The graphs below compare the number of cosmetic procedures performed on males and females in Korea in 2004.
Sample Response
A glance at the two figures provided reveals the popularity of various forms of cosmetic surgery among Korean men and women in 2004. Not surprisingly, plastic surgery enjoyed widespread popularity among women. By far the most common forms of cosmetic procedure for this group, eyelid surgery and Rhinoplasty were performed a staggering 320,000 and 275,000 times respectively. Third in terms of popularity, meanwhile, was laser skin resurfacing. An approximate 215,000 of these procedures were conducted on women during the year in question. Breast enlargement and liposuction were considerably less common, at 145,000 and 120,000 operations respectively. Equally predictable is the fact that plastic surgery was far less popular among men. In contrast to women, hair transplantation was the most common cosmetic procedure. There were just 60,000 of these operations among Korean males. Numbering some 55,000 procedures, laser skin resurfacing was second for this group. Third was Rhinoplasty, at approximately 40,000 operations. Finally, a relatively small 19,000 Abdominoplasty and 14,000 facelift procedures were carried out on men during 2004. Also noteworthy is the fact that hair transplantation, Abdominoplasty and facelift patients were exclusively male, while 100 percent of liposuction, breast enlargement and eyelid surgery patients were female.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use adverb form Original: An approximate Suggested revision: Approximately Why it matters: An adverb is needed to modify the number 215,000.
- 2. Use direct opening Original: A glance at the two figures provided reveals Suggested revision: The two figures show Why it matters: The direct reporting verb is clearer and more concise for a visual description.
- 3. Match chart terminology Original: forms of cosmetic surgery Suggested revision: cosmetic procedures Why it matters: Cosmetic procedures matches the wording and scope of the two charts more precisely.
- 4. Remove subjective comment Original: Not surprisingly, Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: The chart description should report the visual evidence without presenting the pattern as expected.
- 5. Use precise category Original: plastic surgery Suggested revision: cosmetic procedures Why it matters: The charts cover cosmetic procedures, so this term describes the displayed category more accurately.
- 6. State comparison directly Original: widespread popularity Suggested revision: greater popularity Why it matters: Greater expresses the cross-chart comparison more objectively than widespread.
- 7. Simplify ranking phrase Original: Third in terms of popularity, meanwhile, was Suggested revision: The third most common procedure was Why it matters: The replacement states the ranking directly and avoids an unnecessary transition.
- 8. Use natural collocation Original: were conducted on women Suggested revision: were performed on women Why it matters: Medical procedures are normally described as being performed on patients.
- 9. Consolidate the overview Suggested revision: Place the broad comparison of higher female counts and the different leading procedures in one distinct overview before the detailed figures. Why it matters: The main trends are currently dispersed across the response rather than presented together as a clear overview.
- 10. Add direct comparisons Suggested revision: Include one or two explicit cross-chart comparisons between the leading female and male figures instead of reporting nearly all values in separate lists. Why it matters: Direct comparisons would respond more fully to the instruction to compare the two graphs.
Suggested Rewrites
- An approximate Approximately
- A glance at the two figures provided reveals The two figures show
- forms of cosmetic surgery cosmetic procedures
- Not surprisingly, Delete
- plastic surgery cosmetic procedures
- widespread popularity greater popularity
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response accurately selects the principal features, supports them with relevant figures, and makes the central contrast between female and male procedure volumes clear. Its vocabulary and sentence structures are varied and generally precise, but presenting the entire report as one paragraph weakens the visual organisation, while a few subjective or awkward expressions should be replaced with neutral, more natural reporting language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The report provides a clear overview, covers all displayed procedures, and reports the main rankings and approximate figures accurately.
Avoid unsupported implications such as absolute patient exclusivity and use fully neutral language when describing the contrasts.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information progresses logically from the female chart to the male chart and cohesive expressions guide the comparisons clearly, but the response is presented as one block.
Separate the overview and the two logically grouped sets of details into purposeful paragraphs.
Lexical Resource
A wide and precise range of vocabulary describes rankings, quantities, and contrasts effectively, with only occasional awkward wording or unnecessary capitalisation.
Replace phrases such as “an approximate 215,000” with natural forms such as “approximately 215,000” and keep procedure names consistently lowercase.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied complex structures with strong control, and the few awkward constructions do not impede communication.
Refine compressed quantity structures, especially the sentence combining the abdominoplasty and facelift totals, to make their grammatical relationships fully clear.