The line graph below gives information about the number of visitors to three London museums between June and September 2013.
Sample Response
The given line graph compares the London museum visitors from June 2013 to September 2013. As is presented in the given data, British Museum was the most popular museum in terms of visits and there were some fluctuations in the number of visitors for the given four months. As is observed from the line graph, British Museum was the most visited museum in London in 2013 and in June 2013, around 600 thousand people visited this museum. In the same period, there were around 550 thousand visitors in the Natural History Museum whereas 400 thousand visitors visited the Science Museum at that time. In the next month, the visitors of British museum increased to 750 thousand, reaching at the highest point, while the visitors of other two museums decreased. With some fluctuations in the next two months' visitors, the visitor numbers of British Museum reached to over 650 thousand in September 2013 whereas the number of other two museums also started increasing than the previous month and was around 450 thousand. In conclusion, the British Museum had the highest visitors for the given period and the visitors’ number for all the three museums fluctuated throughout the given four months of the year 2013.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Noun phrase Original: the London museum visitors Suggested revision: visitor numbers at three London museums Why it matters: This is a clearer and more accurate noun phrase.
- 2. Article needed Original: British Museum was the most popular museum Suggested revision: the British Museum was the most popular museum Why it matters: Museum names normally take 'the' in this context.
- 3. Avoid repetition Original: As is observed from the line graph Suggested revision: More specifically, Why it matters: This avoids repeating the previous linking phrase.
- 4. Capitalization Original: British Museum Suggested revision: British Museum Why it matters: Capitalize both words in the museum name.
- 5. Verb pattern Original: reaching at the highest point Suggested revision: reaching its highest point Why it matters: 'Reach' does not take 'at' before the object.
- 6. Article needed Original: other two museums Suggested revision: the other two museums Why it matters: Use 'the' before a specific pair already mentioned.
- 7. No to after reach Original: reached to over 650 thousand Suggested revision: reached over 650 thousand Why it matters: 'Reach' does not take 'to' before the figure.
- 8. Comparison form Original: also started increasing than the previous month Suggested revision: also started increasing compared with the previous month Why it matters: Use 'compared with' for this comparison.
- 9. Natural phrase Original: visitors’ number Suggested revision: visitor numbers Why it matters: This is the standard phrase for chart reporting.
- 10. Concise time phrase Original: the given four months of the year 2013 Suggested revision: the four-month period Why it matters: This is shorter and less repetitive.
- 11. Fix introduction Original: The given line graph compares the London museum visitors from June 2013 to September 2013. Suggested revision: The line graph compares monthly visitor numbers at three London museums from June to September 2013. Why it matters: This states the measure, place, and period more accurately.
- 12. Improve July comparison Original: In the next month, the visitors of British museum increased to 750 thousand, reaching at the highest point, while the visitors of other two museums decreased. Suggested revision: In July, the British Museum peaked at about 750 thousand visitors, while attendance at the Science Museum and the Natural History Museum fell. Why it matters: This is more precise and fixes article/capitalization errors.
Suggested Rewrites
- the London museum visitors visitor numbers at three London museums
- British Museum was the most popular museum the British Museum was the most popular museum
- As is observed from the line graph More specifically,
- British Museum British Museum
- reaching at the highest point reaching its highest point
- other two museums the other two museums
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The response identifies the British Museum as the most visited and describes the general fluctuation across the four months. Most figures are reasonable, but it could compare the Science Museum and Natural History Museum more precisely at the end of the period.
Add that both smaller museums fell until August and then rose in September, with the Natural History Museum slightly ahead of the Science Museum.
Coherence and Cohesion
The answer has a clear overall direction but is written in one long paragraph. Several phrases repeat 'as is observed' and 'given', which makes the flow less polished.
Use three paragraphs: introduction and overview, June-July, and August-September.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate but repetitive, especially 'visitors' and 'museum'. Some phrases are unnatural, such as 'the London museum visitors' and 'visitors' number'.
Use 'attendance', 'visitor numbers', 'figures', 'rose', 'fell', 'rebounded', and 'peaked'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Meaning is clear, but there are article, capitalization, and comparative-structure errors. Some long sentences need cleaner punctuation.
Use shorter sentences with one main comparison per sentence.