The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.
Sample Response
The yielded diagram demonstrates the number of employment in Freedonia by gender wise, male and female in six different sectors in 1975 and 1995.
Overall, it can be clearly seen that in starting year, in the all sectors male number was higher than the female which changed in 1995.
For manufacturing, In 1975, male and female works number was roughly same in manufacturing unit while after two decades, the male number were more 100000. For communication, the male number was the same as was female in manufacturing and female had 210000 whereas, in 1995, the male number remained the same but the female double in 20 years. For finance or bank, 410000 and 115000 employment number was for male and female respectively in 1975 however, after two decades, the female number rose steadily and had same as the male had in 1975, the male number grew on account of 500000 had.
For the non-defence public sector, employment numbers remained unchanged throughout the period, which was 625000 for females and 82500p for males. For wholesale, in 1975, male workers number was 700000 which remained same later but, female employees number grew 525000 to the zenith point, 80000p. The public sector had 210000 employees, after 20 years, it was 300000, and this change happens owing to female recruitment.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Name the visuals Original: The yielded diagram Suggested revision: The graphs Why it matters: Yielded diagram is not a natural or accurate description of the two graphs.
- 2. Use correct collocation Original: the number of employment Suggested revision: employment figures Why it matters: Employment is uncountable here, so number of employment is incorrect.
- 3. Remove faulty suffix Original: by gender wise Suggested revision: by gender Why it matters: Gender-wise cannot follow by in this structure.
- 4. Match sector label Original: finance or bank Suggested revision: finance and banking Why it matters: The graph labels the sector as finance and banking.
- 5. Correct finance figures Original: 410000 and 115000 employment number was Suggested revision: about 420,000 and 120,000 workers were recorded Why it matters: The 1975 graph places the male and female figures at approximately 420,000 and 120,000.
- 6. Join clauses correctly Original: respectively in 1975 however Suggested revision: respectively in 1975; however Why it matters: A semicolon is needed before however when it joins two independent clauses.
- 7. Avoid unsupported trend Original: rose steadily Suggested revision: rose Why it matters: Only two years are shown, so a steady intermediate trend cannot be established.
- 8. Clarify comparison Original: had same as the male had in 1975 Suggested revision: reached roughly the 1975 male figure Why it matters: The original comparative structure is ungrammatical and obscures the intended reference point.
- 9. Correct male figure Original: the male number grew on account of 500000 had Suggested revision: the male figure grew to about 450,000 Why it matters: The 1995 male finance figure is around 450,000, not 500,000.
- 10. Correct public figures Original: which was 625000 for females and 82500p for males Suggested revision: at about 650,000 for females and 850,000 for males Why it matters: The non-defence public-sector values are approximately 650,000 women and 850,000 men in both years.
- 11. Fix noun phrase Original: male workers number Suggested revision: the number of male workers Why it matters: The possessive-style noun sequence is not grammatical in this context.
- 12. Clarify female change Original: but, female employees number grew 525000 Suggested revision: but the number of female employees grew from about 550,000 Why it matters: The revision fixes the noun phrase, punctuation, and missing preposition before the starting value.
Suggested Rewrites
- The yielded diagram The graphs
- the number of employment employment figures
- by gender wise by gender
- finance or bank finance and banking
- 410000 and 115000 employment number was about 420,000 and 120,000 workers were recorded
- respectively in 1975 however respectively in 1975; however
Why this response received Band 5.0
The response covers all six sectors and includes an overview, while its clearest strength is the attempt to compare both years sector by sector. However, frequent data inaccuracies, unclear references, awkward vocabulary, and persistent grammatical errors make several comparisons difficult to follow. The highest priority is to check each figure against the graphs and express one accurate comparison per sentence using simple, controlled structures.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The response addresses all sectors and attempts an overview, but several comparisons and figures, especially for manufacturing, are inaccurate or unclear.
Verify every plotted value and build the overview around the clearest pattern: substantial female gains in several sectors by 1995.
Coherence and Cohesion
The report has a recognisable introduction, overview, and sector-based progression, but long sentences and vague references weaken cohesion.
Separate each sector comparison into a clear sentence and use pronouns only when their reference is unmistakable.
Lexical Resource
There is some relevant employment and trend vocabulary, but frequent awkward collocations and word-form errors reduce precision.
Use dependable phrases such as "the number of workers rose to" and "remained unchanged" instead of forced expressions.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Both simple and complex forms are attempted, but persistent agreement, article, tense, and clause-structure errors often strain comprehension.
Prioritise accurate subject-verb agreement and complete comparative sentences before attempting longer multi-clause structures.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.
Your response
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