The bar chart below shows the percentage of unemployed graduates, aged 20-24, in one European country over a two-year period. * Data in percentage
Sample Response
The bar chart illustrates the unemployment rate among the male and female graduates who are in the age range of 20 to 24 in Europe in the years 2008 and 2009. In general, it is apparent that male graduates had a higher unemployment rate than female graduates over the time frame.
First and foremost, from January to April 2008, a decreasing trend was detected for both men and women. There was 10% of male graduates who were unemployed in January 2008 and dropped slightly to about 7.5% in April and remained constant until July 2008 compared to about 7.5% and just above 5% in January 2008 and April 2008 respectively for women. There were the same percentages of unemployment for both male and female in April and July 2008. A similar trend can be seen in the percentage of unemployed graduates starting from October 2008 to July 2009. The male graduates’ unemployment rate was just over 15% in October 2008 and decline moderately to approximately 12% in January 2009, and reached just over 10% in July 2009.
Interestingly, unemployed female graduate decreases from October 2008 to April 2009 continually before a dramatic increase in July 2009. A sharp rise in the unemployment rate for both genders can be observed after July 2009 and eventually peaked at around 23% for men and just under 15% for female in October 2009.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Over-specific phrasing Original: the male and female graduates Suggested revision: male and female graduates Why it matters: Use the category names directly; “the male and female graduates” sounds unnecessarily heavy.
- 2. Simplify age phrase Original: who are in the age range of 20 to 24 Suggested revision: aged 20 to 24 Why it matters: A concise age phrase is more natural in Task 1 reporting.
- 3. Country detail Original: in Europe Suggested revision: in one European country Why it matters: The visual refers to one European country, not Europe as a whole.
- 4. Plural reference Original: female graduates Suggested revision: female graduates Why it matters: This is understandable, but the comparison is smoother as “female graduates” after “male graduates”.
- 5. Unnatural verb Original: a decreasing trend was detected Suggested revision: both figures fell Why it matters: “Detected” sounds like scientific discovery; trend reports usually use direct movement verbs.
- 6. Existential structure Original: There was 10% of male graduates Suggested revision: The proportion of unemployed male graduates was 10% Why it matters: Use “the proportion was” rather than “there was 10% of people”.
- 7. Overloaded comparison Original: dropped slightly to about 7.5% in April and remained constant until July 2008 compared to Suggested revision: fell to about 7% in April and July, while Why it matters: This long link makes the male and female figures hard to separate.
- 8. Inaccurate comparison Original: There were the same percentages Suggested revision: The figures were similar, but men remained slightly higher Why it matters: The bars for men and women in April and July 2008 are close, not the same.
- 9. Vague reference Original: A similar trend can be seen Suggested revision: From October 2008 to July 2009, both rates generally declined Why it matters: State the period and movement directly instead of using a vague reference.
- 10. Verb form Original: decline moderately Suggested revision: declined moderately Why it matters: The sentence is in the past, so the verb should be “declined”.
- 11. Agreement and noun form Original: unemployed female graduate decreases Suggested revision: the unemployment rate for female graduates decreased Why it matters: The subject needs a plural/group noun and a past-tense verb.
- 12. Word choice Original: continually Suggested revision: continuously Why it matters: “Continuously” is the more natural adverb for an uninterrupted fall.
Suggested Rewrites
- the male and female graduates male and female graduates
- who are in the age range of 20 to 24 aged 20 to 24
- in Europe in one European country
- female graduates female graduates
- a decreasing trend was detected both figures fell
- There was 10% of male graduates The proportion of unemployed male graduates was 10%
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The response covers the main trend that male unemployment was generally higher and identifies the final peak, but some comparisons are inaccurate, especially the claim that male and female percentages were the same in April and July 2008.
Give a sharper overview: both genders dipped early, rose sharply in October 2008, varied through 2009, and peaked in October 2009, with men consistently above women.
Coherence and Cohesion
The report is organised into an introduction, overview and detail paragraphs, though some long sentences carry several dates and comparisons at once.
Group the details by time period and use shorter comparison sentences so the reader can follow each change clearly.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate for trends, but there are awkward choices such as “detected” and repeated “percentage of unemployed graduates”.
Use natural Task 1 verbs such as fell, remained stable, rose, peaked, and avoid overly technical verbs where a simple trend verb is clearer.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Meaning is generally clear, but there are repeated subject-verb and noun-form errors that reduce control.
Check agreement after singular nouns and keep verb tense consistent when describing past data.