The two pie charts below show some employment patterns in Great Britain in 1992.
Sample Response
The charts provide information on the proportion of males and females in employment in 6 broad categories, divided into manual and non-manual occupations. In general, a greater percentage of women work in non-manual occupations than work in manual occupations, and the reverse is true for men.
In the non-manual occupations, while a greater percentage of working women than men are found in clerical-type positions, there is a smaller percentage of women than men employed in managerial and professional positions. The percentage of women employed in other non-manual occupations is slightly larger than the percentage of men in these occupations.
In manual employment, the biggest difference between the two sexes is in the employment of craft workers, where males make up 24% of the workforce and females just 3%. Furthermore, the percentage of women working as general working as general labourers is very small, only 1%. There is not a great deal of difference between the percentage of men doing other forms of manual work (26%) and women in other manual work (27%).
In summary, the two charts clearly show that women do not have the same access as men to certain types of employment.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Describe distribution precisely Original: the proportion of males and females in employment in 6 broad categories Suggested revision: the distribution of employed men and women across six broad categories Why it matters: Each pie chart shows how one sex's employment is distributed across occupations.
- 2. Reduce repetition Original: the percentage of men in these occupations Suggested revision: the corresponding figure for men Why it matters: This concise reference avoids repeating 'percentage' and 'occupations'.
- 3. Remove duplicated words Original: working as general working as general labourers Suggested revision: working as general labourers Why it matters: The phrase 'working as general' is accidentally repeated.
- 4. Use concise comparison Original: There is not a great deal of difference Suggested revision: There is little difference Why it matters: The shorter phrase expresses the same comparison more directly.
- 5. Improve parallel structure Original: men doing other forms of manual work (26%) and women in other manual work (27%) Suggested revision: men and women doing other manual work (26% and 27%, respectively) Why it matters: Parallel wording makes it clear which percentage belongs to each group.
- 6. Sentence rewrite Original: In the non-manual occupations, while a greater percentage of working women than men are found in clerical-type positions, there is a smaller percentage of women than men employed in managerial and professional positions. Suggested revision: A greater percentage of women than men worked in clerical or related roles, whereas managerial and professional positions accounted for a smaller percentage of women than men. Why it matters: The rewrite removes the faulty 'while' structure and clarifies both comparisons.
- 7. Sentence rewrite Original: In manual employment, the biggest difference between the two sexes is in the employment of craft workers, where males make up 24% of the workforce and females just 3%. Suggested revision: The largest difference in manual employment was in craft work, which accounted for 24% of employed men but only 3% of employed women. Why it matters: The figures describe each sex's occupational distribution, not the gender composition of a craft workforce.
- 8. Sentence rewrite Original: In summary, the two charts clearly show that women do not have the same access as men to certain types of employment. Suggested revision: In summary, the charts show clear differences in the occupational distribution of employed women and men. Why it matters: The charts report employment patterns but do not establish unequal access to occupations.
- 9. Support key comparisons Suggested revision: Add representative figures for the clerical comparison and the managerial and professional comparison. Why it matters: Exact values would substantiate the paragraph's two main non-manual comparisons.
Suggested Rewrites
- the proportion of males and females in employment in 6 broad categories the distribution of employed men and women across six broad categories
- the percentage of men in these occupations the corresponding figure for men
- working as general working as general labourers working as general labourers
- There is not a great deal of difference There is little difference
- men doing other forms of manual work (26%) and women in other manual work (27%) men and women doing other manual work (26% and 27%, respectively)
- In the non-manual occupations, while a greater percentage of working women than men are found in clerical-type positions, there is a smaller percentage of women than men employed in managerial and professional positions. A greater percentage of women than men worked in clerical or related roles, whereas managerial and professional positions accounted for a smaller percentage of women than men.
Why this response received Band 7.5
The response is strongest in its clear organization and accurate comparison of the main male and female employment patterns, supported by well-chosen figures. Its main limitation is that several non-manual categories are discussed without data, while the final claim about access goes beyond what the charts establish. Prioritise fuller numerical support for key comparisons and keep conclusions strictly descriptive of the visual evidence.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The main patterns and several key contrasts are accurately identified, but numerical support is uneven and the final interpretation is not directly shown by the charts.
Include selected figures for the non-manual categories and replace the access claim with a factual summary of the distributions.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information is sequenced logically through a clear overview and well-focused paragraphs on non-manual and manual work.
Integrate the final summary with the overview or use it to reinforce a distinct evidence-based comparison.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and generally precise for comparing employment categories, although one duplicated phrase disrupts an otherwise fluent account.
Proofread for accidental repetition and prefer strictly neutral wording when interpreting statistical data.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex comparative structures is used accurately, with errors rare and communication consistently clear.
Maintain this control while trimming repetitive comparative phrasing for greater concision.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The two pie charts below show some employment patterns in Great Britain in 1992.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.