patterns more directly.
- 2. Remove subjective framing Original: Interestingly, Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: The adverb adds a subjective reaction rather than reporting the data objectively.
- 3. Remove redundant determiner Original: all these four countries Suggested revision: all four countries Why it matters: Use either 'these four countries' or 'all four countries', not both determiners together.
- 4. State the exact pattern Original: quite popular among children in these countries Suggested revision: the most popular activity in all four countries Why it matters: Computer games have the highest percentage in each country, so the stronger comparison is supported by the chart.
- 5. Clarify the data link Original: as half of Suggested revision: with half of Why it matters: 'With' introduces the supporting percentage more cleanly than a second causal 'as' clause.
- 6. Use the correct noun Original: offsprings Suggested revision: children Why it matters: 'Offspring' does not normally take this plural form, and 'children' matches the chart label.
- 7. Use the natural collocation Original: follow TV Suggested revision: watch television Why it matters: English uses 'watch television' for this activity, not 'follow TV'.
- 8. Use concise phrasing Original: when they are home Suggested revision: at home Why it matters: 'At home' expresses the location more naturally and concisely.
- 9. Choose the correct verb Original: picked up Suggested revision: played Why it matters: Board games are 'played'; 'picked up' does not describe participation in the activity here.
- 10. Report the exact value Original: almost a quarter Suggested revision: exactly a quarter Why it matters: The chart gives 25% for both Malaysia and China, which is exactly one quarter.
- 11. Match the chart label Original: boys and girls Suggested revision: children Why it matters: The chart groups all participants as children without a gender breakdown.
- 12. Match the plural subject Original: it is most popular Suggested revision: they are most popular Why it matters: The pronoun and verb must agree with the plural subject 'board games'.
Suggested Rewrites
- As is obvious Overall
- Interestingly, Delete
- all these four countries all four countries
- quite popular among children in these countries the most popular activity in all four countries
- as half of with half of
- offsprings children
Why this response received Band 7.5
The response provides an accurate overview and supports it with well-selected figures for all four activities and countries, making the main comparisons easy to follow. The main limitation is occasional awkward or inaccurate wording, such as 'offsprings,' 'follow TV,' and a ratio that 'reside' in Malaysia, together with a few grammatical slips. The priority is to retain the strong data selection while using more natural statistical expressions and tighter comparative sentences.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
A clear overview identifies the dominant and least common activities, and almost all key figures and comparisons are reported accurately.
Strengthen the detail by explicitly including Nigeria's board-game figure and highlighting the closest cross-country contrasts.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is logically sequenced from overview to activity-by-activity detail, with cohesive comparisons despite some repetition.
Group related comparisons more compactly and vary references to children and countries to reduce repetition.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and generally precise, but a few unnatural choices and word-form errors reduce flexibility and accuracy.
Use natural statistical phrases such as watch television, children, accounted for, and the proportion was highest in Malaysia.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of sentence forms is used with good control, while a small number of agreement and noun-phrase errors remain.
Check agreement after expressions such as 'the highest proportion' and use '10% of Nigerian and Sudanese children' for accurate noun phrases.
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